Sometimes a person just needs to vent. So, please forgive me, but this is one of those times. I am really rather angry right now. I will admit right off the bat that its a bit unjustified, what took place is fairly normal, but that doesn't do much to cool my temper about the issue. I will refrain from details and names to protect the guilty so if this causes this post to be difficult to understand or follow, I am sorry, but I am writing this post more for me than for my reader. I usually have only the potential reader in mind when I post, but this time I am typing just to try and reason my way back to some reasonability. Someone, who shall be named 'that person' from this point on has made my Gracie cry. Its not just a little upset cry, its a big time life issue, mom and dad have a conference to deal with the potential damage cry. I don't like it when my sweetie gets hurt, I get angry when she gets hurt this deeply. Here is the story:
Nobody knows exactly how the mind of a little girl works. Add the complications and drama and Hunan personality that is Gracie, and logic is a hopeless endeavor. Gracie stores up information and then when she gets to some point in processing the information, it comes out in words. The subjects that come forth are totally random to the casual observer. She reasons through things like Santa Claus and starts asking for explanations in April for example. You never know what the trigger is or was, but some random topic that is of deep concern will pop forward without warning, its just when her mind has reached some point where she cannot reason it through any farther and it just needs to come out.
Well, this is what happened this Sunday on the way home from church. No connections to anything that was current, just random. Gracie asks, out of the blue,
"Why does 'that person' not come around anymore?"
Now, from the first sentence mom and I both knew something was wrong. This question was random to us, but the voice that projected the question was not a happy voice. It is the same voice that she has when she is trying to make up with us after having done something she knew was wrong. Its that sad and unsure voice. Its quiet, soft, and unsteady.
"Mommy, daddy, why does 'that person' not come around anymore?"
We try to answer her in as generic terms as possible to not add fuel to what is obviously going to become a fire. She has been processing this too long and this tactic is not going to work. She demands answers. The truth is not something she can understand, but more details are needed. When Gracie gets ahold of something like this, there is no distracting her so "look its a ground hog!" is not going to work. She becomes like a pit bull with PMS on things she has been working on in her brain for a while. Nothing is going to separate her from this line of questioning until she gets some understanding.
"Mommy, daddy, last week (last week could be anything from 10 minutes ago to, in this case, about 6 weeks ago) when we were at the other place, 'that person' wouldn't play with me. When she was at our house she wouldn't play with me either."
We tried to explain to her that 'that person' is too busy right now and she doesn't have time to play. That is about 20% truth, she is busy with other things that she has put in a higher priority than Gracie is the whole truth, but Gracie isn't going to understand that. We tried to explain that she had things in her life that were more important to her at the moment, but Gracie cant grasp what we are saying. At least that is one way of looking at it, I think Gracie understands maybe too well and our attempts to soft shoe the issue are not being bought. I think she senses we are selling her a line of goods and she isn't going to buy.
"But, mommy, daddy, 'that person' doesn't have time for me anymore, she doesn't want to play with me anymore, she want talk to me anymore, she doesn't come around anymore, I don't get to see her anymore."
Then, the bomb explodes, the dam burst, and the Hunan Hottie hit critical mass with this statement.
"'that person' doesn't love me anymore, 'that person' doesn't love me anymore, 'that person' doesn't love me anymore"
Mom and dad jump firmly into damage control mode. We cant lie to her. She is now crying uncontrollably. She is sobbing and weeping deeply. She is in a word, mourning the loss of a loved one. Neither one of us can tell her she is wrong, because she probably isn't wrong. 'that person' has done nothing unusual, but 'that person' is doing what most teenagers do. She is focused on her life and her wants and is oblivious to the world around her. While it is not out of the ordinary for a teen to go through this spot in life, it is not something a four year old can understand. All Gracie knows for sure, and she is most likely correct, is that someone who used to love her, doesn't anymore, and she feels this loss all too deeply. While I can understand and forgive because I too have been a short sighted teen at one point in life, Gracie has a different set of issues than most kids. Gracie bonded to momma in about an hour in a hotel room in China, Gracie attached herself to daddy something like 6 months later, 'that person' was pretty close to the same time frame as me. She was either the third or the second person Gracie loved, too close to call. The were inseparable, all Gracie could talk about and wanted to do was be with 'that person' So now Gracie is grieving deeply this lose. It also brings with it insecurities, like what about mommy and daddy, could I lose them too. She always asks questions, but lately we keep getting the, "will you ever leave me alone" question and the " when I get bigger, can I keep......... fill in the blank with whatever is on her mind." Things are tough for Gracie right now, she is growing up so fast and with it comes baggage. She was talking about her Chinese mommy tonight and asking why she didn't keep her.
Right now we are dealing with one upset, sad, insecure, and confused little girl. All we can do is love her more and love her harder. I would ask for your help as well. Please pray that the Peace which cannot be understood settles on her strong little spirit. Pray that Gracie can mourn and move on.
We spent lunch that Sunday consoling her and God decided to help by sending an unknowing angel to be with Gracie. Our waitress took Gracie with her, took her to play games and let her help with her job. This waitress let Gracie carry a bowl of salad and deliver it to a customer for her, fingers in the lettuce and all. Gracie felt like a queen for the hour or so we were there, but like I said earlier, once she sinks her teeth in deep, there is no letting go. The insecurity is present, she was back in our bed last night because she hadnt slept, she is still processing information right now, more questions will arrive soon, God prepare us both with good answers.
Also, please pray for me. I have spent years learning to control my temper. I can be rational and know that nothing unusual has taken place and no one has done anything with intent of malice, but when my sweetie gets hurt this deeply, and cries this mournfully it makes my neck hair stand up. Her tears are so pitiful, they are not the tears of anger that are normal for a four year old, nor are they the tears of confusion or frustration that are also normal. They are the tears of a broken heart and a deeply felt loss of a loved one. My reaction wants to be one of anger, but it should be one of forgiveness and I need to focus on love instead of anger. I am working on it, but I keep humming a tune to myself over and over again.
Little bunny foo foo
hopping through the forest
picking up the field mice....................
Hmmm, need to work it some more.
5 comments:
Chris, first, remember that I'm only going by what you've written, so I may be way off base. I wonder if this is more about Gracie grieving the loss of her Chinese mommy deep within her spirit. I wonder if this is actually a very good thing - that she is experiencing that grief now, at this age, than in her teens. I wonder if you have actually loved her in such a healthy way that she feels safe enough to grieve. I wonder if it will end up bringing your family closer as she works through these emotions.
I wonder if your anger is a result of your own emotions - watching your child grieve and also feeling torn because if the Chinese mommy hadn't given Gracie up, you wouldn't be her forever Daddy and you and Angie wouldn't be her forever family. That's a lot of emotion to process also. Sometimes it's easier to get angry than to feel your own pain.
I think 'that person' is a normal teenager. I think Gracie's and your emotions are normal reactions to very deep emotions. I pray that God's grace will go deeper than the pain for all of you.
love, Ruth
Ruth always with the wise words. :)
Poor, sweet, sensitive little Gracie....I can't help but think about how amazing mind, her inquisitive spirit, and her tenderness and wonder at the things she will do once she gets older. But now she's 4 and crying those little girl tears that have seen so much more than any little girl should see. I'm praying as you love on Gracie and Angie (and as they love on you). May these tears strengthen your family, but also may you have the wisdom in God to comfort Gracie in her sorrow. You are in my prayers!
Praying for you and Angie to have wisdom as you help Gracie process this and as you process this yourselves! Sometimes we don't give enough credit to the "smartness" of our little ones!
Thank you for the prayers and the wisdom.
Ruth, you bring up an interesting point, I have wondered if Gracie transposes hurt and pain from things she cant understand to things she can, either way, its painful to watch.
my m-i-l, who is a counselor, said to me not too long ago that the process of getting older is one of experiencing loss. She was referring to my dad's life, but in a sense, it is true for us all. There are people who only come into our lives for a short time - you no doubt know that poem that travels via email about people coming into your life for a season or a reason. There is some truth in it.
I think Ruth is right - this may be far more about "why do people go out of my life" than it is about the specific teen. That just may have been the trigger, and it could be what she's really seeking is reassurance that you and Angie will never leave her.
A teenager's main job is to separate from their parents so that they can go on on their own. Your teen friend is just doing her job, in a sense, which is what SHE needs to do in order to cope with moving on in her life. She has to separate from the folks she's loved at home, or she won't be able to cope with going away to college, or wherever life takes her. She no doubt doesn't have the life experience to do it gracefully, and Gracie's been hurt in the way it's happened.
Praying for all of you as you navigate this and help Gracie through her grief. julie
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