Poop, Again.

Yes thats right. Another story about fecal issues, and yet another story brought to you by my dearest daughter Gracie.

Public service announcement.

Please set aside all liquid beverages at this point because your laptop or keyboard may be harmed if you are unable to contain the spray that just might emminate from your nostrils in the next few minutes.

End public service announcement.

As you may remember, Gracie will on occasion suffer from a round of constipation. Most likely because her favorite food is cheese. When such an event occurs she suffers loudly in great pain and talks to her poop trying to coax it out of her body. She does this by yelling,"get out, get out, get out of my butt" We try to console her as best as possible while she is suffering through these unfortunate events. We have told her that apple juice, grape juice and raisins will help with this issue. Her translation is that eating raisins and drinking juice will make her butt not hurt. Well, here is the story of our latest tale of the poop monster comming to visit.

I arrived home last Wednesday night with plans of taking Gracie to Skyline kids night while mom went off to have her hair done and visit with our friend Claudia. When arriving in the house I heard the sounds from upstairs that could only be the sounds of a terrorist being tortured by an ugly lesbian Marine, or, a constipated 4 year old. So, I walked slowly upstairs to see what might be causing this issue. I found Gracie on the toilet with Angie setting behind her trying to calm her down. Gracie felt the need to explain the problem to me, "poop wont come out, I drank all my juice but it still wont come out. Get out of my butt poop, I am tired of this, I have been in the bathroom all day and my knees hurt and my butt hurts, GET OUT poop." Ah, such a nice welcome home greeting. Angie and I trade places and sit with Gracie who calmly talks to her poop a little while longer and then she looks up at me with the same look as a women who is about to give birth and screams at me at the top off her voice (which is quite ample I might add) "Get me raisins, NOW" I told her, hunny, we dont have any raisins, to which she responded, "then get me juice" Ah, yes ma'am juice comming right up. I brought her a large cup of apple juice which she tossed back like a frat boy drinkin a beer at spring break. She then hopped of the toilet rinsed out the glass and told me now she wanted milk. Coming dear, the milk only lasted a little longer than the apple juice. So, time passes and I try to coax her off the toilet and to Skyline. I figure the Skyline will help the issue as much as anything. So she gets dressed but wont leave yet because she wont sit down, her butt hurts after all. She wont let me look at it either. More time passes and finally we are off to Skyline at 7PM. We eat dinner, she plays a while and makes her craft and we leave. We are on the way home and she decides she does feel up to going shopping (imagine that) and wants to go to Krogers (or Krogert as she calls it) to buy her lunches for this week. So off we go. We are only there about 10 minutes when she calmly asks if they have a bathroom here. I say no, why do you ask ( I know thats lame but what else are you gonna do?) She then, not so calmly, tells me we need to go home, now, hurry up, dont go down that aisle, take me home, I gotta go potty. Lets see, 12 oz apple juice + 12 oz milk + 12 oz Sprite = an issue for daddy. I sucumb to the pressure, and say, "oh look hunny there is a bathroom here, lets go" I know better and I see it coming but I am stuck. We go to the mens room and find that it is a one holer with a door that locks, this is a plus. She hops up and takes care of the business of fluid removal. Now she is already on the pot so she might as well talk to her poop some more. Now understand this, we are in a public restroom between the pharmacy and the customer service counter in a room that echos and Gracie is not a quiet child. So this is what anybody might hear if they are standing in line at the pharmacy or customer service.

"It hurts"
"Get out of my butt, Get out"
"It hurts my butt"
(other sordide moans and groans of discomfort)
( I lean over and rub her back and tell her to finish up and we will go home to finish, but when I lean forward to do this I am greeted with)
"NO, dont touch me, I dont want you to touch me"

When exiting the bathroom I looked for an officer to arrest me, but finding none we expiditiously departed the store.

The conversation between Gracie and her poop continued until about midnight at which time I turned her back over to her mother. Sometime between midnight and 1 AM Angie decided enough was enough.

Have you ever played that popular party game called pin the tail on the donkey? How about pin the tail on the crack smokin spider monkey? No, you havent played that game, well you have obviously never tried to give a 4 year old Chinese Princess a suppository. She turned into a freaked out mini ninja. Once the mission impossible was accomplished, Gracie was an angry Gracie. The next hour or so was filled with her telling us what terrible people we are and how she is going to:

"crumple us up and toss us in the fire"
"pour us in a glass and drink us up"
"People dont put thing in other peoples butts, its not polite to do to somebody and your in big trouble"

OH MY.

At 4AM I am awoken by the words, "Daddy, help Gracie"

I then become, (insert kung fu music here) Ninja dad. I leap to my feet and with cat like quickness (stop laughing) sprint into the bathroom to find, the suppository has done it duty and Gracie has decorated her night gown with a rather crusty 8 inch long skid mark as well as stopped up the toilet. Okay, my favorite phrase in life, "daddy fix it, make it all better"

Well super plumber ninja dad did what needed done, washed off Gracie and off to bed we went. She crawled in with us as I slept for about 30 minutes before it was off to work.

Thursday was a long day............