an evening with Gracie

Okay, I have just spent the evening with my daughter Gracie. It didn't start off so well because I got a phone call from the hospital and mom wanted me to bring Gracie by for a visit. So, after I got home from work and scarfed down some dinner we got ready to take off to the hospital. She was concerned about Grandma being bored so she decided to take some toys along. She packed up a doctors kit, plastic stethoscope, syringe, medicine etc, and a terribly ugly doll she picked out from Mexico. We load up the stuff and we must be off.

PSA here, remove all liquids and food from the general vicinity of your computer.

We are only driving for a few blocks before Gracie asks me to turn off the her songs because she would rather talk than sing or listen to the radio. This immediately tells me that this will be an interesting trip. The jabbering ensues about a little bit of everything, but in the constant mix comes this statement.

" Daddy, Sarah feeds her baby with her nipple"

Okay, I can handle this, its abstract and out of the blue, but Gracie saw this for the first time 2 weeks ago while visiting a brand new mom friend of ours and although its been 2 weeks it is still something new to her, but.

"Yes she does hunny"

"Daddy, I am going to feed my baby with my nipple"

"Uh, please don't do that"

(I am flipin out right now, I don't want to be the one to deal with this issue, I know breastfeeding is normal, nonsexual and acceptable, but I am the dad and I don't know how to deal with it, I don't want to make it seem wrong but I don't want to encourage or allow her to walk around doing it with her doll either, and I know what is coming now)

"But why daddy, Sara does it, I want to do it too"

(yep, there it was, the 'why' question, now what do I do. I think I will fall back on the old parental standby of diversion when unwilling or unable to deal with the situation, luckily we pass a person walking a dog right then)

"Look Gracie, its a puppy, isn't it a cute puppy, looks like they are having fun walking on this beautiful day"

(whew, diversion worked, we are now talking about puppies.)

I know it shouldn't bother me, but I am the dad. I refuse to acknowledge that my daughter might one day have breasts let alone nipples attached to them. I don't want to discuss nipples or breasts with my daughter in terms of anything other than the best way to keep them covered up when she is older. Then there is the added trauma of the fact that she wants to imitate it with this ugly doll. This doll is from Mexico and thus Mexican, dressed in traditional Mexican poncho with a big sombrero and bright red lips. She kinda looks like Dora might look during a porcupine enema, its terrible. This is more than any dad should need to deal with on a short drive, but we are just getting started with the random chatter.

After the puppy conversations wanes, 30 seconds or so later, she starts talking about missing people. She tells me she misses her other Grandma and Grandpa and asks if mommy misses her Grandma too. She chatters about this for a while, but a usual she is headed somewhere with it.

"Are they with Jesus?"

"Yes sweety, they are with Jesus"

"Are they sleeping?"

"Yes, they are sleeping"

"Is He gonna wake them up?"

(Okay, its real obvious now that she is headed someplace with this. I am guessing its from a combination of me, mom, and Sunday school)

"Yes sweety, one day he will wake them up"

"Is He going to use instruments, does He have any"

(thinking, thinking, thinking, Revelation)

"Yes sweety, there will be trumpets"

"Will it be loud enough to wake me up too?"

"Yes, it will wake you up to"

"Ooooooooooh, Goodie, I like loud noises, will it be really loud, does he have a piano or guitar too?"

"no, just trumpets"

"Good, when I die, will you and mommy die with me so we are all together?"

(time for diversion again)

"Look, a ground hog, over in the woods"

"where daddy, I don't see it"

(Forgive me father for I have sinned and lied to my daughter, again)

We proceed to the hospital to a chorus of are we there yet, are we there yet. We go up to the room and a grand time is had by all. Gracie plays doctor and nurse with Grandma and Grandpa for a while until Grandma is tired and its time to leave. We all do hugs kisses high fives and group hugs and we are off back home. We enter the elevator to find about 6 people already there and Gracie looks at all of them and announces:

"Its crowded in here, why are they all in here?"

They all laugh and smile at the really really cute little girl, but she is not done yet.

"Its not nice to laugh at people, everybody knows that, what number are they getting"

(translate that to what floor are they getting off)

When the doors open on the ground floor one of them tells her they are getting off on this floor too. Another ones tells her that they are getting off to follow her.

"Daddy, run, they are following us, we have to run"

So of course, daddy being up for a good time starts running with her while holding her hand until we turn the corner.

"Daddy, lets hide"

So we pull up behind a pillar and she hides behind me and the pillar. One of the folks peeks around the pillar and says "boo"

Gracie screams.

"Its not nice to scare people. Everybody knows its not nice to scare little girls. You shouldn't do that to somebody"

She then looks at me and says:

"now, lets follow them and scare them back"

Daddy isn't willing to go quite that far so we just go get in the car and begin the ride home. The ride home is not without its adventures as well.

"Daddy, why does Jesus only have one instrument?"

"He only needs one hun"

"Well, I have more than Him and I am a girl so I am cooler than Jesus"

"No sweety, Jesus is the coolest, nobody is cooler than Jesus"

"I am so, and that was very rude of you to say so. Everybody is cooler than you, Bitty is cooler than you (our dog) Jesus is cooler than you, Kara is cooler than you, Cassie is cooler than you, and me and mommy are cooler than yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu because were cool like that"

"Look Gracie, a ground hog"

"Ground hogs live in the woods right daddy, and they have holes and some have clothes and televisions and talk and and and are beavers the same as groundhogs, do they have cars?"

Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Correction

It has been brought to my attention that I have made a grievous and serious error in my previous post. I erroneously called Superboy and Supergirl the potential sidekicks of Superman. I have been informed that, for all that is good and right I must immediately make amends and correct this error. Superman did have a sidekick, but it was a dog, not a boy or a girl.

Further more, it has been pointed out that Superboy was actually a young Superman and not a sidekick. I stand corrected and apologize profusely for these tragic mistakes.

The resemblance is obvious once I look at it. I don't know how I could make such a mistake. I am left with a dilemma of logic however. I made the obviously flawed assumption that Superboy was a child of Superman. This not being the case, I must make another assumption, Superman had no children. That being the case, from whence did Supergirl come? This is an interesting question that requires a certain level of investigation. Being a superhero myself, I called the League and asked the Wondertwins to look into the matter for me. The results are a bit disturbing. First, lets take a look at Supergirl.

Quite the tart once you get right down too it. Aquaman, Ironman, and the Thing have all claimed to have had illicit affairs with her. The Hulk is still upset because she rejected him. He is quoted as saying," She must have a problem with green" But, upon deeper investigation, something even more disturbing has been brought to light.



That is correct. There is no Supergirl, its really just Superboy in drag. I was in shock when I found this out. I don't know what to think. I mean, we all have had our suspicions about Batman and the boy wonder, but who saw this one coming? What does this say about Ironman, Aquaman, and the Thing? I am just speechless.

Super Hero

What is required to be a super here? What does a super hero face during a day? What kind of skills separate a super hero from the rest?

I have a few answers, answers that will reveal why I am Super Plumber Ninja Dad.

First, super hero's have no fear.

Super hero's must be fearless because you just never know what the people (or Gracie person in my case) might get themselves into and need rescued from. For example, Gracie is terrified of the bird at Red Robin. If you don't know, the bird is a 7 foot mascot that looks like a bird. If Grace sees the bird, everyone in the restaurant knows she has seen the bird, make that everyone in the tristate area, and oz, and never never land know she has seen the bird. The skull splitting shriek that is immediately followed by her trying to climb inside my skin via my ear. Super hero's must be able to stand up to the mighty Red Robin and drive them away. Super Plumber Ninja Dad has been called into action against the bird and he must drive the bird out of the restaurant, all the way out the front door where they great people outside instead of walking around inside. When leaving he must carry the helpless screaming victim past the bird without allowing any harm to come to them. Superhero's are required to beat up the Easter bunny (even if the pastor is the one inside) and any supervillian that may be encountered. Supervillians include, the Red Robin, the Easter bunny, Santa Clause, Ancient Mayans that might be hanging around hotel lobby's, Evil clowns and or magicians, Demonic Firemen in full fire gear, and Demented Dentists in long white coats. Superheros must not be afraid to stand up to any of these supervillians to protect a young helpless screaming victim.

Superheros must have special powers.

We may be called upon to turn night into day or day into night just because it seems more appropriate. We may be called upon to make the 500 mile trip only last one minute because the actual travel time is too "booooring". We may be called upon to wash the favorite blanket (Bee) at 5 minutes till bedtime, and still have it dry in time for bed because it got wet and dirty. Superheros may call on their inhuman speed, laser vision, hulk like strength, and time/space transportation mutation abilities to accomplish these tasks.

Superheros must have cat like reflexes.

We may be called upon to snatch a toy from mid air before it hits the ground and breaks or gets dirty releasing the pouting gargoyle of despair. We may be called upon to catch a meatball in mid flight between chin and new yellow gingham dress to stay the appearance of the mamma monster. We may be called to run from back yard to front yard in a millisecond to keep a tricycle from running out into the street thus preventing the sad Chinese teary face. (its amazing how much speed these things pick up going down hill in a driveway) We may be called to traverse 3 or more flights of stairs to prevent an entire roll of toilet paper from being flushed and thus unleashing a massive flood and global behind warming. We may be called to reach out and cover a mouth before the word "ass" pops out for a third time in front of a pastor thus keeping the embarrassment bats to a minimum.

Superheros must have help.

Every good superhero has a side kick. Batman has the Boy Wonder, Superman had Superboy, or Supergirl, the Wondertwins had each other etc. Super Plumber Ninja Dad has the all important service and assistance of Super Scheduler Samurai Mom. Her unique powers of memory and balance provide anything that may be lacking of her Super Spouse. She plans the days and remembers all the things that need to be done. She is in charge of task completion and Super Gracie Tornado discipline. As strong and as fast as a Ninja might be, Tornado discipline is a task best left to a Samurai warrior mom.

Bottom line is this. If you are a parent, you are required to be a superhero. Go out and be a hero to your kids. Use your super powers for good and not evil. Never let your kids know the secret of the third eye in the back of your head, and always keep your mild mannered personallity on unless you need to slip into your cape and tights and become................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ (insert music here)

Super Plumber Ninja Dad

Tired.

You know what drives me absolutely nuts? You know what makes me want to drill a hole in a urinal puck, run a chain through it and call it my Mr. T starter set? Stereotyping and racism. I knew it was out there before and I am even more aware of it now, but I would like to think that I rarely if ever participate in it. Now, before I blow a vein on a little tirade, let me make a few things clear, I don't see color, period. I don't care about the color of skin in relation to who a person is. I don't care if people are black, white, Oriental, Indian, etc. I make no assumptions about you based on your apparent race. I think the most beautiful women in the world are women of color, but that's a different blog on different day, other than things like this, color is irrelevant to me. Now, having said that, what brings racism to my blog today, or more precisely, brings stereotyping to the front of my mildly irked list. I just had a guy leave here a bit ago, a black man, who just found out I have a Chinese daughter. When most people find this out the first thing they say is, OH, my friend, coworker, neighbor, second cousin did that. That is normal, and acceptable, but the next line, "she's Chinese, bet she's smart" Well, as a matter of fact she is smart, a little too smart some days, I bet you like fried chicken and watermelon too, maybe a little too much judging from you girth, can you dance? I'm a white guy, I have no rhythm, cant jump either. Where does this drivel come from? Why do people think Chinese kids are smarter than most? He even told me to get her in private school so she would have teachers who could keep up with her math and spelling abilities. Yes I know, I have seen the little Oriental kids winning the spelling bee's etc. I have also seen Vanilla Ice dance and know he cant, but what does our race have to do with these things in reality? NOTHING. Am I a bit oversensitive? Yes, most likely. But this whole thing with Obama's pastor and bashing "whitey" has me irritated already. It drives me nuts to hear, "I am black, I have to vote for Obama" or "I am white, I cant vote for Obama" I have heard both of these things and it makes my head swim. I am descended from Greek, Native American Indian, and British Isles. Does this mean I must vote somebody with the same heritage as me? If so I need to quick call grandpa and tell him he's in the race.

I think its time to unleash Super Plumber Ninja Dad on somebody. I will have to introduce Gracie to this guy and let her explain to him that "thats not very nice to do to somebody" She does this in such a way (lip stuck out, eyes curled up) that even Super Plumber Ninja Dad has no defense.

Thanks for the picture Dale (Digger---------------> )

Latest reports.......

Okay peeps, here is the latest update on the Gracie freight train. A brief reminder to the uninformed, Gracie is my 4 year old Chinese princess. Last night Gracie is upstairs playing and I have crash landed on the couch. After a long and frustrating day at work I came home and cooked supper, ate and now its time to rest, for a minute anyways. As I sit and breath, hoping to not be required to endure much more activity than this, I hear a call from upstairs.

"Daaaa-------------ddddddddyyyyyyyy"

(Sigh) "Yes sweety?"

"I dropped the toilet paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, In the toilet"

(Insert melodramatic music here)

My brain races, I know what I must do, Super Plumber Ninja Dad has been called into action. I must LEAP into the phone booth (dont we all have phone booths in our living room? Well, you cant find one anyplace else these days so I guess, yes, we do all have them in our living rooms) I must spin in a quick circle and change into my tights and cape. (anybody have any suggestions about these tights, man they are tough to put on and they chaff up a storm, OWEE) I must leap up the stairs in a single bound(or twelve or fourteen) and cast myself in front of the evil toilet demon before she flushes and unleashes a monster flood. A flood with gnashing teeth and irritated insurance claims adjusters flailing like snakes from her head. (Medusa reference for the slow on the uptake crowd) A flood unlike any other since Noah was single. Yes, its time for Super Plumber Ninja Dad and his cat like quickness to come and save the day. (okay, how many of you are having Underdog flashbacks right now?) Just as my Ninja skills kick in, an unfortunate reality sets in. In spite of my super duper dad powers, I still am not that fast. The couch monster and the gravity demon are still holding me motionless in my seat. I realize I will not make it in time, so I resort to the only power I have left to use. My voice. I speak loudly and in that low important dad voice.

"Gracie, dont flush"

"Why not Daddy?"

Oh no, my voice may not be powerful enough to overcome the temptation monster. I must try again. I struggle to speak louder and deeper in that because I said so dad voice. The voice that means, I am king and ye shall obey me.

"Gracie, dont flush, you'll clog up the toilet, again"

"Oh, its okay daddy, I pulled it out with my hands, but now its all wet"

EEEKKK, I have been foiled. Its too late. Super Plumber Ninja Dad should now spring into action, fly upstairs with cape trailing behind and capture and disinfect the afflicted little one. I must save her, I must.

Nah, I'm tired and the couch still has my butt.

"Gracie, drop it in the bathtub and wash your hands,..........twice"

"Okay daddy"

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaa.........ddddddddddddddy, will you come play with me"

"on my way sweety,tea party tonight?"

"Ye-ah"

And such is the life of Super Plumber Ninja Dad.

all about me.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 43% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 60% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||| 76% Interdependence |||||||||||| 43% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||| 16% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 70% Materialism |||||||||||||| 56% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63% Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56% Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 70% Self absorbed |||| 16% Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 50% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 76% Anti-authority || 10% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||| 16% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||||| 56% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Peter pan complex |||||| 23% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||| 24% Histrionic |||||| 30% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Vanity || 10% Hypersensitivity |||||| 23% Indie |||||||||| 33%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

I took this quiz today and these are the results. Interesting! I may have some issues.

sniff.. sniff...

It is with great sadness that today I remove the link to “vote for Mike Huckabee”. Today I weep and dress in sackcloth with ashes. Today I mourn the loss of a great candidate and great man. Mike’s entire platform pulled at my inner being with is promise to write a “right to life amendment” his ideas about restructuring the tax code to go to the “fairtax”. His beliefs in family values as well as his love of God and country all seemed real to me. When I look at the three remaining options we have to choose from for our next leader, the leader of the free world, the leader of the greatest nation on earth, I am not filled with confidence and glee. I am filled with fear and despair. The democrats are promising great change and new directions. Wonderful, we need both, but I don’t see how we can afford the proposed change and I don’t like the new direction. An acceleration vector towards a brick wall is a new direction, a downward spiral into a sulfur fire is a new direction, but not one I am interested in. Universal health care and free college tuition are both wonderful things, but who does the money come from and who ends up in control of things? Obama says he can bring change, yeah, so can I but you don’t want me running your local water buffalo lodge, let alone share with me the nuclear secrets of the largest military force in the world. I can change things a lot, but, do you want to share with me the truth about space aliens and the way we reverse engineered our stealth program from a crashed Gazoo space ship? Enough of this, I am grumpy because I am in mourning for Mike. I am sitting in the dust in despair and thrashing my own back until it opens in welts. Two recent media comments concerning Mike struck me with great interest. First, on the day Mike stepped down, (a dark day with storm clouds, a day that reminded me of the old testament when God said, okay you really really want a king, here ya’ go) he made a speech as he stepped aside. The moment he was finished he turned to step away from the podium and Brit Hume (the driest man in journalism) says, “there goes Mike Huckabee, he did what he said he would do” Wow, think about that, when was the last time that could honestly be said of anyone in politics. Mike did what he said he would do, he was honest and sincere in his goals and principles, but most importantly, you knew where he stood, no fence riding. He told us about his values and we said no thanks Mike. I pause here to wipe a tear. Next, he was interviewed on fox last night and was asked how he would handle Hillary if he had gotten the nomination. He said that she keeps telling us all about her 35 years experience, but she was near the job, not in the job. It would be like me saying I understood what childbirth was like because I was in the delivery room when it happened, the mother would slap me sideways if I said that. I love this guys perspective on things. I hope he sticks around and runs again because this was just a bad year to try it. Look at the field that was out there, the democratic side ran a multicultural circus. It was billed as the women, the black man, the Hispanic man and the rich white guy primary. I love the fact that they can field that diversity, but Richardson was the only one who doesn’t make me loose sleep at night. Then you have the republican side show with: A cult member in holy underwear with the believability of a snake oil salesman, vs, I am not really a lawyer but I played one on TV and slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night (Fred), VS, Fredo from the Godfather, (Ron Paul), vs, I ran New York and saved it, so I can run the world (Rudy) vs. John, I have been in service my whole life and now its my turn, McCain, vs, several other rich white guys nobody knows, and then you have Mike, he did what he said he would do. Try again Mike, the next round cant be as whacked as this one was. Maybe McCain will give you a cabinet post or something, I think he owes you that much, good luck Mike and don’t give up yet……



(just as an addendum to anybody who hasn't read this blog before, dont be offended or take things too seriously as I stir sarcasm and reality together to created a cassorole of life and humor)

Blizzard of '08

Well folks, we survived the blizzard of '08. It snowed buckets and broomsticks. The official report for the nearest large town was 13 inches. We actually got someplace between 15" and 18" of snow in about 36 hours. Quite the blizzard for these parts. We will be digging out for a few days to come. The road crews are still on highway and state rt. level for there clean up. They haven't yet started on secondary streets so it might be Monday before they ever plow the subdivisions and back roads. I was able to get out for a few blocks to run to UDF and buy Skoal and diet coke, the important thing. Actually, truth be known, I just wanted to go play in it on the roads for a short trip. The snow on the roads had not been plowed at all but a neighbor with a kick but monster truck left some king size ruts for the rest of us to follow in and get out. It was a lot of fun, if only for a few minutes. The neighbor kids did my driveway for me, twice, and kids and adults have been playing in the front yards and streets so the view out the front window is just kinda messy. The view out the back window is beautiful and pristine with undisturbed blankets of snow covering everything. I mention the front being messy for a reason. I need to relate to you what my daughter Gracie (she is 4 remember) had to say to me a little while ago.

Gracie has just finished cleaning her play room. Cleaning is not one of her favorite activities to participate in. It ranks just above being constipated for her. She whined a bit, cried a bit but after a long while, she was done. She then came down and wanted to help daddy with his project. I was reorganizing the coat closet in the living room. She helps me by dragging everything out of the bottom of the closet and piling it in the middle of the floor. She then looks at the mess and says, "look daddy, you have a big ol' mess, you made it and now you better clean it up." I assured her that my every intention was to clean up my mess. She then waltzes over to the window and says, "daddy, who put all that snow out there?

I answer, " no body put it out there sweety, snow falls from the sky, its just another one of God's beautiful creations"

she then replies," Well, its a mess out there, if Jesus made that mess, is He gonna clean it up"

Okay, it took me a minute to recover before I could answer that one. But once I regained my composure I did answer.

"Yes sweety, he will send the sun and some warm weather to clean it all up for us"

she just said, "oh" and moved on.

Oh to have the understandings and viewpoints of a child. It is priceless. For they are truly the greatest in heaven.

Snow

So today it snows, not a huge thing in Ohio I wouldn't think, but this is the Cincinnati area we are talking about. Now, to give the people their due, we are projected to get 12-15 inches of snow in a 48 hour period. Again, this is not a big deal for most places, but at 15 inches we would surpass the yearly snowfall of most of the last 10 years. This is cause for a little bit of concern, maybe an extra mention of it on the nightly news. Maybe even cause for a ticker to run across the bottom of the network channels to keep us informed of things that might be closing early or meetings that might be cancelled. But, in case I forgot to mention it, this is the Cincinnati area. What that means, for those not familiar with the area, is that no person, reporter, or any living creature has ever seen snow before. Nobody can drive in it, nobody know just what think about it, nobody knows what to do now. The collective conscious of the entire region goes into a panic. The mantra becomes, "the white death is upon us" It doesn't matter if it snowed last week, nobody has ever seen the stuff before. So, please indulge me whilst I make fun of were I live.

"Did you here the latest news report about the weather forecast. NORAD (actually its NOAH) is calling for up to a foot of snow by dawn. We gotta go to the store and buy bread and milk before its all gone, we could be hold up in here for days, weeks even. Did you remember to restock the crackers and canned beets in the basement? The ones we used for thanksgiving. Never mind, I will get some extra at the store if its not all gone yet. The shelves might be gittin' kinda bare by the time I get there, I better hurry. Do we have batteries for the flashlight and the transistor radio down there? You get the kids down stairs and take some extra blankets and water, I will get off to the store. If I don't make it back, remember, I love you, and the little one, but don't re-marry or I will haunt you forever. Oh, yeah, take the dog and some food for him too. If it comes right down to it, we could eat him if we had to. Well, off to the store I go."

One hour later.

"Honey, I made it. The shelves were bare but I got most of what we needed. Have you seen the can opener? I couldn't believe how many people were there, I was in line 10 deep. It was a made house. I had to whack some old lady with my cart to get to the beef jerky. I told her I would share but she wanted to buy it all. I wish people wouldn't wait to the last minute to prepare for these disasters, it makes it hard on the rest of us."

Weather warning buzzer goes off on television.

"This is a severe winter storm advisory. Expect high winds, drifting snow, low temperatures, and accumulation up to 18" by morning. You are asked to not leave your home unless absolutely necessary. If you must leave, remember to dress warmly, and in layers, like and onion, or a parfait, everybody loves parfait. Put women, children, and animals in a warm and safe place, preferably the basement just in case your roof falls in from the weight of the snow."

3 minutes later

"Now its time for the traffic report, how is it out there Balinda? (Balinda is a weather bunny standing outside in a arctic parka, a scarf, and a toboggan, sweating alot because its really only 27 degrees and she is dress for -10. But hey, she is on the scene) Its terrible out here, people are mad I tell you, absolutely mad. Look at the highway, traffic is snarled all over. People cant see what lane they are in, they are not signalling their intentions, and worse yet, they are sliding into things all over the place. Its madness I tell. By the time this is over we may have thousands of stranded motorists and hundreds of abandoned vehicles. Its only going to get worse, stay home people, its utter carnage out here"

3 minutes later

"Now its time for a weather update. More snow, this could be worse than the blizzard of 78. The Governor has been asked to declare a state of emergency. When asked the governor replied, "what?" (He's not from around here) The white death is upon us people, take shelter. The white fluffy spawn of Satan is coming to destroy us all. Film at 11, and 11:03 and 11:06 and 11:09 until the power goes off and we all freeze to death and are forced to eat each other for our own survival"

5 minutes later

"Did you hear that honey, its worse than I thought. I might need to venture back out and buy more beer and pringles. We might be stuck in here till spring. I wonder if its too late to rent some movies while I am out. Most of the good stuff is gone I am sure but I bet I can get some copies of Gilligan's Island. Might as well get some educational stuff, we might need the ol' professors wisdom if we are gonna be stuck for a while. Might look for some old McGuyver stuff too. If we get thru this I promise I am going to build us that bomb shelter come spring"

Okay enough of this silliness, who wants to sing with me?

"OH, the weather outside is frightful, yada yada yada, so delightful. the thing the thing the thing,

Let it snow, let it snow, LET IT SNOW"

okay, and for those of you who cant get the other tune out of your heads, I will sing with you too.

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship"

Ride home

The ride home today was an interesting adventure. It was raining pretty hard and the sun was out and shining brightly. This, as one would expect, causes brilliant rainbows. What one might not expect is that the sun was reflecting off the wet highway and as cars drove past they would through up a mist of water behind them. The effect of this was interesting to say the least. This dual effect produced a rainbow that came straight up out of the highway in the lanes on the opposite side. To simplify it, you had a large and brilliant rainbow in the sky that came all the way to the ground so you could see the actual end of the rainbow right next to you as you drove. This was a neat thing to see in passing, but it did bring some difficulties. Every driver on the road seemed to make the same observation that I did, how neat is that. What some large percentage of drivers did, however, was to not notice that the rainbow stayed right in front of them all the time, so they would slow down (dramatically) to look at this beauty. The person behind them was usually caught unawares of their braking and then would have to hit their brakes rather briskly, which then transfers on back the line until you have a continuous pattern of speed up, brake frantically for no good reason, repeat all the way home. I don't know what they were expecting to see at the end of the rainbow, some chick in a dress with a dog in a basket maybe, or some short guy dressed all in green dancing around a pot singing about yellow moons, pink stars and green clovers, who knows. All I know is I almost ground into fairy dust a couple of times by semi behind me.

While this was going on I got a call from blink...blink.. my wife, who informed me of two items of interest. First off, each time I reference her in my blog she says I owe her 5 bucks. This is the rule that firstlady hottietype from the nation of Indiana has for her husband the pastor. Each time Pastor Mark references her or the kids, she claims ownership of 5 bucks. I will agree to this rule, in its entirety and pay up just as often as Mark does, never. I asked her what made her think I was referencing her to begin with, she then listed her 3 favorite things, Vera Bradley (ugly quilt like purse), Ipod (she complains about not having a nano), and Iphone, (her latest on the list of I wants). The trick here is, only she knew I was talking about her, for sure, anyway. The second point she wanted to bring up was that she had spoken to my beloved sister in law Kristie. Kristie called to point out that my new idea of "today's deep thought" was boring and I needed to go back to having funny posts. Now, let me just think about this for a moment. I can either write a post with a deep meaning that allows the reader to exercise their mind, ponder the greater meanings of life, reach out into the great expanse of knowledge and look introspectively upon themselves. I can provide insight into the purpose of existence, the karma of daily life, the spiritual relevance of mankind. I can suggest to people the greater comprehensions of events in time and space. I can help all mankind form some understanding of the universe.

OR.

I can talk about poop.

Hmm. I guess I will just have to give up my daily deep thinking because it is just too much to ask people to endure. When the philosophy of life comes pitted directly against "I don't wont raisins in my butt" and the all mighty and powerful Fernando, I guess poop is just more interesting too read about. So, Kristie, I will endeavour to have more funny stories about constipated toddlers, call center employees named Squishy, and other such nonsense, and less stories about philosophy and human nature. Maybe my next entry will be about my inlaws. I might need to post a story about a line I remember that went something like this." I gave my heart and souuuuuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllll.............................." Or maybe not, who knows.

Greed

Today's deep thought:





"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"





HT to comedian Stephen Wright.


http://www.stevenwright.com/index.shtml

We are a greedy people. So greedy in fact that we have even invented phrases to describe our greediness. Phrases like, "keeping up with the Jones's". We even have entire industries that constantly improve things just because we want to buy new stuff, not that the thing didn't work, were worn out or needed improved. We must have the biggest SUV that hauls 23 kids, which is now being replaced buy the need to have the greenest car that gets 150 MPG. (http://evolution.loremo.com/) We must have the biggest smallest Ipod, or Iphone. Why cant I live without a nano, or a nino for that matter. Must I have Vista, I really don't want it. Don't get me started on Xbox and PS whatever the heck it is this week. Why cant we stop the need for more more more. And just so the tech nerds don't feel left out of the "I want new toys" parade, no, I don't tweeter or twitter and I don't RSS feed read or burn either because I like to see people hit my site meter and I return the favor by hitting theirs. Speed is another thing, why do we need cars that go 150MPH? I cant drive that fast anyway because of all the other cars on the road, all with only one person in them I might add. Anyway, deep thought for the day, the next time we head off to the store we should ask ourselves, do I need one more Vera Bradley purse just because I don't have that pattern yet and Judith has more than me, or can I really live without it just fine. Just a thought, a deep thought.

I am now going to listen to my non-satellite AM radio as I drive my leased SUV home to my palacial estate in Maineville. (HT to Bill Cunningham for the palacial estate line)

Reflections

Today's deep thought:

"If you want to know what you look like, look at your reflection. If you want to know who you are, close your eyes."

Chris

We have a tendency to see what we think about ourselves when we look in a mirror. We do not usually see what is really there. We almost never see what others see when they look at us. For the best perception of "self" we should simply close our eyes and take a hard look.

Fences

Today's deep thought:



"It is impossible to see things from both sides, unless you have been standing in both places"



Chris

Value

Today's deep thought:

"It is the prudent and responsible thing to do, one must go to great lengths to protect ones jewels."

Chris