Word nonsense

Dear friends of Chaos, I requested that you all, (ya'll) donate some words to me and I would endeavor to generate a story based on the words you provided. Immediatly below this introduction is the list of words that you brought forth, and below the list I will spin a tale attempting to use them all. As is typical of stories from me, parts will be absolute truth, parts will be approximate truth, and parts will be absolute fiction. As is common of my life, I doubt you can tell the difference. Thank you to Mrs. Lois, Mrs. Beth, Mrs. Ruth, Mrs. Joy, Mrs. Peggy, and the one and only Mr. Pastor Charlie Tuna for your kind donations, and thank you to my wife for her words as well, and allowing me the time to write this nonsense. Just a reminder of the real, Fritz is the name of a dog who is staying with us temporarily while his owners are away in South Korea, he is real. If you have followed any of my rantings about the adventures of Tickle and Fritz, you have already been introduced to this canine. Some of what I write below will have him in it. Shall we all jump off the cliff together now?



1. Tree
2. Cheerleader
3. Mini van...
4. Pizza
5. Sloth

1. Flap
2. Push
3. Chew
4. Doodle
5. Puke

1. sparkly
2. vivacious
3. bitter
4. antique
5. colorful


1. Cantankerous
2. Sputtery
3. Clandestine
4. Chary


1. Netherlands
2. Uranus
3. Intercourse, Pennsylvania

spit

giggle

flounce

observe

jostle

Shortly

Avidly

Triumphantly

suspiciously

courageously

biscuit

albatross

teak deck

arc welder

heffalump

As I was coming home from the office this Sunday afternoon, I was driving down the highway looking forward to getting home and resting a bit, watch some football, play with my daughter, you know the usual kind of stuff. I changed lanes into the fast lane, carefully as always, and nothing was behind me for miles in either lane. Then, only moments later, I look into my rear view mirror to observe a strange sight. A large jolly man, with a beard and sparkly eyes was coming up fast, much to my surprise. Santa was tailgating me in the fast lane, on a Kawasaki Ninja, his hurry was plain. I quickly got over, to get out of his path, surely I did not want to acquire St. Nicks obvious wrath. That cantankerous old coot blew right on past, but I nearly spit out my chew as he flipped me the bird and stomped on the gas. I was astonished at his boldness and his bad demeanor, so I put the peddle to the metal to catch up to this wiener. As luck would have it, the next light was red, I rolled down my window and yelled, " what has got in your head?" As his large jolly countenance got off of his bike, he stuck his face in my window and said,

" Heffalumps and woosles, save the cheerleader, save the world"

I thought to myself, old St. Nick has gone mad.

I looked at him suspiciously as I thought what I could say, I was just sure I wanted to get out of his way. Courageously I thought what thoughts I could think, but surely, oh surely every thought did just stink. I though maybe just maybe I could fool the old cad and spout off something that was equally as mad, so I said.

"Thou hast gotten to be'th more chary about driving, thou carriage has runneth a foul of plain logic"

He looked at me triumphantly and gave me hug, and said to me clearly as he squished me like a bug.

"Alas I have found ye' in the oddest of places"

I was not expecting him to answer me, let alone I was now wondering why we are both speaking in the Kings English. Once I recovered from this man hug I was given, I informed him that he must indeed be mistaken.

" I knoweth not ye, so please go away, Ye have mistaketh me for another bloke on this day."

Santa looked at me all confused and befuddled, but he spoke again, much to my chagrin.

" I knoweth ye, if you knoweth me not, ye are the one to get us out of this spot"

"What spot is this, what spot do you speaketh of? I knoweth not of this plot, or this spot"

"I speaketh the truth, it is ye who must hurry, Fritz the French spy is loose and a worry"

"Fritz the French spy, tell me more, tell me why"

"He hath escapeth from his place of confinement, he is loose and in hiding, it is you who must find him"

" I have'th not a skill that may lend itself to this mission, I have'th nothing to offer to alleviate this tension"

" Ye brethren ye forget who ye are, ye are the father of a daughter and that will take ye far"

As I pondered and pondered what this St. had told me I remembered that is true that I have super powers, I am a Ninja, a plumber, and a fixer of things, a healer, a mender, and a buyer of blings. I am a father, and therefore can do all things.

" I accept ye mission to find the one called Fritz, tell me more my brethren big man, where do I start."

He gave me wink ( which was kind of creepy) and pointed towards the east. With a wink of his eye and his thumb up his nose, the light turned green,

He hit the gas and was gone.

So now I have a mission to find some spy named Fritz, who is supposedly off to the east of me. Not even knowing what Fritz looks like, I first go to my local library and sit down to do my homework. I find a picture and am shocked to find out that Fritz is a spy, and he is a dog. He is known by a few aliases, In the Dakota's he goes by his Indian name, Walks When He Pees. I am glad that he is east of me when I found this out. He also goes by his flower child name when in California, Fritzy Boo, but again, I am looking east. I learn more and more about his colorful personality as I dug into the research. Finally I find a useful clue, he was last seen in a small Amish village in Pennsylvania. A place called Intercourse Pennsylvania. So I hopped in my rented minivan and off I go, Super Plumber Ninja dad is off to Intercourse. Since I had a long drive to get there I had some time to think about Fritz. How does a little dog, who bears a strong resemblance to a sloth, gain such a vivacious reputation as an international spy? As I drove the many hard miles on my way to Intercourse I kept playing the stories over and over in my head of Fritz's cat like reflexes, his savvy demeanor, his many clandestine encounters ending in chaos. I found myself asking what have I gotten myself into. Finally I arrived in Intercourse and found myself immediately in a traffic jam of bearded men in buggies. Something else seemed clear to me as I could hear the din of the men chatting back and forth to their horses. Santa on a Ninja was really just a renegade Amish guy, that's why he seemed to acknowledge and speak the Kings English even though I spoke to him in jest. I now needed to find the man who last saw Fritz, his name is Romeo. Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo? Over yonder in ye field was the answer that was spoketh to me. Friendly folk these Amish gents. I found ol' Romeo and presented him with a picture of Fritz and inquired if he knew anything of his whereabouts. In a sputtery and angry voice Romeo answered me, " Arrh, that scallywag plum gots away from me a fortnight past. I threatened to run him through for making eye at me daughter, arrrh. He run off with the local beer wench from the next town over." I started to ask Romeo why he was talking like a pirate when the rest of the Amish folk around these parts seemed to prefer the Kings English, but upon taking a look at the crazed glare of the albatross resting on his shoulder, I thought maybe I should just find that bar, I could use a cold one right about now.

I found a little hole in the wall bar just outside of Amish country, right on the border to be exact. I found it strange that both cars and buggies were parked, or hitched out front, but I got up the dander to walk in for a quick gander around. I took myself a seat on a bar stool near the end of the bar and a fine looking lass shortly came to take my order. I asked for a Strawberry Daiquiri, and the young lady did a giggle at me. She then informed me that I would have a biscuit and a beer like everyone else in the place. I was not in the mood to argue, but now that I had her attention I asked if she knew anything about a beer wench and a dog named Fritz. She shhhhssst me right up and drug me to a small room. She whispered into my startled ears that Inga had left with Fritz stowed away under the teak deck of a pirate ship bound for the Netherlands. With a jostle she shoved me out the back door, without my biscuit or my beer. Having no luck with Intercourse, I was now off to the Netherlands to continue my adventure in search of Fritz, maybe the Netherlands would be more engaging.

On the plane ride over it occurred to me that maybe Fritz was making a break for the Hague and was going to claim some kind of immunity. While pondering this ponder I also had to wonder exactly what was I going to do if I located Fritz, I mean, I was sent after him by a crazed Santa driving like a madman on his crotch rocket, who turned out to really be a renegade Amish guy who was ticked off that Fritz had stolen his shiny buttons. Super Plumber Ninja Dad was not afraid, but I was questioning my sanity as to why I would take on this mission. Sure, Fritz was a bad character, a first class terrorist whose primary method of destruction was the vile and deadly urine land mine and fecal grenade. Sure he was an international threat, but why me, oh well, I guess if I have come this far I might as well keep going.

Once arriving in Amsterdam I found my way to the nearest port to hang out and wait for something that looked like a pirate ship. I realized I hadn't eaten in days so I pulled up a chair at a safe looking harbor side pizza joint and ordered a lobster and anchovy pizza with extra cheese. I was still questioning what I was going to do when Fritz and his Wench arrived. I figured if push came to shove I could use my Ninja skills to capture him and then take him to the U.S embassy, surely they would handle it from there. I avidly watched and waited for hours for a antique looking ship to pull into the harbor, presumably flying the Jolly Roger.

Just as the sun was setting and the anchovies were making me want to puke I saw an old sailing ship pull up to the harbor. Surely this is the vessel that contains Fritz. Its an old pirate ship with a teak wood deck, how could it be anything else. I could hear the flap of its sails as it drew nearer to shore. (the suspense is killing ya isn't it?) The bitter taste of the sea was shown on the faces of the men who were walking the plank of this old boat. One after another they staggered off of her and seamed to drag themselves off into the distance. I began to worry as I saw neither a women or a dog exit the ship. I was aware that Fritz was a master of disguises, but he would have had to disguise himself as a tree to have snuck past me. Finally, finally, finally at last, I see something suspicious. I see a man dragging a large box with the words Arc Welder printed on the side. A box that is big enough to hide a dog and his bride. I approached this rogue who was dragging the box and asked him politely if I might look in it. I expected by now that he would either be Amish or a Pirate, or perhaps even an Amish Pirate, but the man looked at me and spoke perfect Brooklyn eaz. "Forget about it" was his answer.

I implored him to be compliant and threaten him with my robust parenting skills. He shrugged his shoulders and did a flounce with his heal, but he agreed to let me see inside the box. I told him he didn't really look like a welder to me and that the doodle on the side of the box was suspicious. We preyed open the box and just as I suspected. a stowaway. But, only one stowaway, a wench. I asked the beer wench what had happened to Fritz.

The young lady told me quit a tale of how the aliens had come and taken Fritz away. I asked her over and over where he was and all she would tell me was that the aliens had taken him home with them to Uranus. I am not going to go to Uranus to look for him and I have no further leads, so I must now end this sorted tale with Fritz still on the loose.