Request granted.

First, to avoid a mistake like the previous one, I will warn you that what you are about to read contains a large amount of sarcasm, Satire, and parody. At the request of a friend who said, "Maybe you're getting soft in your old age, and you're moving to the dark side. What happened to the "Wake Up America(pronounced Um-merr-icka)!" side of you?" I will now indulge in a spoof of Gary Burbanks character Earl Pitts Uhmerikun.

Ya know what makes me sick? Ya know what makes me wanna stick my tongue in a 220 outlet while playing my banjo? Ya know what makes me wanna take a whiz on an electric fence? Male Olympic athletes thats what. Is it just me, tell me the truth, but did anybody else notice just how many of the guys in these Olympics are a little light in their loafers? It just seems to me that more of them than not where just a bit,well, girly. Very few of them were acting like real men. It was just discustin'. These swimmers on the relay teams would get out of the pool and hug on each other. Real men dont hug, and these guys were half naked groping on each other, its just not fit to be on TV. Its bad enough they show them Frenchies kissin each other on the ear, but men is speedos pressin flesh on each other just frosts my skittles. Men are not supposed to do that. Then you have that 14 year old British diver who's voice hadnt changed yet who needed to breast feed after each dive to keep his strength up. Where were the real men in these Olympics? Then you have 'dem pinko losers who sit and cry after the competition. You lost, just cuss a bit and try again later, but act like your a man, men dont sit and cry. Its okay to get a bit misty eyed while your standing on the podium and facing Ol' Glory and the anthem is ringin in your ears, but thats the only time, otherwise men are not allowed to cry. What happened to the good ol' days when the East German Women swimmers were really men carefully shaved and tucked? Now we got a bunch of snifflin pansies huggin and kissin on each other, its just not right. Men are supposed to be, well, men. You know, hairy, burly and masculine, not all huggy and lovey and touchin each other. It sets a bad example for the kiddies. You think I am wrong? Next time you see a truck driver do a nice job backing his 53 foot rig between two telephone poles walk up to him, tell him he did a nice job, smack him on his butt and give him a big ol hug to see what happens. Just dont send me the hospital bill.

Wake up Um-merr-ika!!!!!!!! It fare time we men stand up and act like men and quite sendin these girly men to the Olympics. I think me and Dub is gonna start training for that beach volleyball in the next Olympics. Look out London, here we come. If nothing else we might get to hang out with Misty Mae a little, she really motivates my skittles, you know what I mean? Just kiddin Pearl.

Ah'm (not really) Earl Pitts, Uhmerikun. Pitts off!

Response to critics.

I found this comment by 'anonymous' to my post "get with the program". I would like to take this opportunity to respond to this. First, let me clear up a few things. This response is only made for purpose of clarity and there is nothing here that is said in anger, by me or in my opinion, by the person who is in disagreement with me. So, having said that, let us be off.

My friend, I would first like to thank you for pointing out just how much in agreement we are. I know you probably don't get that, but we agree on most everything you stated. I will point it out as I go through and edit your post. I will post my comments in blue. You pointed out, many many times, that I was painting with a broad brush, "paint the house with a few strokes" to paraphrase what you said. Yes, I very much used a broad brush, hopefully broad to the point of absurdity. I did this on purpose to point out the absurdity to which people make assumptions, to point out that people will make a situation fit exactly into their preconceived thoughts about an issue. You exactly got my point when you were taken aback by my broad strokes.



I usually enjoy reading your posts, but you are WAY off on this one. I'll remark paragraph by paragraph to your original post. As for your question: Traitor, Loon, or lost mind? I say no, no, and somewhat. (You could just go with yes because I am sure I have lost my mind) The fact that you went to China and experienced a small piece of their culture by no means makes you an expert in this area. (not an expert and dont claim to be one. I would say that my experiences would lend some weight to my opinions beyond that of those who have more limited experiences. I would also say that my experiences are not limited to my time in China as far as learning about the 'heart' of the Chinese people. Angie and I have both endeavored to form lasting relationships with people in and from China as well as researching the culture in books, online and by any means we can get our hands on. We do this so that we might be able to teach Gracie about China in a somewhat accurate manner) I would compare it to someone from any foreign country visiting only one or two of our states, and making the same statements. With all due respect, what you "saw in the hearts of the Chinese people" is nothing considering there are 1.3 BILLION people in China. Finally, you imply that the athletes just return home to easy street, and the rest of their lives are filled with bliss.( this is the first of my absurdly broad brush strokes. No, all, nor even most, athletes return to a comfortable suburban lifestyles. The majority of athletes make sacrifices to work towards a dream that most likely will pay no financial reward. ) I'll return to this later.In your next paragraph, you make a huge leap with your perception of all of us as spoiled, lazy, etc... Well, that's your opinion, and you are certainly entitled to it. BUT you are painting with a broad brush....the very thing you are railing about...I smell hypocrisy. (You hit the nail right on the head. WE are in agreement again. Yes its hypocritical, purposefully. Yes its a broad brush, purposefully. No all of us are not spoiled, lazy, etc... Most people I know are hard working middle class folks. I know very few people who put in 40 hour work weeks, most are 50 plus most of the time. I know few couples who only have one person working, Angie has two and sometimes three small jobs running bringing our family total to 3 or 4 jobs. At the same time, not all Chinese are the deceitful and manipulative people they are most often portrayed to be either ) And then you go into the stereotypes(which is one word by the way). (RHS + OSU = cant type and cant spell) This world is not perfect. From the start to the eventual end, this will never go away. It doesn't matter whether the people are Chinese(or any other Asian group), of African decent( to be oh so PC), or Native American. You will always hear the "they all look alike" being thrown around. (True, perhaps, but that still does not excuse it when the statement has racist motivations. I will clarify right here that I KNOW you dont have racist motivations, but your not one of the people who has flooded my inbox with the racist crap that initially brought my blood to a boil.) As for the little girl lip-sync controversy, this happens everywhere in the world. You are missing the underlying fact here which I'll get to in a moment. No matter where you go, you're not going to see ads or billboards with fat, ugly people on them...period. Why? Because that's the way THE WORLD is. Is it right? NO, but if I could sing like Josh Groban, you still wouldn't see me singing the National Anthem somewhere. WHat you don't realize, is this is all a show. This is a chance for China to take center stage in the world. Sure most of the world remember the whole little "incident" on the square, and how they treat their people, and that they are one of the largest polluters on the planet, but for two weeks, China will appear perfect. It's all smoke and mirrors. (Again, we are in complete agreement here. I stated "The people putting on the opening ceremony decided to put their 'best face' on the show. We need to not lose sight of the fact that it is just that, a show" Yes, its a show or smoke and mirrors if you will, it is put on as a display carefully orchestrated for public consumption in order to create a certain opinion generated by the viewer of said show. As a secondary statement, China has that 1.3 billion population that you referred to earlier. That is something on the order of 6 times the US population. On the subject of pollution, do they put out 6 times as much pollution as the US? I cant prove it, but based on the logic of what I know the answer is 'not even close' China is well ahead of us in alternative fuels, wind, hydro, etc. Yes their coal plants are much dirtier than our own and they dont bow to an EPA like we do, but by and large we pollute more man per man than China does. I do believe that in the next 8 years that will change as we curb our bad habits and they accelerate theirs, but right this minute I think China is getting a bad rep for what they will be doing, not what they have done. This reputation of pollution comes from the ongoing industrial revolution and 1.3 billion people working their way into a consumerist middle class lifestyle.) As for cheating, no one country has a monopoly on it. Again you hit us with the broad brush by saying we're the biggest cheaters. Sports are about competition, but unfortunately, comes the temptation to cheat or get the "competitive edge". Who's fault is this? It's all of ours! (perfect agreement again)Why do we (as an American society) start kids in sports at such an early age? So they can have an edge. I can point to numerous accounts of people nearly ruining their children for some ideal the parent has of their little Johnny growing up to be a great athlete. Why do they have cheerleading camps for 4 and 5 year olds? (personal note about Gracie, she is in cheerleading as a purely social activity. There is no real competition involved nor encouraged by us. This is an avenue for socialization for a kid who needs to be exposed to more people and become less dependant on her safe zones. I point this out just in case anyone would misunderstand your comment and think we are pushing cheerleading. We are more grudgingly allowing it because she enjoys it and it provides some structured social settings that she would not get otherwise.) And finally to the point you make of how we think of China as evil. I think you pretty much paint the house in a few hours with all of those broad brushstrokes. I would guess that a majority of the opinions towards China are directly at their government and not at the people.( You mentioned above that I was allowed an opinion, I will do the same for you here, you are allowed an opinion and I respect that opinion as logical based on who you are. I can find no inherent flaw in this opinion, but I still disagree with you here. We have actually agreed with each other most of the time on this, but I believe most people dont take the time to separate in their minds the difference between a communist government, communist party members, and citizens of a communist country. Part of the reason for this is because its difficult to do, your government, whatever type, influences your culture, but it does not define who you are) Personally, I have never lynched anyone. Why are we supposed to have this guilt associated with us (especially if you're white)? I wasn't around for lynchings, slavery, or the Japanese internments....I'm not going to feel guilty for them. (lost me here, not sure where you got that one from. No, you need not feel guilty for the sins of previous generations but I dont read or recall saying anything about feeling guilty. Not sure where the slavery issue fits into this debate either. What I did mention in about this section of my post was that we as a nations should be careful what we say and how we act towards another nation when we are doing and have done exactly the same things as we are condemning them for. This does not imply that we should support the human rights violations, the rampant pollution problems, etc,, just that we should offer our past history as a lesson instead of our current situation as a benchmark. This small difference may help others to avoid the grievous mistakes we made. The other issue is that if you offer our current situation as the benchmark, then it had better be pristine, clean and problem free, but alas its not.) The people that sat back and did nothing bear the burden of guilt.The Olympics are supposed to be about the purity of sport. Society has, and always will, make it an us vs. them event. Remember the 1980 US hockey team? For those who take the games for more than what they are, I say get a life. It's not the end of the world that the US lost to Japan in women's softball. On that day, they were better. Pat them on the back, tell them great job, and move on. (complete agreement again) My final note: This is not a perfect world. In fact, it's quite broken, but good things can still come from it. (and again) I'm not bashing China for what they do. (I have never heard you bash China, I have heard many many a person who does, friends, neighbors, public figures, reporters, the list is long, but I cant say as I have ever heard or thought you were bashing China. I dont hold any of these people to some unattainable standard when they do bash China, I will upon occasion point out a different point of view, and this is one of those times, mostly) In fact, if China didn't have any problems, you wouldn't have that beautiful daughter. She is somewhere where she is loved...it just happens to be in the U.S.A. (and I thank God every day for the fact that she is here with us, not just because of selfish reasons either, but because she will have so many more advantages in life as long as she can take advantage of them. For that I say God Bless America.)


So, in retrospect, I would like to thank you for a few things. One, for making me think even deeper into the subject. Two, for posting without your name which allows me to answer you in this way because if you had used your name I would not be comfortable with re-posting your comments. I would also like to apologize for making my satirical sarcasm a bit too cryptic. I would have thought it was obvious that I dont think all Americans are lazy etc. I do think our society is a bit too hung up on stereotypes (one word) that are less than accurate. I do think our society is more racist than we are willing to admit to ourselves. I would also like to say that in parts I got the feeling that you thought some part of my original post may have been directed at you, let me assure you that this was never the case. Most of my irritation came from either emails to my business email or a thread that was running on a forum sight (Angie addressed them directly as well) Having said all that, thank you for your comments and please please please continue to do so.

Move on.

http://www.nbcolympics.com/gymnastics/news/newsid=246060.html#did+chinese+gymnasts+cheat+ioc+says?GT1=39003

Man I wish I could figure out how to do links right. Anyway, this article is titled " IOC: Despite questions, no proof China cheated"

Lu said the Chinese gave the FIG documents Thursday evening that included the current and former passport, ID card and family residence permit for double gold medalist He Kexin. Lu said the documents all say she was born in 1992, which makes her eligible to compete. Gymnasts must turn 16 at some point during the Olympic year in order to be eligible.
"We believe the matter will be put to rest and there's no question ... on the eligibility," Davies said. "The information we have received seems satisfactory in terms of the correct documentation - including birth certificates."

"Surely it's not possible that these documents are still not sufficient proof of her birthdate?" Lu asked. "The passports were issued by the Chinese Foreign Ministry. The identity card was issued by China's Ministry of Public Security. If these valid documents are not enough to clarify this problem, then what will you believe?
"The Chinese government and the Chinese athletes must be respected," he added.


Yes, respect the athletes, the government, maybe maybe not, but respect the althletes.


"If you trust every Web site but not a government ... There are so many Web sites, so much hearsay," Lu said. "These are not official. It is possible that all news on the Internet is accurate?"

I have heard that someplace before, hmm, must have been from a wise man.

Get with the program

We have enjoyed the Olympics in my house. It has been a very special time as we watch these young people compete to be the best in the world at what they do, or just compete on the world stage and live out their dream to the best of their ability. We have enjoyed seeing all the sights that we had seen while we were in Beijing. We have laughed and we have cried watching the 'man on the street' interviews done by NBC. It has been a great experience to watch what the Chinese have worked so hard to present to the world. I have found myself cheering for many a Chinese athlete in these games, and I will admit, sometimes I am cheering for them to win even if it means an American lost. Am I a traitor? Am I a loon? Have I lost my ever lovin mind? No, none of the above. I have seen the heart of the Chinese people and I know what this means to them. I understand the national pride associated with the event, but more importantly I know what it means to the individual. Most of the American competitors will return to their mid west suburbs, their Floridian condos or their Coastal apartments. A good deal of them will simply return to the college program that taught them. For the Chinese athlete its typically a little different.





Don't get me wrong, I love my country and I am a conservative who believes in the freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and freedom to own firearms as well as the right to life. In other words I am not a fan of a communist government. I am very much a fan of the people of China. A kinder hearted people you will never meet and I am beginning to get sick and tired of all of the things that I am hearing during these Olympics. We are supposed to be an enlightened progressive society who care for each other and care for our environment, at least that is what we claim. When in reality I perceive us as a bunch of spoiled, lazy, condescending bigoted ignoramuses who are positive that we are just a little bit superior to everybody else. Yes I stepped on my soapbox and I will now leap from it up onto the railing (so that I can rail).



Lets attack the first stereo type I have been hearing lately. Take a good look at the athletes whose pictures I posted at the top of this page. Now, look hard and ask yourself a question, do they all look alike to you? I should hope not, if you think they do it means you need glasses because they look nothing alike. China has over 50 different ethnic groups within its borders and while there has been a good deal of mixing in the last several generations, prior to that each ethnicity stayed pretty much unique. Each one is pretty discernible from the other if you just pay attention. Some have almond shaped eyes, some have thinner eyes and double eyelids, some have very flat noses and others have more pointed noses and rounder eyes almost making some believe they are Amerasian. Once you step outside the borders of China into Vietnam, Korea, Japan, and others, the difference becomes even more noticeable. So when you make comments about not being able to tell the difference between the athletes, or you say on looks like my daughter and she doesn't because she isn't even Han Chinese and looks nothing like her, than you are showing some bias that I would rather you keep to yourself. If you show too much bias and do so in front of my daughter you will have to deal with a grumpy daddy, or worse yet, the wrath of momma, nuff said.



Next lets talk about the controversy surrounding the decision to have a pretty little girl lip sync while a pretty, but not quite as pretty little girl actually sings the song in the opening ceremony. (story here, http://www.dose.ca/news/story.html?id=c9ba449a-2c27-40c2-ad22-a0f9d9bb29e5 ) Also, the fireworks in the opening ceremony were digitally re-mastered for the television viewer, but really did go off just prettied up a bit for television. People in this country and others seem to be all up in arms about these two items. "Its a fake" people are crying. Its cruel to the little girl who didn't get the face time and recognition that the prop girl got. Hello, Americans, look around you. Our entire culture is built around this lie. We are a very shallow, superficial, looks are everything society. Just look at our celebrities, our Barbie dolls, our entertainment networks, we thrive on vanity. We love to build up the pretty people and love to take joy in watching them fall as well. We invented the term weather bunny cause you had to be pretty to tell us a storm was coming. Is the pretty face that talks about the incoming warm front the person who did all the work? Usually not, they are just the pretty face and some fat bald guy like me is sitting behind the scenes with his computer and slide rule working out the path of that incoming hurricane. Doesn't bother folks much, but its no different with this little girl. The people putting on the opening ceremony decided to put their 'best face' on the show. We need to not lose sight of the fact that it is just that, a show. We seem to be offended by the whole lip sync scenario, but it wasn't like Millie Vanilli took our money and lied to us. We didn't pay for this show, it was put on for us. It would be like a half time show at a bowl game or even the Superbowl, how often are those shows really lip synced, more often than not I believe.

Next we have those cheating Chinese homers. They only won so many gold medals because its a home game for them, and they cheat. The put out 10 year old and the girl who crashed twice on the vault but still beat the American obviously cheated, somehow. Well, having home field advantage is a real thing, it has to go to somebody, we had Atlanta remember. As for cheating, I think incompetence can be argued, but not cheating. As for the too young to participate member of the team, I don't get it. First, since when is having less training and less experience an unfair advantage? Second, if her passport says she is legal and the IOC says she is legal, its over, drop it because your wrong. You can through out, but a couple of news articles said she was younger. Okay, lets trust some amateur reporter and ignore official government documents and a ruling party (IOC) double check to go with what some reporter typed two years ago. Come on, give it up. If you want to bash cheaters, you need to look a little closer to home. Marian Jones sound familiar? Her husband even? The Americans and the Europeans and even the Aussies have had more than a few athletes tossed for steroids and other illegal doping problems. That's cheating folks, like it or not, we are the biggest cheats, not the Chinese.

Last and my most favorite thing people do to drive me nuts. People take a view of China and talk about China as a place of minimal human rights, nearly slave labor, a place that greatly abuses their children, a dark, dirty backwards place. They base this view on scenes from Tienanmen Square where some protesters were killed. They base this view on the way the Tibetans are treated. They base this view on stories they have heard about dissidents being detained, without due process, for unspecified lengths of time. The speak of an evil China, not even realizing that when they speak that way they are speaking ill of the very same people who they are intending to have sympathy for. Your problem is with the government structure, not the people, so back off the people. Even then, to complain and condemn them for things such as these is to profess an absurd lack of memory of your own history. You speak of Tienanmen square as if you have forgotten about Alabama and Mississippi and the people who died protesting school segregation. We would lynch them from trees and shoot them in the streets, somehow this is better than running over them with a tank? As for dissidents being detained, they are done so by a government whose afraid of them. I do not condone this, but I cant yell too loudly because of this thing called Guantanamo Bay. As for how they treat their children, how many abortions do we allow in a year? How many kids are found dead in cars that are too hot because momma is getting a quick facial or dad is making a short trip into the crack house? How many kids are raised in single parent homes because dad either bailed out, or was never identified? As far as the Tibetians, what did we do with the Native American Indians? How did we treat the resident Germans and Japanese during the war?

Are we really all that much better than they? What justifies our feeling just a little bit superior?

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Encounter

I have been debating on whether or not to post about this. I have decided to just slightly change the names and go for it. A couple of week ago I had a dinner date with a beautiful young lady who was not my wife. Before you go and get all appalled, she is a relative of mine, but the casual onlooker would not know that, so I had a little fun with it anyway. This was the first time I had spoken to her in person in something like 12 years. So, here is the story.

When I was a young man, a pre-teen I think, my uncle adopted a daughter. My uncle had not always been physically present in my day to day life, but he was a very important role model to me. I didn't have a strong relationship with my father so my grandfather and uncle filled in a lot of blanks as far as the proper way a man should behave and taught me a great deal about what it means to be a responsible adult. Not to imply that my dad wasn't or isn't a responsible adult, he is and always has been but he lacked any and all ability to communicate with me. We might exchange 10 words a year during my adolescence and at that age you don't do a good job of understanding what is taking place without some verbal cues. Back to the point, my uncle was not an overly talkative man either but he was full of sage wisdom that other might not have been willing to share. As an example, he would say things like, "you messed up, the mess is yours and yours alone, if you wait for somebody else to clean it up your gonna wait a long time and it wont be done right. If you make a mess or a mess of something, you own it , you fix it, you make it as right as you can, then forget all about it and move on, its over." One long run on sentence, one world of hard but true advice. When I flunked out of Ohio State he took me aside and reminded me of this wisdom he had shared many years before. Then said, get a job, get back in school and start over. I got the job that week, moved back out of my parents house and began to live life without looking back. He then helped me get a good job ( a year later) that would put me back in school and start me on a career in manufacturing, just as he had done. I found myself following in his footsteps, same career choice, same schooling, many many similarities, right down to the fact that years and years later I too adopted a daughter. This story that I am going to share is not about my uncle however, it is about his daughter. My daughter's name is Grace, his daughter is Happiness.

Someplace along the line, be it family politics, geographic local, life style choices, lack of interest and understanding, and more, Happiness and myself parted company for more than a decade. My uncle died many years ago from the complications associated with agent orange exposure. I would see him daily at work but had minimal contact with his family. Once he died I never saw any of them again, until now. Happiness has had an interesting and difficult life. She was a most rebellious teen, always pushing her parents and later her parent to the limits. She just wanted to assert her independence and become her own person but wasn't allowed to. Her father was very proud of how strong and smart she was, her mother just wanted to protect her and hide her from the world and keep Happiness contained and safe at home. Eventually Happiness did venture out into the world an dealt with all the ups and downs that we all deal with. She went to college, got a degree and is now married, has a daughter of her own and has all the bumps, big and small behind her. I contacted Happiness about 3 years ago just before leaving for China by email. We emailed back and forth sporadically and spoke on the phone once in that time. Something like two weeks ago I got an email that was a little different and a dinner meeting was arranged. We met in the middle of our two homes, which just happened to be my old neighborhood. I met Happiness at a local Mexican restaurant and we spent several hours together. Talking, sharing, getting to know each other. I shouldn't have been surprised to find out that I didn't know Happiness at all, but I was a little. Happiness didn't know me either, but we shared quit a lot, good and bad and I think we have reached an agreement. Happiness wants to get together again soon with our spouses and kids to continue this process of re-connecting. I cant wait for Happiness to meet Grace. I had no idea before the meeting because I don't spend much time with family, actually I avoid it when possible, but I actually have missed Happiness being a part of my life and am looking forward to spending more time with her. I find myself missing my Uncle right now as well, wondering what he would have thought of Grace. I would love to ask him, point blank, if I have cleaned up all my mess yet, just to see what the answer might be. I don't know if Happiness being absent from my life all these years is really a mess that I created but it has been a mess long enough that I want to at least help clean it up, hope I can do it right. As soon as I get done with this post I am going to email Happiness and see if she has made any decisions about when we should get together again. Soon I hope.

It will be such a joy to have Happiness back in my life, and I hope that I can be a joy to her as well.

Black Plague

Well this has been an interesting week. I have not been at work all week and I soooo would rather have been at work than been here at home.

PSA somewhat graphic commentary to follow.

Saturday night went on date night with wife, second date this year I think. Started feeling a little odd by end of movie, but not really bad.

Sunday morning, got up tired, and cold, very cold. Went and got so chores done quickly but didn't make it to church because I didn't feel like I should go with what is obviously a fever.

Sunday night, fever and headaches, large and rapid debilitating fevers with persistent headache.

Monday morning, second wave, nausea arrives, struggle to keep food down, don't want to eat. Food is temporary visitor at best by now. I am feeling weak.

Tuesday morning, wave three, diarrhea arrives. Water wont even stay down. I drink a 32 oz. bottle of water first thing in the morning and 16 oz leave via my nose and 16 oz blast out the poop shoot, both at same time with minimal warning. Still doing the laundry.

Tuesday 10 am I arrive at Urgent Care, nurse asks what she can do for me, I ask her to save me from the Black Plague. She then takes me to the back room and preps me for an IV. The doctor comes in with 3 other people, looks at my arm and asks if I have a preference of arm or back of hand. After telling him my hand, I warned him that if he missed my vein the first time he would have ample time to try again after I was unconscious. I don't think he believed me until he missed and about 60 seconds later I went off to La La land. When I awoke 2 minutes later I was being filled with fluid, anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea medication. About an hour later and 200ML of fluid intake, I felt almost human again. Almost

Wednesday I wake with then intention of being a normal productive male, only to find out that every last bit of stamina and energy I have ever had is gone. I attempt to do laundry, clean the kitchen, and fix supper. I get about half of this done and I feel like I have run a marathon at full sprint in the hot sun with a Mongolian oxen hitching a ride on my shoulders. (Mongolian oxen are also called water buffalo)

Thursday, again, life should be normal, but. I did get the kitchen clean and I am still working on the laundry, but things are moving oh so slowly. I will not be at work again until Monday. My head still has three banjo playing chimpanzee's and two bongo playing bovines playing bad jazz rhythms between my ears while Mexican jumping beans plant cabbage in my intestines. Anybody looking for an alternative fuel source or a cause for global warming need look no farther than Maineville.

I am looking forward to a normal feeling meal and the ability to turn food into a solid fecal lump instead of jet powered dirty water spray with enough pressure behind it to de-barnacle a battle ship hull.

As an aside, this week has produced two Gracie-isms.

"momma, do all moms have hair in their pit? it's scratchy" (translation is momma needs to shave arm pits, but I would like to find a person brave enough to correctly answer that question)

"momma, Madison said when babies leave their mommy's belly's they take them out of their panties, do they come from your vagina?"

Sometimes its good to be dad.

cheer camp

You have heard of the secretive Masonic Lodge, the society of the Shriner's, the Water Buffalo lodge with its secret handshake. You know about the Black Hand society, the Red Hat society, and the White Glove society. Thanks to National Geographic you even know about the mating habits of the pygmy's of New Guinea. But today I bring you a first ever look behind locked doors into the murky world of.......................................... CHEER CAMP.

For the first time ever revealed to the public. A brief look into the secret practices of the cheerleader. I was able to gain entry into the secret underworld of cheer camp. For 3 evening, a mysterious and ancient ritual was undergone, right here in this small town. Who would have ever know? I am able to share this with you, anonymously, to let you too see the strange and mythical world of cheer camp.

Gracie actually was on of 15 girls to win a ribbon. She did the best toe touch in her group. She was so very excited about that.