Word nonsense

Dear friends of Chaos, I requested that you all, (ya'll) donate some words to me and I would endeavor to generate a story based on the words you provided. Immediatly below this introduction is the list of words that you brought forth, and below the list I will spin a tale attempting to use them all. As is typical of stories from me, parts will be absolute truth, parts will be approximate truth, and parts will be absolute fiction. As is common of my life, I doubt you can tell the difference. Thank you to Mrs. Lois, Mrs. Beth, Mrs. Ruth, Mrs. Joy, Mrs. Peggy, and the one and only Mr. Pastor Charlie Tuna for your kind donations, and thank you to my wife for her words as well, and allowing me the time to write this nonsense. Just a reminder of the real, Fritz is the name of a dog who is staying with us temporarily while his owners are away in South Korea, he is real. If you have followed any of my rantings about the adventures of Tickle and Fritz, you have already been introduced to this canine. Some of what I write below will have him in it. Shall we all jump off the cliff together now?



1. Tree
2. Cheerleader
3. Mini van...
4. Pizza
5. Sloth

1. Flap
2. Push
3. Chew
4. Doodle
5. Puke

1. sparkly
2. vivacious
3. bitter
4. antique
5. colorful


1. Cantankerous
2. Sputtery
3. Clandestine
4. Chary


1. Netherlands
2. Uranus
3. Intercourse, Pennsylvania

spit

giggle

flounce

observe

jostle

Shortly

Avidly

Triumphantly

suspiciously

courageously

biscuit

albatross

teak deck

arc welder

heffalump

As I was coming home from the office this Sunday afternoon, I was driving down the highway looking forward to getting home and resting a bit, watch some football, play with my daughter, you know the usual kind of stuff. I changed lanes into the fast lane, carefully as always, and nothing was behind me for miles in either lane. Then, only moments later, I look into my rear view mirror to observe a strange sight. A large jolly man, with a beard and sparkly eyes was coming up fast, much to my surprise. Santa was tailgating me in the fast lane, on a Kawasaki Ninja, his hurry was plain. I quickly got over, to get out of his path, surely I did not want to acquire St. Nicks obvious wrath. That cantankerous old coot blew right on past, but I nearly spit out my chew as he flipped me the bird and stomped on the gas. I was astonished at his boldness and his bad demeanor, so I put the peddle to the metal to catch up to this wiener. As luck would have it, the next light was red, I rolled down my window and yelled, " what has got in your head?" As his large jolly countenance got off of his bike, he stuck his face in my window and said,

" Heffalumps and woosles, save the cheerleader, save the world"

I thought to myself, old St. Nick has gone mad.

I looked at him suspiciously as I thought what I could say, I was just sure I wanted to get out of his way. Courageously I thought what thoughts I could think, but surely, oh surely every thought did just stink. I though maybe just maybe I could fool the old cad and spout off something that was equally as mad, so I said.

"Thou hast gotten to be'th more chary about driving, thou carriage has runneth a foul of plain logic"

He looked at me triumphantly and gave me hug, and said to me clearly as he squished me like a bug.

"Alas I have found ye' in the oddest of places"

I was not expecting him to answer me, let alone I was now wondering why we are both speaking in the Kings English. Once I recovered from this man hug I was given, I informed him that he must indeed be mistaken.

" I knoweth not ye, so please go away, Ye have mistaketh me for another bloke on this day."

Santa looked at me all confused and befuddled, but he spoke again, much to my chagrin.

" I knoweth ye, if you knoweth me not, ye are the one to get us out of this spot"

"What spot is this, what spot do you speaketh of? I knoweth not of this plot, or this spot"

"I speaketh the truth, it is ye who must hurry, Fritz the French spy is loose and a worry"

"Fritz the French spy, tell me more, tell me why"

"He hath escapeth from his place of confinement, he is loose and in hiding, it is you who must find him"

" I have'th not a skill that may lend itself to this mission, I have'th nothing to offer to alleviate this tension"

" Ye brethren ye forget who ye are, ye are the father of a daughter and that will take ye far"

As I pondered and pondered what this St. had told me I remembered that is true that I have super powers, I am a Ninja, a plumber, and a fixer of things, a healer, a mender, and a buyer of blings. I am a father, and therefore can do all things.

" I accept ye mission to find the one called Fritz, tell me more my brethren big man, where do I start."

He gave me wink ( which was kind of creepy) and pointed towards the east. With a wink of his eye and his thumb up his nose, the light turned green,

He hit the gas and was gone.

So now I have a mission to find some spy named Fritz, who is supposedly off to the east of me. Not even knowing what Fritz looks like, I first go to my local library and sit down to do my homework. I find a picture and am shocked to find out that Fritz is a spy, and he is a dog. He is known by a few aliases, In the Dakota's he goes by his Indian name, Walks When He Pees. I am glad that he is east of me when I found this out. He also goes by his flower child name when in California, Fritzy Boo, but again, I am looking east. I learn more and more about his colorful personality as I dug into the research. Finally I find a useful clue, he was last seen in a small Amish village in Pennsylvania. A place called Intercourse Pennsylvania. So I hopped in my rented minivan and off I go, Super Plumber Ninja dad is off to Intercourse. Since I had a long drive to get there I had some time to think about Fritz. How does a little dog, who bears a strong resemblance to a sloth, gain such a vivacious reputation as an international spy? As I drove the many hard miles on my way to Intercourse I kept playing the stories over and over in my head of Fritz's cat like reflexes, his savvy demeanor, his many clandestine encounters ending in chaos. I found myself asking what have I gotten myself into. Finally I arrived in Intercourse and found myself immediately in a traffic jam of bearded men in buggies. Something else seemed clear to me as I could hear the din of the men chatting back and forth to their horses. Santa on a Ninja was really just a renegade Amish guy, that's why he seemed to acknowledge and speak the Kings English even though I spoke to him in jest. I now needed to find the man who last saw Fritz, his name is Romeo. Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo? Over yonder in ye field was the answer that was spoketh to me. Friendly folk these Amish gents. I found ol' Romeo and presented him with a picture of Fritz and inquired if he knew anything of his whereabouts. In a sputtery and angry voice Romeo answered me, " Arrh, that scallywag plum gots away from me a fortnight past. I threatened to run him through for making eye at me daughter, arrrh. He run off with the local beer wench from the next town over." I started to ask Romeo why he was talking like a pirate when the rest of the Amish folk around these parts seemed to prefer the Kings English, but upon taking a look at the crazed glare of the albatross resting on his shoulder, I thought maybe I should just find that bar, I could use a cold one right about now.

I found a little hole in the wall bar just outside of Amish country, right on the border to be exact. I found it strange that both cars and buggies were parked, or hitched out front, but I got up the dander to walk in for a quick gander around. I took myself a seat on a bar stool near the end of the bar and a fine looking lass shortly came to take my order. I asked for a Strawberry Daiquiri, and the young lady did a giggle at me. She then informed me that I would have a biscuit and a beer like everyone else in the place. I was not in the mood to argue, but now that I had her attention I asked if she knew anything about a beer wench and a dog named Fritz. She shhhhssst me right up and drug me to a small room. She whispered into my startled ears that Inga had left with Fritz stowed away under the teak deck of a pirate ship bound for the Netherlands. With a jostle she shoved me out the back door, without my biscuit or my beer. Having no luck with Intercourse, I was now off to the Netherlands to continue my adventure in search of Fritz, maybe the Netherlands would be more engaging.

On the plane ride over it occurred to me that maybe Fritz was making a break for the Hague and was going to claim some kind of immunity. While pondering this ponder I also had to wonder exactly what was I going to do if I located Fritz, I mean, I was sent after him by a crazed Santa driving like a madman on his crotch rocket, who turned out to really be a renegade Amish guy who was ticked off that Fritz had stolen his shiny buttons. Super Plumber Ninja Dad was not afraid, but I was questioning my sanity as to why I would take on this mission. Sure, Fritz was a bad character, a first class terrorist whose primary method of destruction was the vile and deadly urine land mine and fecal grenade. Sure he was an international threat, but why me, oh well, I guess if I have come this far I might as well keep going.

Once arriving in Amsterdam I found my way to the nearest port to hang out and wait for something that looked like a pirate ship. I realized I hadn't eaten in days so I pulled up a chair at a safe looking harbor side pizza joint and ordered a lobster and anchovy pizza with extra cheese. I was still questioning what I was going to do when Fritz and his Wench arrived. I figured if push came to shove I could use my Ninja skills to capture him and then take him to the U.S embassy, surely they would handle it from there. I avidly watched and waited for hours for a antique looking ship to pull into the harbor, presumably flying the Jolly Roger.

Just as the sun was setting and the anchovies were making me want to puke I saw an old sailing ship pull up to the harbor. Surely this is the vessel that contains Fritz. Its an old pirate ship with a teak wood deck, how could it be anything else. I could hear the flap of its sails as it drew nearer to shore. (the suspense is killing ya isn't it?) The bitter taste of the sea was shown on the faces of the men who were walking the plank of this old boat. One after another they staggered off of her and seamed to drag themselves off into the distance. I began to worry as I saw neither a women or a dog exit the ship. I was aware that Fritz was a master of disguises, but he would have had to disguise himself as a tree to have snuck past me. Finally, finally, finally at last, I see something suspicious. I see a man dragging a large box with the words Arc Welder printed on the side. A box that is big enough to hide a dog and his bride. I approached this rogue who was dragging the box and asked him politely if I might look in it. I expected by now that he would either be Amish or a Pirate, or perhaps even an Amish Pirate, but the man looked at me and spoke perfect Brooklyn eaz. "Forget about it" was his answer.

I implored him to be compliant and threaten him with my robust parenting skills. He shrugged his shoulders and did a flounce with his heal, but he agreed to let me see inside the box. I told him he didn't really look like a welder to me and that the doodle on the side of the box was suspicious. We preyed open the box and just as I suspected. a stowaway. But, only one stowaway, a wench. I asked the beer wench what had happened to Fritz.

The young lady told me quit a tale of how the aliens had come and taken Fritz away. I asked her over and over where he was and all she would tell me was that the aliens had taken him home with them to Uranus. I am not going to go to Uranus to look for him and I have no further leads, so I must now end this sorted tale with Fritz still on the loose.

Friends of Chaos

Okay friends of my blog, I have a request.

I have been suffering from some writers block as of late. I haven't had as many cute Gracie stories to share, and without those I don't have much interesting in life to write about. I could bore you with stories about managing a machine shop and your eyes would glaze over in minutes. I could discuss the my family relations, my financial activities, or daily chores, but again, the yawning would deplete oxygen is left in the atmosphere.

The the holidays are upon us , sucking the life from us like a dead walrus laying across our chests, I would like to find something new to write about this holiday season.

I could write more stories about reindeer poop, Santa's crack habit, or the newest technology in urinal development. I could write more political commentary about what "change" we "hoped" for and what change we have left now. I could write some deep theological commentary about the Theology of the Cross vs. the Theology of Glory. I have a large repertoire of vomit stories I could share, but alas I will move on.

In moving on, I would like to break the staleness of my mind by providing myself with a challenge. I have done this once before and with your help created several foolish stories that were at least moderately entertaining, and good work outs for my creative brain.

Here is my request of my few faithful readers.

I would like each of you to take ONE part of speech and give me a list of 5 options. Clarifying a bit, I would like one of you to give me 5 nouns, someone else to give me 5 proper nouns, some one else to give me 5 verbs, and someone to give me 5 adjectives, etc. I will then take this random list of items, actions, conditions, and people and see what my slightly twisted mind can generate.

Oh, and one last thing, if your late to the party and somebody has already 'stolen' your part of speech, I am certainly willing to make this a mini series, so if you feel froggy you can give me 5 of each all on your own, and I will see what I can do............

Thanks for your input

Tickle has been found

Tickle has been found by our crack investigator Barney. Mr. Fife looked us straight in the eye and told us he has seen Tickle himself, as of yet nothing bad has happened too her. He said its a story you wouldn't believe.

Barney said:

My first lead took me to the Louvre in Pari'. I had to seek out and speak with an odd women. She wouldn't say anything, but she just kept grinning at me with the strangest little smile on her face. I continued to look for clues, and eventually I was led to ---

this guy. I asked him if he had any information about Tickle and he told me that he was gonna keep his big mouth shut......

Having exhausted my information in Pari' France, the alleged home to Fritz the counter to intelligence spy, code named 'walks when he pees'. I was left with only my second lead. This took me to a remote outpost in Kalamazoo Michigan. I was led to a man who said he was employed by a King. He said he used to be a King, but now he just worked for one. I questioned him for hours and hours. This 'former' King just kept speaking in riddles. I asked him if he knew Tickle, and the answer was, " He aint nothin' but a hound dog, rocking all the time" , I point out that Tickle was a she, but the 'former' King didn't seem to care. I asked if he knew where Tickle was, and he said, " Are you Lonesome tonight", and I said yes, I need to find Tickle. could you point me in a direction please. and he said" Aloha from Haw-a-ii", I said, I am fine, haw -a -you. Oh wait, your saying Tickle is in Hawaii, now I get it. What else can you tell me? He said," the King has a hunk a hunk a burnin love", so the King being his boss I proceeded to go find out what that meant.

Upon meeting the King, the boss of the one known as Elvis, I didn't want to know anymore about his hunk of burning anything, so I just moved on.


Upon my arrival in Hawaii I was led to mysterious figure who was the head of the super secret spy stuff. Dick Wilson, code name Mr. Whipple said he had information on Tickle and would share it for a price. I told him that was fine and for a few sawbucks he told me I needed to see one called the Governator. While I was listening to him I noticed that this odd little man had a roll of toilet paper on his desk, so just out of curiosity I picked it up. Mr. Wilson, immediately started jumping up and down screaming at the top of his voice to put it down put it down, don't squeeze Charmin, don't squeeze Charmin. I fled quickly with my bullet still in my left front shirt pocket even though I was in fear of my life from this madman. It wasn't till later that I discovered that Mr. Wilson and Mr. Whipple were really one schizophrenic person, and Mr. Whipple thought the roll of toilet paper was his imaginary friend and if you squeezed it you hurt his little friend. In spite of this mans obvious insanity I still sought out and met with the Governator.

The Governator turned out to be a code name as well. He introduced himself to me as Are- Nold. Mr. Nold and I spoke for some time, but alas he was speaking in riddles as well. He just kept on saying "I'll be back" . He did eventually tell me that I needed to speak to the Godfather. I said, " the Holy Father or the Pope?", and he said no, the Godfather. He said if I went to him on his daughters wedding day, which was tomorrow, I could make a request of him, so I did.

I explained everything to the Godfather, and we had a nice long chat while some guy name Tom was over in the corner listening and taking notes. Finally I made the request that he should tell me where I could find Tickle. To my surprise he dad only one statement and one fairly good answer. The Godfather said that he would do this thing for me, but one day he might call on me to do him a service. Sounded fair to me. He then gave me the name of a guy, a guy named Fred. He said that Fred would take me to the Middle Kingdom and escort me around his neighborhood. He said Fred would be my friend for a while and he would help me to locate Tickle. I asked if that meant Tickles location was actually known, he said it wasn't, but Tickle had left the land of the morning sun and arrived in the Middle Kingdom only a few weeks ago, so Fred could find her because this was his neighborhood.



So, I went and met Fred, who insisted that I call him Mr. Rogers for some reason. He said he wanted to be my friend and show me around his neighborhood. So off we went. After a few days of searching we started to find some clues.


Tickle had been spotted on Tienanmen Square overlooking the picture of Chairman Mao.

Then we discovered that Tickle had been seen in the Forbidden City so we went there quickly.

We actually caught a fleeting glimpse of Tickle for the first time in person. Tickle was pretending to be one of the stone dragons in the City to avoid being caught. I asked Mr. Rogers how we were going to get Tickle to allow us to find her if she was running from everyone. Mr. Rogers said that it was a simple matter, we just need to work with the children. The children are my friends and the like me. I asked how that would help and he said just to follow him.

Sure enough, it wasn't all that much longer before Mr. Rogers asked a group of kids if they knew where Tickle was hiding. The group just stood there like they were made of stone, all of them except one little girl. One little girl raised her hand and politely asked if Tickle was in trouble and needed help from the nice men. Mr. Rogers assured her that we were there to help Tickle. Once we covered all this, much to our surprise Tickle was standing fight behind the little girl.



Alas, Tickle was back in safe custody.

Tickle has since been placed in protective custody and will be kept on a high shelf until the time is appropriate to publicly reveal her whereabouts.

( Reality disclaimer, don't read the rest aloud: for those wanting the true story only. Tickle, the toy dog from McDonald's was in South Korea and has been either lost or misplaced. The toy was sent there with Gracie's sister Lia to keep her company while her real dog Fritz stays with us while she is away. I needed to find a new Tickle dog so that when Lia comes back from Korea the sisters can exchange Tickle back for Fritz. I purchased Tickle at an online collectibles website this morning and it should be arriving in two weeks. Tickle will be kept in a box in the garage until next June or July when Fritz's family comes home to get him. Oh the things we will do for our kids I guess.)