Sure ways to drive your spouse nuts.

Ladies, stop reading now.

NO, seriously, stop reading now.

Okay, I know women have difficulty listening, but your gonna regret it if you keep going.

Last time ladies, I will say it slow 'cause I know you can't hear fast,

S-t-o-p r-e-a-d-i-n-g n-o-w.

Well guys, its just us now.

Have you ever just been in that ornery mood and just wanted to watch you wife's head spin in circles while her body stands still? Ever wanted to do this and live to tell about it? I have a few suggestions for you. Its all harmless and money back guaranteed.

1. First, you have a plunger in your house and odds are its been around a while. Now is the time to buy a new one, but make sure it looks just like the old trusty one you've had around for years. Now, keep this prized purchase to yourself, and keep it in the garage or someplace out of sight for now. Sooner or later you gonna have another one of those events when you wife calls and informs you that your last mud snake has stopped up the toilet again. (ever notice its always the guy who gets blamed for this?) As a dutiful husband should, you grasp your trusty plunger from its proud position of honor and attend to the task at hand. A few good shoves and the mud snake is gone swimming with the fishes down the drain. As most guys know, there is usually a little bit of residue left behind on the plunger, some toilet paper Klingon's and some mud snake skid marks are common. What most of us guys will do is stick it back in the clean toilet and give it another flush or two, or if the wife isn't playing foreman and watching your efforts, we might stick it in the shower for a quick hose down. This is required before returning the plunger to its pedestal. Oh, but not this time, this time is the last time you will use this plunger. Here is what you do. Take the plunger out to the trash, discreetly. Dispose of the tool honorably. Now walk back into the house quietly, and stick the NEW NEVER BEEN USED plunger in the dishwasher without saying a word. Turn the dishwasher on and go about your business. Sooner or later she is gonna open the dishwasher and find the plunger. She will not know its brand new, she will think you just ............ well.......... you know what she thinks. She thinks your a moron and deserve to die right now. Once the shrieking starts, just walk in calmly with a look of confusion and explain, well, it needed cleaned, looks like new now doesn't it......... and just walk off and put the plunger back were it belongs. If you can keep a straight face you might even add, " I don't know what the problem is, everything in there has been sanitized now"



2. Next we have the " you just did not" moment that's just fun sometimes. Sometime when the moment is just right and all the stars are aligned just so, and you have an exit route to flee quickly if need be, I have another little gem for you to try out. While you both happen to be standing in the kitchen, oh say making sandwiches or something, reach into the drawer and pull out a fork. Take the fork and turn it upside down and reach over your head and use the fork as a back scratcher. Make sure to make some of those 'oh oh that's the spot' kind of noises and gestures while your doing it. Then quickly wipe the fork off on your shirt or your pants and put it back in the drawer. Now, be prepared to do some dishes after this one, else wise your gonna have to buy her some new silverware. ( don't forget to duck and run either)



3. This next one is the best (or worst) for making our lovely wife's faces turn colors. One morning while you wife is in the bathroom primping or whatever it is that they do in there, just walk in and make your way to the toilet. It is time for the manly art of peeing whilst standing up. While your standing there 'going' kind of swoosh things around in circles and make those naval combat noises you made as a kid. Put out an imaginary fire with your fire hose, whatever middleschoolish stuff you can come off with at the moment. Now, someplace in this bathroom is a hand towel. Every bathroom that is ever occupied by a married women at any time has a hand towel in it someplace. You guys know which towel it is that I'm talking about, its the towel that hangs there and looks pretty, the one that she uses and we don't because we will get it dirty and her hands are wet but never dirty. Okay, after your done 'going' reach up and grab 'the' towel and gently dry off then end of your fire hose, hang towel neatly back on rack, flush, put lid back down, and calmly walk out. Once clear of the bathroom................ run.............

Here are just three ways to cause your spouse to instantaneously combust. Just remember, use these at your own risk, make sure the couch is comfy 'cause you might need it, and just because your wife is a girl doesn't mean she always throws like a girl, so if a fork or a shoe take flight towards you, duck now, laugh later............

Cheers.........

PS: Ladies, I know you read this anyway, I know it because you couldn't resist the train wreck like quality that exists here, and because it goes against everything in your being to do what your told when a man says it. So, because I know your down here already anyway, you cant say you were not warned, and I bet you wish you'd listened after all. In fact, I bet you thinking about washing that hand towel today aren't you?