I just wanted to take a quick minute to share with you some of my ideas for saving your hard earned money. In these tough economic times, every penny counts and we all could use a little more disposable income. Do you remember that term, disposable income? That was the money that was left after bills and needs that you could ' dispose' . Now that money is called, ' economic stimulus'. Also notice that neither stimulating the economy or disposing of income translates well into saving for retirement, rainy days, or emergencies.
So, here are a few tips from the mind of me:
- Toilet paper is expensive when you get right down to it. We use a lot of it, and for what ( don't answer that ) it gets used one time and thrown away. Seems a waste to me, does it not. We even get upset if throwing it away doesn't work like its supposed to the first time, clogged drain and all that. Well people, we don't have much choice in this matter, not every home comes with a bode (SP?) , leaves and grass are not going to do the trick on a daily basis, so what are we to do? We can buy in bulk, size matters when it comes to pinching pennies. We can shop sales, use coupons, stock up when these stars align just so. In my infinite wisdom, I have a better suggestion, however. Don't poop at home. I mean think about it, in our culture of wealth redistribution it makes sense to have somebody else pay for the toilet paper. Do you have a job? If you do, wait till you get to work. It might take a little while to reschedule your body clock to feel the need during the beginning and the end of your work day, but once this has been done you can minimize this wasteful expense, at least in terms of spending your own dollar. Ever take road trips? You just cant drive hundreds of miles without finding that McDonald's has the cleanest and most convenient bathrooms around, and guess what, I bet there is one of those golden arches just up the street from you. Let them pay for your toilet paper.
- Speaking of McDonald's and other such fast food restaurants. Go take a look in your refrigerator at the condiment shelf, now go look in your pantry for such items as sugar, artificial sweeteners, coffee creamers, etc. Why are we buying these things when we can get them for free from these restaurants? We can accumulate a wide variety of ketchup, mustard, barbecue sauces and coffee creamers, not to mention sweet - n - low and equal, just by asking for or acquiring a few extra each time we are in one of these establishments. Heck, if you use the local Mickey-D's as your daily potty stop, you can have a plethora of condiments in no time. You might need to look around a while to find things like pickle relish, but Long John Silvers is a good source for free vinegar and tartar sauce. Is this stealing? No, its wealth redistribution, now that the corporate world is awash in bailout money supplied by our tax dollars, its really our stuff to begin with, right?
- Next we have another paper product waste. Why do we spend money on napkins and paper towels? These items are not required like toilet paper is, there are an abundance of suitable substitutes that cost little or nothing by comparison. Do we just need to have that handsome Brawny man in our cupboard to look at once in a while? What exactly is the deal with that anyway. Unless you frequently dine while naked, you have a sleeve or a shirt tail to wipe your mouth on, and pants to clean the grease off your hands. For you ladies who really don't want grease on your skirts, or you metro guys who are wearing white linen pants or silk cargo shorts, you can still use a dish cloth instead of paper. It works just fine, better for messy meals even, and you can toss it in the washer with the next load of towels.
- Speaking of washing machines, dryers and towels, there is another waste that can save you money. First off, when you get out of the shower, your body is clean, wet, but clean. Once you dry off, you usually toss the towel aside in a pile or hamper where it waits until it gets washed. Dear wives, I have a secret to tell you, the towel you used for your shower this morning, you husband re-used when he got home from work. Why? Well, its clean, and by now its dry, so why not. Washing it uses water and detergent, drying it uses electricity, both of which cost money, its a waste. You could do this too, one towel could last the two of you all week if you just keep hanging it up to dry. Imagine the savings of only washing one load of towels a month, instead of two a week. And as for dryer sheets, never never ever take them out of the dryer. Just keep re-using them. If you have 4 used dryer sheets in there, they will work better than one new one. You don't have to take them out of the dryer, they sneak out on their own and find their way into our socks and underwear, let them escape on their own.
- If your like me, you need to get up and go to the bathroom most every night in the middle of the night. A little money saving tip here, pee in the dark. Hey, it may only be two cents a year, but that's two cents you saved, you can buy two thoughts with that money.
- Grilling out is another one. Do you have a gas grill? If you do, I just bet that neighbor down the street from you does as well. You know the guy I am talking about, the one with the Lexus in the driveway and the Harley in the garage, he has a gas grill too. Keep your eye on his grill and when he gets a new tank, take your half empty tank down at night and switch it out. He will think the tanks just don't hold as much as they used to, and you can save yourself 20 bucks a pop every time you do this. Isn't that theft you say? NO no no, its just letting your neighbor stimulate the economy a little more by redistributing his wealth instead of your own. Don't get caught however, if he owns a Harley he just might whoop your behind if he sees you.
- My daughter Gracie informed me the other day that she needed some new bowls for her to eat cereal out of in the morning. I took her shopping and bought her the one she wanted. Why? Because she is spoiled rotten that's why. When I was a kid I had to wait till the butter was gone to get a new bowl. Heck, by the time a year had passed I had a twelve place matched set of bowls. I took them with me to college even. When I got married my wife tossed out my bowls. I have eaten soup and cereal in them for almost 20 years, and never had to buy a bowl, ever. You can do this as well, the small Land O Lakes bowls even make good relish trays, just fill one of those up with olives and your good to go.
- For reasons I don't understand, some people like to use paper plates. They especially like to use paper plates for casual dinning at home with items like pizza. The guy who delivered you pizza very thoughtfully brought it to you in a box. Why cant you just use the box lid like normal people huh? Just rip it right off there and wa-la free paper plate. Have three guests? Cut the box lid in four pieces, it works just fine. Well, some people use a knife to cut their pizza and this is difficult to do on 1/4 of a box lid. Stop being a commie and eat pizza like a red blooded American, you don't cut pizza, just grab a hunk and have at it. Stop wasting your money on paper products, save a tree, use the box lid.
- Believe it or not, water costs money. If you can learn to shave, shower, brush your teeth and pee at the same time, you can save real dollars every month. The trick to this one is that the shower cant take any longer than it did when you just showered and nothing else. Hot water not only costs water dollars, it costs gas dollars to heat it up as well.
- The last tip is simple, boycott Hallmark and American Greetings and any other card maker. Stop sending cards, those little pieces of folded paper with 12 rhythmic words you don't really mean printed on them can cost anyplace from 99 cents to 6 bucks each. Then you have to part with nearly two quarters to mail the stupid thing. The person who gets it just reads it once, says, "aw, how thoughtful" and then tosses into the garbage. Instead of the card, give them a call to say what you really mean, spend some time talking with them. They will get even more out of it, and you will save a bundle of jack in the process. Don't forget to call on nights or weekends when you have unlimited minutes, unless of course they are already in your network and then it doesn't matter.
Okay, last thing, start charging for your services. This will help increase your income. So, if you put any or all of these suggestions into practice and save money this year, I would like you to send me 10% of your savings. I mean it was my idea after all. Oh, if you get beat up by the guy down the street, don't come to me with your medical bills, I told you to not get caught.
