Nissan Calling

Warning, incoherent rant to follow.

I received a call, at work, today from a call center in Texas about my Nissan lease of a Quest. The caller wanted to know why I was behind in my payments and if I was going to pay them soon. At first I just figured this was a slightly impatient issue because I made the payment about a week late, but then the lady informed me that I was 700+ dollars behind. I know this is not the case and called up my online bank account to check that I was correct and I am. While informing her of this she said my monthly payment was 10 days late and my property tax was long overdue. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, this is not going to be pleasant. First, let me stop here to point out two things, one, we don't pay property tax on vehicles in Ohio, second, this person is apparently from India and her accent is extremely thick so I am having difficulty understanding her and she is struggling to understand a somewhat irritated me at this point. I now ask her to transfer me to a supervisor. I will attempt to relive the conversation from here and I shall name her my "squishy" from this point on.

"Squishy": May I inquire as to why you wish to speak with them?

Me : Yes ma'am, I have called Nissan 4 times already to discuss this problem. Ohio doesn't charge property tax on vehicles, this is an error. Every time I call they tell me it will be corrected. The last time I called was because I was preparing to buy a house and I didn't want something negative showing up on my credit rating, they assured me the problem was taken care of and it wouldn't be an issue. It obviously is still an issue, and besides, I don't mean to offend you but I am having great difficulty in understanding you.

"Squishy": you don't feel your behind on your payments?

Me: no, at least not that much.

"Squishy": Hold please and I will look into it for you.

Me: okay.

9 minutes later I am still on hold, at work, and am expecting a different voice to return to the phone, but oh no, back comes "Squishy"

"Squishy": Sir, are you still there?

Me: yes ma'am.

"Squishy": You are correct, Ohio doesn't charge property tax on vehicles, but we are not the ones charging you the tax.

(Thank you Miss-us Obvious, now scrub some stupid off and pay attention)

Me: fine, but I don't care who is charging me, I don't owe it and I am not paying it, it needs removed from my bill.

(now would be good)

"Squishy": We cant do that because we are not the ones charging you. The charge dates all the way back to November 2006.

(maybe she is starting to grasp it, nah)

Me: I realize that, I have called you 4 times concerning this and have been told it was an error and would be taken care of, its not my error, and I am not paying the bill.

"Squishy": I don't know when you moved, but when you moved from Dublin Connecticut to Ohio the bill came to Ohio.

(the only thing I even know about Connecticut is that they have Husky women)

Me: Connecticut? I have never lived in Connecticut, I have never even been to Connecticut. I lived on Dublin Court in Cincinnati Ohio, that's Court not Connecticut. Ct. not CT. This needs to be removed.

"Squishy": You must take care of this with them.

(And I will call you my squishy and you will be my squishy, zap, ouch, you must be kidding)

Me: OH no, not, nyet, uh-uh, ain't happenen, neeehw neeehw.

"Squishy": You must settle before the end of your lease.

(Abby something, Abby Normal)

Me: Okay, I am having great difficulty understanding you and your not understanding me at all, I need to speak wi.................

(she just interupted me, anybody got a spoon, I need to pluck out my eyes now)

"Squishy": You ............... Need.............to..............take................care................of ..............this...............before.................the .................end....................of .................your..................lease

(she's talking slow 'cause I cant hear fast.)

Me: I now have three reasons I need to speak to you supervisor, would you connect me please.

"Squishy" : (sigh) hold.

The fact that she started speaking slow to me has my blood boiling at this point. Sweetheart, talking slower wont help anything, speaking clear discernible English would help. I don't begrudge immigrants anything, she is here, she is working, God bless America, but why do we put English as a second language people in a call center to call people about bad debts etc who are barely intelligible by the general public at large? I am holding long enough to find grace and regain some sense of moral balance before someone else picks up the line.

Fernando: (not kidding this time) Hello, this is Fernando, how are you.

Me: Fine, how are you doing today.

(like I care at this point, oops, struggle for grace, struggle for grace)

Click, he is gone, hung up on me. Hmm, now its time to phone number scramble, but wait the phone rang, its Fernando.

Fernando: Sorry, we were disconnected, how may I help you.

(little accident I am sure)

Me: ( I run through the whole story again, including the fact that "Squishy" is telling me I need to fix it)

Fernando: I see your concern

(Oh happy day, he sees my concern, I wonder if he can see my ears are bright red and my pulse is higher than Pete Rose's gambling debt.)

Fernando: I will look into it and resolve this error for you.

(Just a minute home slice, aint fallin for that line again.)

Me: hold on a sec there boss. No offense, but I have heard that before, repetitively. I need something more from you this time. I want a letter stating that the charge has been removed and why it took a whole year to resolve the issue. I also want an email stating when this letter was mailed so I have some recourse if it magically doesn't show up

Fernando: I don't think a letter such as this is possible.

(Not possible, not possible, you want me to type it for you nit wit. Do I need to send you a box of crayola, big box with 16 new colors maybe and you can jot down a few small words that even "Squishy" can get her paws around. Something like, sorry we are lame and we fixed it now. Eliminating world hunger is not possible, finding a respectable lawyer is not possible, regaining your virginity is not possible, writing me a letter is within you grasp I would think)

Me: well I need something, like I said, your not the first guy to the party, I have heard this all before, but I never can get back to the same person so it always starts from scratch. I am always told it will be taken care of, its not. I believe you will try, but what happened to the other folks who tried? Something happens once I am off the phone, I don't know what and cant find out because there is no recourse.

Fernando : How about I give you my direct line to here in Irving Texas.

Me: now that's progress, give it to me Fernando.

Fernando: blah blah blah ext. blah Give me till Monday and I will fix this for you.

Me: Okay, if I don't hear from you, I will call you Monday, will Fernando answer the phone?

Fernando: yes

Me: wonderful, then I will speak with you Monday, and if need be Tuesday, and if need be Wednesday, and I will keep calling you until we have resolution of the issue, this way we both know we will git-er-done.

Fernando: (muffled giggle) yes we will.

Me: you have a good day Fernando

Fernando: you as well.

Upon conclusion of this waste of 45 minutes work time, my engineer smiles and says when I call Monday Fernando will have never existed and Jose Juan Lopez will answer the phone.

Let me state again, I love immigrants, I adopted one after all. Fernando spoke clearly and as of now I have no reason to doubt that he will git-er-done. "Squishy" on the other hand was not prepared for her job and not capable of doing it. Talking slow because I cant hear fast is not going to do anything but cause me to seize up like a nun in a Turkish bath house.

and now I wait till Monday, I will keep you all abreast of the situation of "Squishy", Fernando, and the Nissan Quest.