Fruit hat massacre

Galatians 5:22-23 

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law

Are we sure about that?  Are we sure there is no law against it?  I ask because it seems to be almost our nature to avoid showing any fruit.  Lets think about it for a minute..........

Okay, minutes up..   if you completely agree with me and you totally understand it.. good....... for the other 99.9% of you, keep reading and we shall discuss !!

There are a lot of human beings ( and I use the term loosely) out there that are just flat nasty, hateful, snotty, rude , classless, self centered , mouth breathing vagabonds with nothing better to do than make everyone around them miserable.  You know these folks, you walk the other way way when you see them, you check the time on your wrist even though you're not wearing a watch just to avoid eye contact with them. Eye contact with them will turn you into a stone just like Medusa's head after all !! Yes these folks are allowed to roam loose in the world.  They, however, are not the problem, we are !!  Who are we then ?? We are the rest of the folks who are just too ( deep breath ) lazy-preoccupied-over burdened-culturally desensitized-distracted-busy-self focused-meandering aimlessly- LOST people.  Yeppers, we're lost.  We wonder thru each day in a fog of overstimulation!!  We plug our way through the forest each and every day never seeing a single tree.  Not one.......  not a single tree.  We don't see this as a problem until we trip over a root, or somebody else cracks our backside with a branch !!  We simply don't see the problem until it is thrust upon us , then we just feel sorry for ourselves.

Let me test you.

Do you know the names of any of the employees at that gas station you stop at on the way home from work?  I know you most likely know their face, but can you, do you, call them by name?

Do you know the names of anyone who works your favorite drive thru window?

The last time some guy tried to cut you off on the highway, did you think to yourself, " oh, this guy must be late for something important, maybe I should give him a little more room and let him get in front of me" ?

That lady sitting at the table next to you last Wednesday, did she have a good day?  You would know if you asked, did you ask?

You go to the grocery once a week ( or twice, or almost daily like me )  do the folks in the checkout line know your name?  Do you know their's, their husband/wife/kids names?  Do you know if they having a good day or not?

When you address a person you do not know, do you smile , say please and thank you, and yes ma'am, no sir?

Unless you answered 100%   YES , of course....... then you're qualified to be, " the rest of us" . Yep, you're in the club, you're the problem !!

Okay, now that I have attempted to point out the problem,  fruitlessness, lets talk about it for a minute.  Yes, I know you're still reading becuase you're just as guilty as me.

Why did you not answer yes to all of the above questions?  I know why, same reason as me, you don't have time, don't have the energy to make the effort, don't really care all that much, and you judge the person as not being enough a part of your life to concern yourself with them. They are just there, there to do what they do and you are just passing by.  Like it or not, that's why.

There is also another reason.  It is easier not to be kind, not to be gentle.  It's more difficult to excersize self control than it is to just go with what you feel.  We would much rather pick a scab than to help a wound heal, its easier and a lot more fun, right !!  It comes more naturally to sit around making fun of your coworkers toupee that looks like a Chia Pet gone horribly wrong, than it does to sit down and have coffee with a guy and listen to him tell you about his wife leaving him, his dog dying, and his kids alcohol and drug problems. I mean, given the choice, which would you pick?  The first option is easy, and for a lot of us, a daily activity.  The second choice is tough and more rare.  We don't even need to focus on stuff that extreme, but it seems to be much easier to verbally destroy others, even when they are not around, even when we don't even know them, than it is to verbally build others up.  We are quick to see the faults in others, the differences, the oddities ( although Walmart makes it all too easy).  We are slow to praise others, it is more difficult.  We feel odd making positive remarks about each other, it is almost as if our culture discourages the activity. Granted, people also discourage that activity, some folks are just hard to be kind to, but that's no excuse.  Why do we have the habit of trying to build ourselves up by tearing others apart?  Can we really better ourselves that way, does it really make us feel better, bigger, stronger, to demean others?

Is it in our nature to be destructive?  Is it in our nature to be negative towards others?  Is the negative the only thing we see in each other, have things gotten that bad? Or, maybe, just maybe, its not the only thing we see, just the first thing?  Yes, I know very large women with messy nests they call hair should not wear really really tight bright green pants......  but , is that a reason to not be kind to them?  Yes, I know some that kid in the drive thru window with a hole in his ear the size of a quarter and golf tee stuffed through the bridge of his nose is entertaining to talk about, but , is that a reason to not show him some forbearance, not to bear with him, not to show him some grace?

Quick side note: For those of you who at this moment are thinking, " well, it's not like I say anything in front of them, they can't know what I say to my friends" I have some bad news for you.  Having grown up as ' that guy'  , we know !  We know what you're thinking, we know what you're going to say later, we just hope you wait till later to say it.  I am as guilty as the next guy, but let me tell you for certain, we know.  It becomes awkward when you look at it that way.  I judge people wrongly, but I unfortunately know they know I am doing it.  When people judge me, I know it.  Why is nothing ever said then?  It's just too awkward to confront casually, that's the only reason.  So the next time you look at the mom who has totally lost control of her kids in the grocery, the kids who are opening the cereal boxes in the aisle and using the Cheerios as confetti, and don't say anything until you get back with your good mom friends, remember this, she knows what you think of her, and what you're going to say...

So, now what ??

We fix it.  We change it.  We correct it.  We apply ourselves.  We work towards making the world better, one small act at a time.  We grab some fruit and wear in on our heads !! ( what did he say )  Ever notice that when someone wears a hat, you always notice the hat?  It is right there, right out there for everyone to see.  What if we wore our fruit on our heads?  That way people would not have to look to find it, they would see it right away.  A lot of us who have fruit, don't always put it out in front in plain sight for everyone to see, we judge and only show the fruit to those we deem worthy.  It's kinda like that guy selling knock off  Rolex watches out of his trench coat.  When only open our coat to expose our fruit to people whom we choose.  We all need fruit hats instead.

Okay, so if you're on board with me,  what do we do, how do we wear a fruit hat?

Well, step one is reverse our thinking.  Typically we think about how we feel and pay attention to what others do.. Step one is to flip that scenario and think about how others feel and pay attention to we do.

Lets go back to the quarter sized hole in ear golf tee wearing drive thru guy.  How is his day going?  Ask him, no seriously, ask him !  " here is your change, receipt at next window'......... thank you sir,  and hey, how's going? its a beautiful day today, I hope you get off work in time to enjoy a little bit of it."  Odds are he is going to look at you funny because he wasn't expecting that, but trust me, if you do it , and then do it again next time you're there you will slowly transform in his mind from that really odd person into that cool person he looks forward to seeing every once in a while.  Yes, its incredibly awkward at first, but it gets easier.

Use your manners.  Please and thank you, have a nice day, how are you doing, etc.  Address people as ma'am and sir is great, but if you can avoid the creepy getting in their business factor, find out their name.  I can honestly say that when I walk in to BP to get gas I can ask Rona how she is feeling today.  I know she is almost fully recovered from the stroke she had a  year ago, and if I am alone she asks " where is that cute little girl of yours tonight"  If Gracie happens to be with me however, Rona and I never speak to each other, she talks to Gracie !!

For crying out loud.......... SMILE.......  people are not invisible. Make eye contact with them, talk to them, smile at them.  Treat every person you see with respect.  Let me say that again, slowly this time.. treat every person you see, every single one, with respect.  Act like they are really people, because in reality, you know what, they ARE people;  People with feelings, challenges, needs, etc.... they are real living people whom you have the opportunity to address in a kind, loving, gentle, self controlled manner..

The concept I am talking about here isn't all that difficult. The difficult part is understanding that we are not doing it.  The challenge is to deliberately and diligently try to show all of the fruit, all the time, to everyone.  The difficulty is in not judging and picking and choosing who we show our fruit to.  The hard part is admitting we are jerks ( hi, my name is Chris, and I am a jerk) and then working at being a freak with a fruit hat.

How cool would it be if we could suddenly accomplish this task?

What if we actually treated everyone with respect, cared about each person we came across, learned to recognize them as people, as individuals, as human beings. What if we shared grace with each person we see?  Let me put it this way, did God give you forgiveness and grace so that you could take all that forgiveness and all the ample grace and put it in your pocket to keep?  Of did He give you forgiveness and grace so that you could share it with others, forgive them, and show them as much grace as they need?

Arlo Guthry , singer of Alice's Restaurant

You know, if
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him seriously And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both strange and they won't believe either one of them
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people encouraging one another respecting each other, smiling and being kind.  They may think it's an
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day putting on a fruit had and loving one another And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

 

I am officially declaring this the Fruit of the Spirit Movement.  Join with me and show each person you see kindness, gentleness, goodness, patience, love, peace, and joy.  Join me and put the fruit on your head, wear your fruit hat for everyone to see..........

Fear !!

" The only thing we have to fear................ is fear itself.  "  FDR.

Wow, what telling words these are.  Take a moment and try and remove the words from the WWII context and you will see they have a deeper meaning than simply discussing war.  To address the meaning, you might want to have a working definition of what fear is.

From Dictionary.com :  Fear:

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror, trepidation, qualm.

 

Okay, read that again...... slowly......

 

a distressing emotion ( blah blah blah )  Danger ( blah blah blah ) EVIL ( blah blah blah )  .......

 
Hmmm, notice anything?  A distressing emotion...... distress........  stress........ stress caused by..... caused by among other things, caused by evil..
 
Wow,  Now rethink FDR's quote..  " the only thing we have to fear....... is fear itself "    Now that we have a working definition of fear, lets reword his famous quote.
 

" the only thing that we have to cause us distress.......... is evil  "

 
Makes perfect sense, but I bet you never thought of it that way.  Why have we never looked at it that way?  Simple reason, fear is almost as complex and nearly as misunderstood as the word Love.  Love is complicated, it means many different things, fear is complicated as well, it also has many different meanings.  Different meanings to different people based on their own perceptions.  For example, also from Dictionary.com:
 
Fear: reverential awe, especially toward God: the fear of God. Synonyms: awe, respect, reverence, veneration.
 

That is a completely different definition of fear, in this context, fear is a positive.

 
Fear can also be a positive when it occurs as an instinct.  From Wikipedia:
 
Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response
 
In this context, fear is neither positive, nor negative, it is simply a message!
 
Fear is a lot more complicated that you might have guessed...
 

So, what are we afraid of?  Again, from Wikipedia:

 
According to surveys, some of the most common fears are of ghosts, the existence of evil powers, cockroaches, spiders, snakes, heights, water, enclosed spaces, tunnels, bridges, needles, social rejection, failure, examinations and public speaking.  flying, heights, clowns, intimacy, death, rejection, people, snakes, success, and driving.
 

For the purpose of discussion from this point on, I am going to address fear in two forms.  Negative fear and positive fear.  From the above dialogue, I am going to assume you were paying attention and are now sufficiently able to tell the difference between the two.  One thing that I find curious is the source of fear, so lets start there.

 

Positive fear, aka reverence, respect, awe.  This is a Godly fear, or fear of God as it is usually stated.  This has proved an interesting conundrum to me in the past.  If , as we are told, God did not provide us the Spirit of Fear, then why should we, why do we, fear God?  Well, that is why understanding the word is so important.  We should not fear God with a negative fear, God is not stressing us.  He will upon occasion stretch us, but that is a whole different thing all together.  Stretching is growing, and while it might be uncomfortable at the time, it is not something to fear, He has given us Grace after all, and with His Grace and Mercy all we need has been provided, why should we fear?  What do we have to be afraid of?  If God is with us, who can stand against us?  With faith, we stand with God, and it faith we should have no fear.  I am going to submit to you that Positive Fear comes from within us, positive fear is the manifestation of our faith. The greater our fear of the Lord, the greater our faith.. Sounds funny to say it that way in our culture, so let me rephrase it.  The greater our reverence, the greater our respect, the greater our awe of the Lord, the greater our faith becomes.  Now, that sounds better.  My original question was where does fear come from?  My first answer is this , positive fear comes from within us and is directly connected to faith.

 

Before going deeper into the point of writing this post, let me briefly address instinctive fear.  Instinctive fear is a messenger, it is a warning that someone or something is presenting a situation that can harm us.  This fear is also from within us, placed there to act as a signal tower to alert us to potential harm. Each individual may react differently or at a different level to this stimulus, but it is an automatic and uncontrolled response.  We, as humans, can condition ourselves to ignore the warning, perhaps taking it from a paralysing terror down to a more manageable level, but the instinct will always be there.  Soldiers can ignore the fear of thrusting themselves into the battle, but some warning, ignored or not, was there for them.

 

Now , on to the crux of the matter.  Negative fear = a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.  I am going to add to my question here and not only ask what is the source of this fear, but why, in our culture, do we do like to play with it?  This is the most common definition of fear, when asked about fear, most of my respondents replies fell into this category of negative fear.  (thank you facebook friends for your inputs )  When fear is discussed, usually negative fear is the subject.  Fear, anxiety, trepidation, terror, horror, dread, all these words have extremely negative implications.  None of us ( assumption on my part ) would want to witness the horror of seeing our child, or any child, being struck and killed by a car.  None of us would want to suffer through the terror of being on a plane as it spirals into the ground knowing that upon impact we will die a horrible death.  None of us would want to bear the anxiety of a hostage situation, knowing that sooner or later some of us will die.  We can all agree that this kind of fear, negative fear, is something to be avoided.  We don't ever want to experience this level of fear.

 

This is why I find it so strange, so odd, so illogical, that we as a culture are somehow enthralled with playing with fear.  We have manufactured an entire industry around the creation of artificial fear!  Notice the definition one last time ( beating the horse , I know )  whether the threat is real or imagined.  We all would just as soon avoid real fear, but yet we not only seek out imagined fear, we pay lots of money to achieve it!!  Does this really make sense?  We are saying fear is....... fun.  Does that make sense?  When looked at from logical terms, no, it makes no sense whatsoever, yet, we all do it.  ( yes, I will confess now to being guilty as well )  I do this, I have done this, I am just pointing out how terribly odd this really is.  ( quick disclaimer, I confess because I do not want you to view the following dialog as ridicule, indictment, or judgement )

 

The thing we list most often as fearing is ghosts and evil powers, yet we pay to go to haunted houses, we pay to watch horror movies, we even enjoy a holiday based around dressing up like evil spirits.  There is even a hit television show called Fearfactor.  The participants in the show experience real fear while we entertain ourselves by watching them, by watching their fear.  We flock to amusement parks and get on rides that induce artificial fear in us because of the motion, the height, the rapidity of the movement.  It is all based on our fear.  Are we trying to overcome our fears?  Some might say yes, others no, but if you ride a roller coaster once and experience fear, and the second time you no longer have the same anxiety, do you ride it a third time?  Most would answer yes, even after 'conquering' the fear, you continue to ride in hopes of getting a little more of that emotion.  Spiders were listed high on the list as well, yet the movie Arachnophobia was a blockbuster.  Why would we do that?  People tie rubber bands to themselves and jump off bridges, we jump out of airplanes for sport.  Not all who engage in this had fear of heights, but the emotional state achieved while falling is an attempt at generating a 'safe' fear.  An artificial fear.  A good ride at an amusement park is one in which while you are standing in line, you can hear the riders screaming.  Why are they screaming?  Is it fear?  If so, why are we in line to get on?  Same holds true with a 'good' horror movie, the theater full of screamers is the best movie.  Have we decided that fear is fun? 

 

These are just things that make me wonder, what are we thinking.

 

Other part of the question, where does negative fear come from? 

 

I cannot say for certain. 

 

But, this does come to mind.

 

 

1 Peter 5:8

New International Version (NIV)

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

 
 

So, in conclusion, I submit this.......  What is fear?  What are we afraid of?  Should we fear anything at all?

 

I end as I began.

 

" The only thing we have to fear....... is fear itself" 

 

Wise words indeed........

 

Baptism of Grace

Back in October Gracie was baptized. For those who might not understand what that is, it is the act of being immersed in water for the forgiveness of sins, to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit, and the acceptance and confession of Jesus Christ as her personal Lord and Savior. The immersion represents death and rebirth as a new creation, a disciple and follower of Jesus.


Now, technical stuff aside. Gracie had wanted to be baptized for some time before this, but being willing, and understanding what she was doing were not exactly in the same place. Our pastor firmly believes that a person who wants to be baptized must be able to 'weigh the costs' as well as just wanting to do it. They must  not just be willing to make the commitment, but understand what the commitment is. So, Gracie took a class ( four weeks long)  with our pastor and learned all about what the costs are. Only hours after completion of the class, she started making plans to go and speak with the pastor about her desires. Pastor talked with her a while, made certain it was her desire, not her parents, and re-confirmed it was her understanding, not something else. Upon completion of this, a date was set .

Gracie requested that her mom and dad be the ones to do the baptism. ( woot woot !!) She wanted me to do the dunking, so mom got to take the confession of faith before hand, then I got to do it.


So, the first caveat of this story is , why did she want me to do the dunking ? There was more than just one reason, but one of the driving forces behind her decision to choose me was that she is/was afraid of the water. I take her to the pool in the summer, she has a blast, but she does not at all like to put her face under water. When she does, water goes up her nose ( why? I dunno ) and that freaks her out. Since I am always the one in the water with her, I was her choice to be the dunker.Whatever the reason for her choice, it was her choice, and I am/was simply thrilled I got the blessed pleasure of being able to do it.


Now that she has made the decision, and made her choices , its just a matter of waiting until Sunday and making sure all her friends and family are aware of it and have the opportunity to come see if they choose to. For those outside the faith, or with a different understanding of the concept, just understand, to us, this is a huge, humongous, eternally big deal. During the week, Gracie is so very excited. She is looking forward to it, she is hungry for it, she keeps talking about it, everything is so very positive. One of the sidebars to the story is that Gracie has not been able to take communion. It bothered her that other kids did, and she didn't. It bothered her other kids who had not been baptized did, and she wanted to follow the rules so she wouldn't, but they shouldn't be doing it either. ( her words ) So, she was looking forward to being able to take communion with the adults and the 'big kids' and 'teens'. She even wanted to make sure she got back into the service in time to take communion with everyone else, for her first time. ( another cool thing was mom got to hand Gracie the first part and I the second part of her first communion, that was pretty special as well)

So, I mentioned that Gracie was off the hook excited, and everything was positive. Well, as the week wore on, one small thing did change. When I was tucking Gracie in one night, she mentioned to me, " oh, by the way daddy, the water still scares me a little" ( uh oh ) That was all she said, and we did talk about it for it a while. She seemed to be okay, it was just a little scared, not terrified, not big scared, just a little scared.


I was worried, however, that this issue was going to grow. I was concerned that when she was standing there she was going to stiffen up on me and not want to lay back into the water. I didn't want to force her to lay back, so I wasn't sure what would happen. It just so happens ( insert Divine intervention here ) that I was signed up to do a prayer walk in the sanctuary that weekend. I went from station to station praying and praising, following the instructions. But, when I got to the front of the sanctuary, I deviated from the plan a little. I walked up to the baptismal, put my hands in the water, ( the ice cold water ) and prayed for Gracie. The gist of the prayer went something like this, " Lord, we know we are not worthy of the gift of your grace, and neither are we worthy of the gift you have given us in Grace. She is such a blessing to us and so many others. She brings joy to so many people, the light of your Love shines so brightly through her smile and her laughter. When we came home from China and laid her on the altar we promised to " raise her up in the way she should go" we promised to give her back to you in acknowledgement that she came from You. Gracie has chosen to do this, she wants to come closer to you, she wants to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. But, Lord, I am concerned that she is still afraid of the water. Lord, I come as your humble servant asking help, if it be Your will, let Your peace flow through the water and calm her spirit. Lord I ask that you drive any and all fear out of this place , drive the fear from her as we know the spirit of fear is not from You. Let Your comfort and peace flow into her and allow her to come to you without fear in her heart. In Jesus name "


Now, fast forward to Sunday.

Sunday morning, its friends day at church, Gracie has additional family and friends there to see her and because its friends day ( bring a friend to church day) the place is jammed packed. Me, mom and Gracie are in back getting our robes on and preparing to head to the water. ( insert appropriate water song here, let us gather by the river maybe ) Gracie looks up at me and says, " I'm still a little scared by the water" and before I can answer her, mom explains to her that Jesus is in the water waiting for her, and he won't let anything happen to her. ( mom doesn't know about my prayer so I think that was a pretty cool thing to say, you rock mom)

Now, lets do a play by play from here.


We are all robed up and waiting.

Pastor pops in, music is playing, when the music stops we head into the water.

Mom goes up the stairs first, then Gracie, then me, pastor is only minimally aware that there is a potential issue.

When we arrive at the precipice of the stairs we can all three look down into the water.


Mom is a little nervous because she has a lot of words to say and isn't comfortable with public speaking, she is also concerned that she will cry and not be able to speak.


I am concerned that my daughter will stiffen up and not let me lay her back into the water. ( oh me of little faith )

Gracie takes one look at the water and FLIPS OUT.......


Tears come streaming down her face, she is shaking, she is terrified. I offer to carry her into the water. She yells at me. "NO"

Her little body is trembling with fear.

" the water looks funny, it looks too deep, the water is green, I'm scared, I don't want to get in it, I don't want to get in...... we can do this later, "

Pastor comes up the stairs and lays hands on Gracie to comfort her, says something like, its okay Gracie.

Gracie flashes a look over her shoulder at him and tells him , "NO"

( have to know the people to get the humor in that part, Gracie is so respectful and shy, quiet around Pastor Brian, to yell at him is comically out of character)

Mom is reminding her that Jesus is in the water and He is waiting for her.

I remind her that not only is Grandpa and a bunch of her friends out there waiting on her, but being a disciple means being a good example for them, this was her choice, she needs to follow through.

Both of her parents words fell on deaf ears, still shaking, trembling, and crying very hard.
Pastor Brian has stepped down away from us and I can feel him praying instead of talking.

Music stops..............

Mom steps off stairs into the water.

Gracie steps off , as if on cue, and touches the water.


She has a death grip on my finger as she steps forward. Then, as she touches the water, her grip loosens. Every tear is dried away from her eyes. The shivering and trembling is gone. I immediately notice that something happened. Being the slow and sinful creature that I am, it took me a minute to recognize what just happened.

Gracie stands firmly and confidently facing her mom.

Mom talks for a moment to Gracie about how proud we are of her.

Mom asks Gracie to repeat a confession of faith.

Gracie speaks...... she speaks in a confident voice..... ( her best cheerleader voice )

It strikes me then, confident........ fearless........

Now its my turn.......

I speak briefly as well, then I hand Gracie the handkerchief. She places it over her mouth and nose. I place my hand over hers and place my other hand behind her back.

Here is the moment that I was concerned about...... what will she do........ ( oh me of little faith, have I learned nothing!!)

Not only did she not struggle or fight me, she dove........DOVE ...... back into my hand. If she had been on dry land she would have done one of her back handsprings.

When she came back up out of the water, there was nothing but peace........

and applause from a packed church......

We headed out of the water, changed and headed back to the sanctuary for communion and the service.

After service, much love and many hugs, we headed to lunch at Putters, with Grandpa, Debi, and several other friends..

Later that night Gracie said something to me that still sits on my spirit. I was talking to her about how cool it was that she was so confident in the water, once she got in.. She looked at me and said, " I was afraid, but when I got it the water and you told me to not be afraid , I wasn't " ( problem,, once in the water, I didn't say that.... hmm, wonder )


My belief..... (say what you will ) my belief is that God removed the fear from her, but only after she battled a spiritual attack and had the faith to trust Him and step forward. He took care of her, as He always does, but this time she had to bare the cost of her decision first, and when she did so, He blessed her, like He always will......

Where have all the good men gone?

Before we begin, let me make a few points crystal clear.  I am talking about men in this post even though I will spend a good deal of time discussing women.   ( clear as mud, I know )  Also, before I go railing on the bad behavior of my gender in general, I want to point out that I am not now nor have I ever been immune to the behaviors/situations I am going to discuss.  I am not 'tooting my own horn' at any time.  Just because I am discussing the disgusting in third person, does not mean I am not guilty in the first person.  As an added caveat, for my feminist friends, read slowly, I am not bashing or blaming women for anything !  Let us begin.

On the sixth day God created man, and we have been messing everything up ever since.

First I want to point towards a well known, well researched, and well publicized issue concerning women.  I will call it the Barbie syndrome.  There was a time , not so long ago, when Barbie was being attacked on a regular basis.  She was being attacked by women's groups, government watchdogs and the like.  What was the issue?  If you somehow managed to miss this, Barbie can and does have negative effects on the self esteem and self body image of young girls.  They play with Barbie, they try to emulate Barbie, but they can never BE Barbie.  Barbie is an unattainable standard.  Barbie has taken the heat off and on through the years as being a driving force behind bulimia and anorexia, as well as behind a growing obesity issue and some connections to young suicides.  Barbie has been a bad bad girl over the years.  While personally I find the issue just a bit overstated, I will acknowledge that for some reasonable percentage of young girls, this Barbie syndrome does begin to have a negative effect on their potential development.  I think other factors are required for this to get out of hand , parenting, poor school environments, and other issues play their parts as well.  The reason I wanted to point out this small piece of trivia about the self esteem and body image of women, is because it leaves boys/men out of the scenario all together.  Or said another way, Barbie is a commercial, cultural icon that is causing potential damage to girls, but it is just one icon.  How many icons are effecting the self esteem and body image of boys?  Does Barbie not effect boys too?  ( using the term Barbie here to mean cultural icon, not necessarily the actual doll )

The little snippet that brought this to the forefront of my mind the other day was an interview with an author who pointed out some interesting gender facts.  Did you know that 62% of the people in college are FEMALE?  That is correct, females now outnumber males in college attendance and have a higher rate (%) of graduation from college as well.  Women have invaded the campuses in record numbers during this generation.  An increase in the number of women attending college is in no way a negative thing.  The doors of higher education have been swung wide open for women for a good long while now, but it is in this generation that women have fully embraced their potential.  They are women, hear them roar !  The negative arrives when you look a little deeper.  The population is roughly evenly divided along gender lines, meaning there are about the same number of men as women.  So, in a totally even scenario, college campuses should be roughly evenly divided as well.  In generations past, when women were not encouraged to attend college, the numbers would be understandable askew.  In this generation of gender equality, one would expect the numbers to be approximately even, logically anyway.  They are in no way even, 62% women and the trend is growing !  Again, the point of this is not to undermine women, or wish less women went to college, the underlying question is this... WHERE DID ALL THE MEN GO?? 

Viewpoint number one, we, the men of this generation, men in this culture of America, we are victims.  Yes, I said it, we are victims !!  We have been overlooked, overburdened, and entirely too much has been asked of us.  We have been crushed under the pressure of the world.  Too many unrealistic expectation have been thrust upon us.  Women might have grown up under the unrealistic expectations of the Barbie syndrome, but what have we been subjected too?  What figures have been placed before us boys to emulate, and expectations to be like?  Who are the roll models for boys?  We are handed $10 million dollar a year quarterbacks.  ( with issues )

Michael Vick

We are handed billionaire moguls , street savvy politicians, ultimate warriors like GI -Joe and white knights who always come to save the day.

Talk about body image issues !! We men are given icons to chase after like the Old Spice Guy.  Look away, now back again...... Diamonds !!

While we chase after the ideal of being the man your man could smell like, in reality, what we see ourselves as is this :



We men have crumbled under the expectations.  Women have reacted to Barbie syndrome ( and other cultural stimuli ) by becoming more aggressive, aggressive to the point of self destruction in some cases.  Women have gotten on the diet fads, women have joined the ranks of workaholics in massive number.  Women have entered the world of cut throat ambition full steam ahead.  Men on the other hand,  we have reacted differently as a whole.  We have looked at the expectations and thrown our collective hands in the air and walked away.  We have said uncle, tapped out, given up.  We have crawled inside our x-box fantasy worlds and are just waiting for the real world to pass us by.  We have lost sight of what is important.   We men have by and large succumbed to the pressure and simply entered a state of total denial..  Men are hesitant to take responsibility for anything anymore.  All one need do to confirm my theory is to take a quick glance at our leaders.  How many years, how long can politicians in Washington simply blame it on the other guy !  ( Read that, its Bush's fault, its the Tea Party's fault, its my oppositions fault )  When will they take responsibility for their own actions or lack there of ?? Never is the cultural norm, and because its the cultural norm, people believe it.

Men are avoiding being fathers, and completely avoiding being dads !!  Men are becoming lousy husbands in record numbers.  The employed male head of household scenario is no longer the expectation in our culture.  Again, I have no issue with women working, I get the women are equal thing .  Fatherhood suffers from the same issues that has destroyed our body image and our financial head of household motivation. That enemy would be cultural roll models !!  The media is to blame in some small part, but the media only survives on what the society wishes to view !!  We must understand that, if we stop watching Sex in the City and Jersey Girls, that garbage will go away !

Okay men, I am done with the self flogging for now !  Now, I am issuing a call to action to all of us.  As men do, I am going to form a plan of action.  We will bypass the meeting, we will bypass the reading of the minutes , we will bypass all of the perfunctory who ha that is contained in our club.  I am here by to forth temporarily suspending all 'man cards' until further notice.  I am taking this action unilaterally.  To regain your membership in manhood, please consider the following:

Men, it is time we put our culture aside and looked to a more relevant source for our roll models.  It is time we took a good look at who we are and who we are meant to be.  I propose, men, that we attempt to adhere to the original biblical model instead of the American cultural model of what it means to be men, husbands and fathers.  Even those of you my friends who are not Christians will find the following sensible, logical, and you will find that it will work.

Here we go.....

Men......  these are the critical things.....

1. Work.  Men, you must work.  It wasn't long after God created us that he gave us a job, we were to 'tend' the garden.  It wasn't till the fall that the tend changed to 'toil'.  Either way, we were made to work and work we must.  Work doesn't even always mean be employed but when its time to make the donuts, make the donuts.  Employed is good, employed is productive, but some good men are not employed, all good men need to work!  We can work around the house, we can work in the community, we can work as a volunteer.  We can work on relationships, we can work on becoming better men, we can work on becoming better read and more well rounded individuals.  The definition of work I am using here is : to put concerted and continued effort into something that is productive and beneficial.  In other words, improving you bowling game, your beer bong skills, and your Angry Birds score do not count as work !
2. Love.  Love is a many splenderd thing, or something like that.  Love means a lot of different things depending on what we are talking about and who we are talking about.  Let us first address our wives.  From Ephesians 5..²⁵ "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" Now, what exactly does that mean?  It means what it says.  Give yourself up for her, make sacrifices without whining like a spoiled little girl.  Put her first and your own wants and yes even needs second to hers.  Consider her feelings ( ugh, I know , I know ) before your own.  Consider her happiness before your own.  Work ( see above ) towards providing for her without regard for yourself.  Love in itself is work, we must decide to do it, put forth effort into it, and the result is productive.  What should that look like in terms of a modern American man?  Well, lets start by cleaning up the kitchen once in a while, load the dishwasher and clean off the counters without being asked.  Do this even though you would rather be on Facebook or watching the big game.  Yes, yes I know she will fuss that you didn't do it right, they all do, but do it anyway because if you don't your not putting forth effort and showing love, if you do, your just incompetent, which is at least excusable.  Then, clean the toilet.  Again, do your best, you will not do it perfectly, but usually this job is one we men can do and not get told we did it wrong.  Every so often, send her out, give her some cash , some freedom, and some girl time.  You stay home and work on perfecting the toilet, laundry, and dishwasher skills while she hangs out with the girls.  We men like to do this, it is good for our wives to spend some time with their girlfriends too.  They are going to do this anyway, it works out much nicer for us if they are happy with us during this time, otherwise they will just spend their time sharing and comparing our imperfections.  In terms of loving our children, sorry men, their needs and wants also come before ours.  The most important  thing I can stress here is  we need to clearly and frequently tell our children we love them, and then show them that they are loved.  I cannot be clear enough here.  Our children should never question for a moment that we men will move heaven and earth for them.  They need to know that whether they are 3 or 30, we will be there for them.  The love of a child is unconditional.  Love one another.  This one is simple.  Treat each person in your life with kindness and respect.  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
3. Be a Father.  Men, this is one area among many were we are pitifully lacking.  Fathers lead, guide, teach, discipline, and mentor their children. Fathers raise their children up in the way they ought to go, so they will not depart from it.  A father is always aware of what their child is doing, what they are thinking, and what they are going thru.  They always know, because they are involved.  Fathers don't experience their children as an afterthought, but experience them as a purpose.  Fatherhood is a job, something that we work at.  Many a man has given up the father roll because they feel they cant do it.  Here is a clue for those men, nobody is perfect, we all struggle, doing it wrong isn't the greatest sin, walking away is.  Most adults can look back at our parents and identify tons of errors our parents made, but we will keep the errors if the exchange is for apathy and absence.  Fathers, stay in your kids lives, no matter what.  Make the effort, swim upstream , have courage, unrelenting effort should be the norm.. What is at stake is the next generation, and without good example, generations after that as well. Men, it is our responsibility to be take the person whom we helped to create and mold them into a human being better than ourselves.  It is no small task, but it is a priceless endeavour worthy of all our passion and energy.
4. Be a dad.  Notice that I am calling dad and father two different things gentlemen.  Its a dad who spends time having imaginary tea with his daughter and playing hide and seek with his son.  It's a dad who splatters water all over the bathroom making bath time so much fun.  Its a dad who stays up late putting the bicycle together, staying up until the job is done.  A dad takes his kid out for dinner, just the two of them together.  Its a dad who runs and runs and runs trying to keep the kite afloat when there is no wind in the weather.  A dad has no lecture of I told you so, he just puts his arm around his child and says, " yes, I know ".  Dads are very different creatures than fathers are, even though they both inhabit the same body.  It is important for a child to have both a father and a dad.  Men, stand up, be fathers and be dads.
5. Invest.  No, I don't mean in your 401K, nor do I mean in Apple Stock.  That is not the kind of investment I am talking about.  Men, invest in your spouse, your mate, your love, invest in her.  Talk with her, trust her deeply, keep no secrets.  Find so way of letting her know on a regular basis just how you feel about her.  There is an old saying about having some skin in the game.  The chicken has a stake in breakfast but the pig is invested, all in.  I cant resist the humorous irony here, but men, we need to be pigs on this one.  Go all in with your spouse !! Invest also in your children.  On a personal note, I have noticed the lack of men who show up for cheer practice with their daughters.  I have noticed a lack of testosterone at tumbling class as well.  Sure there are a few of us guys around, and there are always legit reasons for one parent doing something without the need of the other, but all in all, its oh so obvious that there  are a lack of guys at the girly stuff.  Men, pay attention, your daughter will notice if you care enough to invest the time to watch her practice, to watch her work, to watch her achieve.  There is something sad and hollow about reaching a milestone, or doing something perfectly for the first time, and your dad doesn't see it.  Sure its great that mom did, if mom did, but why is mom the only one ever there?  Men, your daughter is your child too, you cant be everywhere, you cant do everything, don't even try, but you can invest all you have.  Like in finance, choose your investments wisely.  Your daughters practice, even though its just practice, still trumps a night with the boys or a round of golf.  Invest in your community as well.  The people around you, family or not, will take note of what you invest your time in.  If you invest in church, raising money for cancer research, or volunteering to work at a shelter, your choices do not go unnoticed.
6. Accept your roll as pastor.  You are the pastor in your house.  You are the one whose job it is to lead the family in spiritual matters.  As pastor , you are king of your kingdom.  Beware the difference between the good King and the bad king.  You are not a totalitarian king like a Castro, you are to be a benevolent king like Jesus.  Sacrifice for your subjects, lead by example, do right so that others know what right is.  Pray with your family, pray for your family.......  the family that prays together stays together.
7. Let your yes be yes and your no be no.  Enough said !!
8. Respect your fellow man.  Men, we sometimes find ourselves at the gas pump, filling up on not just gasoline, but also filling up on judgements and jealousies.  Stop doing that.  Respect your fellow man, do not envy them, do not judge or despise them.  See that guy with duct tap window , standing there filling up his hoopty and wearing torn and dirty clothes, drinking a 40 out of a paper bag? You see that guy right !! You sir, are not one little bit any better than him.  You would not have survived half what he has been through.  If he looks at you, smile, say hello, be kind, do not judge.  See that guy with the convertible Maserati over there?  Yeah, the guy with 3 babes, one whispering in his ear, one pumping his gas and the third cleaning his windshield with her..... well, you see him right?  That guy, is not as lucky as you, he's no better than you.  Don't be jealous of him, life's to short to envy.

Now, I am going to take a page from the media on this one an end this segment on a visual note.  If it works in advertising and media outlet, maybe pictorials will work for me too.

advertisement



a man who gets his mancard back

out with the boys

investing

Hollywood love

real love



Hollywood work

man working

The line to retrieve your mancard will now form behind me...

Many blessings gentlemen.......



Amazing Grace

I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I might just share a little update about Gracie.  I have been thinking a lot lately about her journey through life.  The impetus for this is that her birthday is coming at the end of the month.  That is correct peeps, Gracie turns 8 this month.

First, I want to spend a minute talking about her tumbling/cheer classes.  She is enrolled at TNT Tumble Dance and Cheer. (TNT).  She goes to class between 2 and 4 times a week depending on her Little Miami Cheer schedule.  Just talking about it doesn't make it seem like a big deal, but then, you can't see it through my eyes.  My eyes have a blurred sense of memory, when I look at Gracie I can still see that frightened 15 month old baby.  That 15 month old who could not walk, could not crawl, and could barely sit up on her own.  I see that 15 month old peanut of a child who would scoot on her butt to try and get around the room.  I see that 15 month old who was way behind the curve in her gross motor skills and her fine motor skills as well. I also see that 2-1/2 year old who would stagger and fall down when she tried to walk too fast.  I see the little girl whose limbs would stiffin up to look like a mannequin when she tried to run.  I see that 5 year old who tried and tried and tried to learn how to ride a bike, but balance was a concept that she just didn't have the muscles for.  My eyes remember the little girl who doubts herself and always questions if she can.  My eyes remember the little girl who is so personable one moment and painfully and awkwardly shy the next, so loving with someone and then so reserved and introverted the very next second.  My eyes remember all of these things with great clarity.  Every bit of this is only a distant memory when Gracie is on the tumble floor or in front of the crowd in her cheer uniform !!  In this setting she is powerful, she is graceful, she is self confident and a warrior willing to challenge the world.  I have watched her little flower bud and head into full bloom on the tumble floor.  My little 15 month old frightened child is now doing round-off back hand springs alone on the floor.  She still struggles on the floor, but the power and effort are there, its just refining her technique.  She does them beautifully on the tramp, and if she does them into the pit ( soft squishy landing area ) she almost flies.  I don't pretend to think she is perfect, I don't think she does the best round off back handspring in the world, yes, I admit other kids do them too and some might have better technique, BUT, every pass she takes across the floor is a perfect pass to me.  It's perfect to me because I see what they do to her soul !!  I see the confidence build up in her spirit, I see the pride in herself grow with each success, I have  seen what was her frail little body gain strength and power that 6 years ago I couldn't have even imagined. 

Not all that long ago Gracie was still working on the back hand spring going into the pit.  During the time the kids would do their running tumbling, Gracie would line up to practice on the tramp into the pit.  Finally, after many many many months of this, she graduated to practicing on the floor.  She was just beaming with pride when she got moved.  We have paid for a few private lessons as well, she gets to spend a half hour with her favorite coach ( the owners daughter) and gets individualized attention and lessons.  She gets so excited about her private lessons you would think we bought her a puppy or something.  I think she knows just how much progress she makes when she gets to do this.  She goes full out the whole half hour.  You wouldn't think a half hour of anything would wear out a  7 year old, but let me tell you, a half hour private lesson with the TNT staff will wear anybody out.  I need a nap just watching her.

So, if you see me sitting up on the observation deck watching my girl tumble around the room, you might now have some idea why I am smiling so much.  If you look too closely, you might see just a bit of moisture in my eyes once in a while.  If you do, don't worry, all is well, I am just seeing two Gracie's with my blurry double vision memory.  I see both the frightened frail 15 month old and the powerful, self confident blossoming 7 year old athlete at the same time in my eyes.

Morning

Morning people..... this morning was one of those mornings. Let me give you a peek into my brain today. ( fear not, I will keep it PG-13 )

4:45 AM : alarm goes off. I have two alarms set, my cell phone and a radio alarm clock. This is the radio playing something brain damaging from the 80's. I awake , song is instantly stuck in my head. I think to myself, this is going to be a good day, I am wide awake without struggling so I will hit snooze, take a few good deep breaths to get the oxygen going and turn off the alarm. I can't see the clock so I reach for what I think is the right button and just keep pushing until the sound dies. There, now I will get up.

5:00 AM : Cell phone alarm goes off, and wakes me up. Oupps. I fell back asleep somehow. Well, that is why I use multiple alarms. Well, lets do this again, deep breaths to get oxygen going, in .... out........in.........out........in...........out.............................in....................................out....

5:10 AM : Cell phone alarm goes off, and wakes me up, AGAIN. Dang, I thought I got up last time. I squeeze the life out of the cell phone until that stupid ring tone stops. This time I sit up. Well, this is the time I actually need to get up so all is well. Gracie has crawled in bed during the night and is pressed against me. Echo, our dog, follows Gracie everywhere so she is next to me as well. The bed is so warm and snugly. But I am sitting up, so it is time to get up.

5:20 AM : Cell phone alarm goes off again, and wakes me up, again. Now wait just a minute here, I was sitting up, how did I get back under the covers? (deep sigh ) I was awake and jolly at 4:45 now I am crossed eyed, sleepy, and running behind. Uhgggg. I stand up, surely I can't sleep standing up.

I put on my work shirt and pull up my work pants, shove my cell phone in my pocket and grab a pair of socks. I stagger into the bathroom for the obligatory morning sink the sailor session. ( for those unfamiliar with that phrase, it means to engage in the morning pee while the toilet is in the middle of a flush. Its much more fun to pee into spinning water while humming ' yo ho ho its a pirates life for me')

Now while I was singing and peeing, I managed to drop my socks in the sink. Why the sink still had a little water in it I don't know, but just let me tell you, I hate putting on socks only to find out they are wet in spots. ICKY. Now, the next thing that needs accomplished, after the pee, is to zip and button the work pants. This is more of an adventure than it needed to be, allow me to elaborate.

Every once in a while you go to zip up your pants only to find that somehow the zipper had turned itself straight down and gotten wedged in the bottom of the opening. Best case scenario, you have to engage in that awkward fishing maneuver to attempt to wiggle out the top of the zipper so you can zip your pants, worse case......... pliers. I managed to get the zipper unstuck. All is well, right? No, now I must button my pants. Inhale, squeeze button through hole, exhale, duck. Why duck you ask? Duck because when I exhaled, my button flew off the pants, bounced around in the dark. The splash at the end told me of the final resting place of the button. (Yo ho ho, its a pirates life for me. )

Well 5:25 AM and I have to change pants. I am almost able to focus now, pants off, pants on. ( You should have heard that said in the voice of Miyagi ) Zipper works this time, button works as well. As I walk down the stairs I am able to smooth out my now wadded up boxers and flatten the legs as well as remove them from their curled up my crack position. I accomplish this as I am going down the steps ( master of multitasking am I. ( you should have heard that in the voice of Yoda )). I notice now that my socks are still wet. Why did I not change socks when I changed pants? How easy would socks off, socks on have been ? ( Miyagi again ) I don't know but its 5:27 AM now so wet socks will dry.

Shoes on, accoutrement's collected, teeth brushed and in car by 5:31 AM.

I open garage door, look to make sure its open and all the way up, back out, watch door close. beep beep..... whats that? My cell phone just beeped to tell me something, but what !! Oh, I left my blue tooth in the house. Garage door open, garage door closed. ( Miyagi again )

Finally I am on the way.

I love to drive on wet roads when its no longer raining.

Why ?

Puddles. Rain makes puddles, I love the sound of tires splashing puddled water. Bonus points for soaking an early morning jogger.

Yo ho ho its a pirates life for me........

sing it with me......

Yo ho ho its a pirates life for me, yo ho ho even a pirate has to pee......

Utopia.

Time to build Utopia.

I want to build the perfect world. A world were everything is fair, nobody has any issues, nobody has any cares, and nobody has any problems. A place were life is beautiful all the time. A place of calm rest and when someone talks someone else listens and doesn't interrupt them. A place of intellectual growth without the stress of competition. Some would call this magical and imaginary place Utopia, but I shall call in Myland since it is mine after all.

First, in order to build Myland, I shall appoint myself King and head of construction, rules, and governance.

Rule number one. The first thing that seems to keep people from being happy and beautiful is a perceived lack. Usually a perceived lack of money. To avoid this, I shall outlaw being poor. From this point forward in Myland, no one is permitted to be poor, as said by decree of the King of Myland. There, problem solved, we don't have the poor around anymore so we don't have to feel guilty. Feeling guilty makes us not feel beautiful so we can't have that. The poor often feel jealous, and feeling jealous makes them not feel beautiful, again , problem solved. The poor also often feel sad, depressed, overlooked, and forgotten. I have cured all these ailments and made them happy and beautiful again by outlawing poverty. Never again shall the poor want , for want is banished as is being poor.

Rule number two: Something else that seems to cause many people sadness is the disparity between weekdays and weekends. Weekends are so short and they end with something called Monday. By decree of the King, there will be no more Mondays. Logically this is a problem because then the sadness, grumpiness and ire for Monday will just be juxtaposed upon Tuesday and thus accomplish nothing but transiency. Therefore I , the King and benevolent ruler of Myland will banish all the days of the week. We will have no more weekdays, no more days, time will become fluid and not broken into time frames that my people , the Mylanders, do not enjoy fully. Since there is no separation between weekday and weekend, workdays will exist only at our convenience and can separated by as much or as little time as the worker sees fit.

Rule number three : This is the Mr. Obvious Rule. Since I am the sole King, I am also the sole governor and thus the only government. People don't like politicians, they are not beautiful people who make the rest of us enjoy our beautiful lives. They are unnecessary in Myland and thus by default, there are no more politicians. Without politicians, we have no election and therefore no annoying political adds. This condition alone increases the happiness quotient in Myland. There is no bickering about left or right, only joyful Utopian moderation.

Rule number four : One other great source of ugliness is fairness. It would appear that life does not treat all people the same and that is not fair. Everyone wants everything to be fair, and well, it would only be fair if life worked that way, right? So, I decree the Myland Fairness policy of this and all generations here to forth. By rule of me, I declare and ordain that all things are fair and unfairness is abolished, banned, and ruled out of order and illegal. My kingdom shall have no unfairness. To enforce this rule, anytime unfairness is spotted, it must be rendered and put asunder and replaced with fairness immediately. Fair is to be defined by all parties involved in the activity or action or circumstance that was called to question as unfair. Transferring from proclaimed unfairness to fairness must happen immediately if not sooner, post haste.

Rule number 5: In order to really be joyous, beautiful, and full of much joyness, all things must be accessible to all people. This will eliminate coveting, jealousy, greed, ambition, and lust. In order to do this, we must share all things equally. Everything except my sole power to rule over Myland of course, somebody has to be in charge, right. This will create some obvious logistical problems, but they can be solved by rule number 4. I realize that my socks might not fit your feet, but you're welcome to share them with me anyway, that would only be fair. This of course means we will have new definitions of relationships too. It is hard to be monogamous and share at the same time, but we all must share so therefore there will really be no more marriages. Since we will be sharing kids as well, the family unit will need to be redefined a bit too. Now, keep in mind rule number 4, it would not be fair for all of us to share our kids with the same person at the same time. That would not be fair to them to have so many kids all of the sudden.

Rule number 6 : As king I decree there shall be no gallivanting around. Why, because I said so, I just don't like gallivanting around. Its unbecoming. All that hem hawing , messin' and gaumin'. I don't want none of that.

Rule number 7: After putting more thought into this, it seems what causes the most ugliness in the world is the perceived differences between its people. I have set out to remove the ugly and only leave the beautiful. I have made it illegal to be poor, or rich. I have made it impossible to be jealous or greedy. I have made it so everything is fair. I don't think this solves all the problems in heading towards perfection. In order to be happy, I am afraid that people cannot be allowed to see any difference between themselves and other people. One simple way to abolish racism forever is to make everyone blind. So, I as King so do now ordain that everyone must close their eyes and keep them closed for at least two generations. After two generations have passed, perhaps we will be able to see one another without preconceived notions of worth.

Rule number 8 : Lastly, I declare that there will be the addition of a national holiday. The Myland let it B day. On this day we will celebrate all things that begin with the letter B. Boogers, will be hung on windows in glorious celebration. Body odor is an expected tradition on this special day. Beards will go unshaven for weeks prior. Beer will be drank with friends, in moderation of course. Beanies will be worn on our heads as traditional dress. The kids will celebrate an imaginary character named Bailiwig who sneaks in the Basement to deliver Baked goods left in Ball caps that are left on the Banister. Good kids get Bagels and Bavarian cream filled Bon Bons, bad kid get Baked Beans and Biscuits. Remember kids, Bailiwig is watching so you had better Behave............