Its a guy thing.

The title has a meaning, ladies, please feel free to turn away. Perhaps you might be better off skipping this post and just reading the next one about Gracie being creative and cute. Its not that your not welcome here this time, its just that you wont understand. (Ruth, you might want to read it with one eye closed so you can share it with your hubby)

First, observe the above pictures. Your average guy already knows what is about to happen and he is cringing, but will read it anyway. As is apropos for me, I will now tell you a tale in which I will use a 1000 words. The same tale could be told in one sentence but that sentence would be one full of lexicon not appropriate for public consumption and could make a sailor faint with blush. But, I digress. On with the saga.

Thursday afternoon I was preparing a rather large shaft for shipment upstate. This shaft was 72 inches long and weighed in at about 400 lbs. I needed to secure it to a long skinny pallet so the over the road trucking company would transport the item for us. If you don't know what a pallet looks like, please observe a standard shipping pallet in photo number one. The shaft in question needed a little mending and strengthening up because of the length and weight of the shaft. I needed to secure a few extra boards to the top of the skid so it could be transported safely and securely. I work in a machine shop so I had to rummage around and find the tools and supplies I needed since I was working with wood and not the usual metal forming that we normally do. I was able to turn up a few 3" long heavy finishing nails that would work nicely to attach some extra top boards to my pallet. A little on the large side, but a big nail is better than a small nail, right? After finding this prize I needed a hammer. Well, this is a machine shop so how hard could it be to find a hammer? Trick with this is that nails are meant to be used with a claw hammer. We have sledge hammers, too big and awkward, dead blow hammers, too soft on the face for a nail, lead hammers, same problem, but alas we have ball peen hammers. The only issue with a ball peen is that the face is slightly domed and meant to strike objects, not nails. Well, being the skilled (if not smart) man that I am, I have driven many a nail with a ball peen. You bend a few, but it'll due in a pinch, and I was in a pinch. Now I drive the first 5 nails in with no problem, only bend one. I need to attach one more side of one more top board and we will have a shippable pallet. I bend this nail.

Then I try again, must have hit a knot in the hardwood.

I bend this nail as well.

I try again, new spot, must be a big knot.

Now, here I need to paint you a picture with words so try to picture this in your mind. (any ladies still reading, its okay, its just not something your gonna get) Okay, here goes.

Now, only one nail left so I need to make sure I get it right this time. I get down on my left knee. I bend my right leg up and place my right foot on the pallet rail just about 6 inches to the right of wear I am driving the nail. Far enough away that I cant miss or glance off and hit my foot or ankle. This position provides me with good leverage and a stable platform to drive that last nail. I place the nail in the wood and tap it several times with my 5 pound ball peen hammer to get it started. It sinks nicely down in the wood and I am confident I have made it through this time. I have about half an inch in and only two and a half more inches to sink into this baby. I now place my left hand on the skid to provide more stability and leverage. As I lean over I am able to apply more controlled force on the top of the nail and drive it deeper home. Problem, the nail has stopped moving. Perhaps I need a little more effort on the next swing.

This next swing, which incidentally was the last swing, placed the nail a full 12 feet directly off to my right. Straight out from my right arm. Well, if you constructed your visual correctly you are now wondering how a nail can get 12 feet off to my right side. Wouldn't it have to go through your leg to get there. One might think so, but no. If the nail went forward, it would land in front of me, to my left it would land to my left, to my right it would hit my leg and bounce someplace else, but not my right. If the nail comes towards me however, it should land either behind me, or bounce off my chest and stay in front of me. This little lesson in the laws of physics leaves one option out however. The nail could take a low enough trajectory to bounce itself off my right testicle and then propel itself a full 12 feet, ON THE RICOCHET, off to my right side.

Yes my brothers, I bounced a nail off one of the boys and it flew 12 feet afterwords. I immediately took comfort in laying on the cold concrete floor, full fetal position, while trying to clear the fluid that mysteriously appeared and removed any hope of clear vision. I must admit to cradling my eggs expecting to find a life threatening bleeder, but nope, the projectile did not pierce the polyester. Saved by Cintas slacks and Grinch boxers. A few moments later I was able to return to a kneeling position and plead with Elvis to stay in the building for a little while longer.

Men, something you may want to know about this experience. Most of us know that when we have one of the twins grazed, we have a few long moments to prepare for that dull thudding ache that we know is approaching. We know the boys are about to head north to the abdomen and hide for a while causing us some discomfort. When we get that crush or thud impact, we know we have a moment or two, usually not two, to prepare for them to run clear up to our esophagus causing that oh so uncomfortable feeling. Getting nailed, with a nail no less, with a rapid moving pointy thing in our favorite marble, does not give you that moment of warning. Just so you know.

And by the way men. It is oh so prudent to make sure you have the right tool for the job. The boys downstairs are counting on you.