Normal Chaos: October 2011

Before we begin, let me make a few points crystal clear. I am talking about men in this post even though I will spend a good deal of time discussing women. ( clear as mud, I know ) Also, before I go railing on the bad behavior of my gender in general, I want to point out that I am not now nor have I ever been immune to the behaviors/situations I am going to discuss. I am not 'tooting my own horn' at any time. Just because I am discussing the disgusting in third person, does not mean I am not guilty in the first person. As an added caveat, for my feminist friends, read slowly, I am not bashing or blaming women for anything ! Let us begin.

On the sixth day God created man, and we have been messing everything up ever since.

First I want to point towards a well known, well researched, and well publicized issue concerning women. I will call it the Barbie syndrome. There was a time , not so long ago, when Barbie was being attacked on a regular basis. She was being attacked by women's groups, government watchdogs and the like. What was the issue? If you somehow managed to miss this, Barbie can and does have negative effects on the self esteem and self body image of young girls. They play with Barbie, they try to emulate Barbie, but they can never BE Barbie. Barbie is an unattainable standard. Barbie has taken the heat off and on through the years as being a driving force behind bulimia and anorexia, as well as behind a growing obesity issue and some connections to young suicides. Barbie has been a bad bad girl over the years. While personally I find the issue just a bit overstated, I will acknowledge that for some reasonable percentage of young girls, this Barbie syndrome does begin to have a negative effect on their potential development. I think other factors are required for this to get out of hand , parenting, poor school environments, and other issues play their parts as well. The reason I wanted to point out this small piece of trivia about the self esteem and body image of women, is because it leaves boys/men out of the scenario all together. Or said another way, Barbie is a commercial, cultural icon that is causing potential damage to girls, but it is just one icon. How many icons are effecting the self esteem and body image of boys? Does Barbie not effect boys too? ( using the term Barbie here to mean cultural icon, not necessarily the actual doll )

The little snippet that brought this to the forefront of my mind the other day was an interview with an author who pointed out some interesting gender facts. Did you know that 62% of the people in college are FEMALE? That is correct, females now outnumber males in college attendance and have a higher rate (%) of graduation from college as well. Women have invaded the campuses in record numbers during this generation. An increase in the number of women attending college is in no way a negative thing. The doors of higher education have been swung wide open for women for a good long while now, but it is in this generation that women have fully embraced their potential. They are women, hear them roar ! The negative arrives when you look a little deeper. The population is roughly evenly divided along gender lines, meaning there are about the same number of men as women. So, in a totally even scenario, college campuses should be roughly evenly divided as well. In generations past, when women were not encouraged to attend college, the numbers would be understandable askew. In this generation of gender equality, one would expect the numbers to be approximately even, logically anyway. They are in no way even, 62% women and the trend is growing ! Again, the point of this is not to undermine women, or wish less women went to college, the underlying question is this... WHERE DID ALL THE MEN GO??

Viewpoint number one, we, the men of this generation, men in this culture of America, we are victims. Yes, I said it, we are victims !! We have been overlooked, overburdened, and entirely too much has been asked of us. We have been crushed under the pressure of the world. Too many unrealistic expectation have been thrust upon us. Women might have grown up under the unrealistic expectations of the Barbie syndrome, but what have we been subjected too? What figures have been placed before us boys to emulate, and expectations to be like? Who are the roll models for boys? We are handed $10 million dollar a year quarterbacks. ( with issues )

Michael Vick

We are handed billionaire moguls , street savvy politicians, ultimate warriors like GI -Joe and white knights who always come to save the day.

Talk about body image issues !! We men are given icons to chase after like the Old Spice Guy. Look away, now back again...... Diamonds !!

While we chase after the ideal of being the man your man could smell like, in reality, what we see ourselves as is this :

We men have crumbled under the expectations. Women have reacted to Barbie syndrome ( and other cultural stimuli ) by becoming more aggressive, aggressive to the point of self destruction in some cases. Women have gotten on the diet fads, women have joined the ranks of workaholics in massive number. Women have entered the world of cut throat ambition full steam ahead. Men on the other hand, we have reacted differently as a whole. We have looked at the expectations and thrown our collective hands in the air and walked away. We have said uncle, tapped out, given up. We have crawled inside our x-box fantasy worlds and are just waiting for the real world to pass us by. We have lost sight of what is important. We men have by and large succumbed to the pressure and simply entered a state of total denial.. Men are hesitant to take responsibility for anything anymore. All one need do to confirm my theory is to take a quick glance at our leaders. How many years, how long can politicians in Washington simply blame it on the other guy ! ( Read that, its Bush's fault, its the Tea Party's fault, its my oppositions fault ) When will they take responsibility for their own actions or lack there of ?? Never is the cultural norm, and because its the cultural norm, people believe it.

Men are avoiding being fathers, and completely avoiding being dads !! Men are becoming lousy husbands in record numbers. The employed male head of household scenario is no longer the expectation in our culture. Again, I have no issue with women working, I get the women are equal thing . Fatherhood suffers from the same issues that has destroyed our body image and our financial head of household motivation. That enemy would be cultural roll models !! The media is to blame in some small part, but the media only survives on what the society wishes to view !! We must understand that, if we stop watching Sex in the City and Jersey Girls, that garbage will go away !

Okay men, I am done with the self flogging for now ! Now, I am issuing a call to action to all of us. As men do, I am going to form a plan of action. We will bypass the meeting, we will bypass the reading of the minutes , we will bypass all of the perfunctory who ha that is contained in our club. I am here by to forth temporarily suspending all 'man cards' until further notice. I am taking this action unilaterally. To regain your membership in manhood, please consider the following:

Men, it is time we put our culture aside and looked to a more relevant source for our roll models. It is time we took a good look at who we are and who we are meant to be. I propose, men, that we attempt to adhere to the original biblical model instead of the American cultural model of what it means to be men, husbands and fathers. Even those of you my friends who are not Christians will find the following sensible, logical, and you will find that it will work.

Here we go.....

Men...... these are the critical things.....

Work. Men, you must work. It wasn't long after God created us that he gave us a job, we were to 'tend' the garden. It wasn't till the fall that the tend changed to 'toil'. Either way, we were made to work and work we must. Work doesn't even always mean be employed but when its time to make the donuts, make the donuts. Employed is good, employed is productive, but some good men are not employed, all good men need to work! We can work around the house, we can work in the community, we can work as a volunteer. We can work on relationships, we can work on becoming better men, we can work on becoming better read and more well rounded individuals. The definition of work I am using here is : to put concerted and continued effort into something that is productive and beneficial. In other words, improving you bowling game, your beer bong skills, and your Angry Birds score do not count as work !
Love. Love is a many splenderd thing, or something like that. Love means a lot of different things depending on what we are talking about and who we are talking about. Let us first address our wives. From Ephesians 5..²⁵ "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" Now, what exactly does that mean? It means what it says. Give yourself up for her, make sacrifices without whining like a spoiled little girl. Put her first and your own wants and yes even needs second to hers. Consider her feelings ( ugh, I know , I know ) before your own. Consider her happiness before your own. Work ( see above ) towards providing for her without regard for yourself. Love in itself is work, we must decide to do it, put forth effort into it, and the result is productive. What should that look like in terms of a modern American man? Well, lets start by cleaning up the kitchen once in a while, load the dishwasher and clean off the counters without being asked. Do this even though you would rather be on Facebook or watching the big game. Yes, yes I know she will fuss that you didn't do it right, they all do, but do it anyway because if you don't your not putting forth effort and showing love, if you do, your just incompetent, which is at least excusable. Then, clean the toilet. Again, do your best, you will not do it perfectly, but usually this job is one we men can do and not get told we did it wrong. Every so often, send her out, give her some cash , some freedom, and some girl time. You stay home and work on perfecting the toilet, laundry, and dishwasher skills while she hangs out with the girls. We men like to do this, it is good for our wives to spend some time with their girlfriends too. They are going to do this anyway, it works out much nicer for us if they are happy with us during this time, otherwise they will just spend their time sharing and comparing our imperfections. In terms of loving our children, sorry men, their needs and wants also come before ours. The most important thing I can stress here is we need to clearly and frequently tell our children we love them, and then show them that they are loved. I cannot be clear enough here. Our children should never question for a moment that we men will move heaven and earth for them. They need to know that whether they are 3 or 30, we will be there for them. The love of a child is unconditional. Love one another. This one is simple. Treat each person in your life with kindness and respect. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Be a Father. Men, this is one area among many were we are pitifully lacking. Fathers lead, guide, teach, discipline, and mentor their children. Fathers raise their children up in the way they ought to go, so they will not depart from it. A father is always aware of what their child is doing, what they are thinking, and what they are going thru. They always know, because they are involved. Fathers don't experience their children as an afterthought, but experience them as a purpose. Fatherhood is a job, something that we work at. Many a man has given up the father roll because they feel they cant do it. Here is a clue for those men, nobody is perfect, we all struggle, doing it wrong isn't the greatest sin, walking away is. Most adults can look back at our parents and identify tons of errors our parents made, but we will keep the errors if the exchange is for apathy and absence. Fathers, stay in your kids lives, no matter what. Make the effort, swim upstream , have courage, unrelenting effort should be the norm.. What is at stake is the next generation, and without good example, generations after that as well. Men, it is our responsibility to be take the person whom we helped to create and mold them into a human being better than ourselves. It is no small task, but it is a priceless endeavour worthy of all our passion and energy.
Be a dad. Notice that I am calling dad and father two different things gentlemen. Its a dad who spends time having imaginary tea with his daughter and playing hide and seek with his son. It's a dad who splatters water all over the bathroom making bath time so much fun. Its a dad who stays up late putting the bicycle together, staying up until the job is done. A dad takes his kid out for dinner, just the two of them together. Its a dad who runs and runs and runs trying to keep the kite afloat when there is no wind in the weather. A dad has no lecture of I told you so, he just puts his arm around his child and says, " yes, I know ". Dads are very different creatures than fathers are, even though they both inhabit the same body. It is important for a child to have both a father and a dad. Men, stand up, be fathers and be dads.
Invest. No, I don't mean in your 401K, nor do I mean in Apple Stock. That is not the kind of investment I am talking about. Men, invest in your spouse, your mate, your love, invest in her. Talk with her, trust her deeply, keep no secrets. Find so way of letting her know on a regular basis just how you feel about her. There is an old saying about having some skin in the game. The chicken has a stake in breakfast but the pig is invested, all in. I cant resist the humorous irony here, but men, we need to be pigs on this one. Go all in with your spouse !! Invest also in your children. On a personal note, I have noticed the lack of men who show up for cheer practice with their daughters. I have noticed a lack of testosterone at tumbling class as well. Sure there are a few of us guys around, and there are always legit reasons for one parent doing something without the need of the other, but all in all, its oh so obvious that there are a lack of guys at the girly stuff. Men, pay attention, your daughter will notice if you care enough to invest the time to watch her practice, to watch her work, to watch her achieve. There is something sad and hollow about reaching a milestone, or doing something perfectly for the first time, and your dad doesn't see it. Sure its great that mom did, if mom did, but why is mom the only one ever there? Men, your daughter is your child too, you cant be everywhere, you cant do everything, don't even try, but you can invest all you have. Like in finance, choose your investments wisely. Your daughters practice, even though its just practice, still trumps a night with the boys or a round of golf. Invest in your community as well. The people around you, family or not, will take note of what you invest your time in. If you invest in church, raising money for cancer research, or volunteering to work at a shelter, your choices do not go unnoticed.
Accept your roll as pastor. You are the pastor in your house. You are the one whose job it is to lead the family in spiritual matters. As pastor , you are king of your kingdom. Beware the difference between the good King and the bad king. You are not a totalitarian king like a Castro, you are to be a benevolent king like Jesus. Sacrifice for your subjects, lead by example, do right so that others know what right is. Pray with your family, pray for your family....... the family that prays together stays together.
Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Enough said !!
Respect your fellow man. Men, we sometimes find ourselves at the gas pump, filling up on not just gasoline, but also filling up on judgements and jealousies. Stop doing that. Respect your fellow man, do not envy them, do not judge or despise them. See that guy with duct tap window , standing there filling up his hoopty and wearing torn and dirty clothes, drinking a 40 out of a paper bag? You see that guy right !! You sir, are not one little bit any better than him. You would not have survived half what he has been through. If he looks at you, smile, say hello, be kind, do not judge. See that guy with the convertible Maserati over there? Yeah, the guy with 3 babes, one whispering in his ear, one pumping his gas and the third cleaning his windshield with her..... well, you see him right? That guy, is not as lucky as you, he's no better than you. Don't be jealous of him, life's to short to envy.

Now, I am going to take a page from the media on this one an end this segment on a visual note. If it works in advertising and media outlet, maybe pictorials will work for me too.