Yearly review and prophicy...............

In a second annual version, I shall review the happenings of the previous year and then prognosticate some events for the coming year. I will then, in the next post, review my prognostications from last year and see just how well I did.



This past year was busy and full of events, some pleasant, some not so much so. Lets start with my favorite subject....... Gracie............

1. Gracie goes to kindergarten. This will be a movie title someday I am sure of it. When she started she was notably behind the other kids, but now with the help of a wonderful teacher, diligent parenting, ESL classes (English as a Second Language) and speech therapy she is even with and passing some of her peer. She reads on par for her age, writes, draws, cuts, etc all in line with her expectations. This is truly remarkable. The only place she is lacking at the moment is in that hand-eye coordination department, but that may never come.
   
2. Gracie gets a 2 wheeler. Bye bye tricycle, hello hell on wheels. She has a pink and white and blue bike, and a pink helmet. Somehow when she falls over its my fault. If you find yourself driving through Willow Pond during the warm seasons and see a fat, out of breath bald guy running in circles behind a little Chinese chickeepoo, that would be me. Beep and wave to say hi, but don't stop, I cant talk right now.
   
3. Gracie decides Halloween is not a good night and doesn't want anything to do with it (yeah we win), Gracie decides Santa is real even though she has been told, repetitively, that he is not (boo, we lose) Gracie's version of Santa is as follows. " Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus birthday and we give Him ourselves as presents, then He gives us presents in return, and Santa delivers them. " (oh, so close)
   
4. Gracie is a cheerleader. She is the smallest (too small for the smallest uniform even), the cutest, and the least coordinated cheerleader you ever saw.
   
5. Gracie has a sleep over. Momma is in a coma by morning.
   

There were some other events during the year as well. Hurricane takes half of our shingles off, in Ohio. Some election nonsense that just proves how gullible some people can be. My church goes up for auction. Detroit Lions go O'fer the season. O.J finally goes to jail. Total utter economic collapse with a government response of nationalizing whole industries and some companies. The Beijing Olympics and all the hoopla and controversy that it brought. yadda yadda and some other stuff.

Well, that's enough review. Lets look ahead to what 09 might bring.

1. U.S government buys GM and then sells it to Toyota making Toyota the biggest company in the world. Toyota refuses to honor UAW contracts, fires all union employees, replaces them with workers and then sells GM back to U.S government for a profit. Government then returns union-less unburdened and profitable company to private hands and GM stock is selling for $110 a share. Obama looks like a genius but it was really Newt working behind the scenes pulling it all off.





2. After all the banks get done gobbling each other and we end up funding the only one left, we will have only one bank, it will be called the Federal Reserve Bank of America.
   
   
3. We will NOT have an energy policy, we will NOT have affordable health care, we will NOT have lower taxes on the working class, we will NOT have improved trade, we will NOT have less immigration problems, and we will NOT get out of Iraq and Afghanistan any time soon. We will lose our HOPE and we will NOT have change. (cheerful aren't I?)
   
4. Sarah Palin announces that she is really Bill Clintons love child. To which Bill replied, " I did not have sexual relations with that teenager" (not buying it this time either)
   
5. Brett Farve retires, again, and resurfaces, again, but this time as a Dallas Cowboy.



6. Due to sponsorship cuts and pressure from a green administration Nascar cuts its season in half and only races hybrid vehicles like the Toyota Prius. Max speed is now 85 MPH. Ooogity Boogity, lets go rac-in.





7. Oprah leaves Steadman. She says it was the result of finding her one true love and her three month affair with Obama. Barack vehemently denied that there was any personal relationship between the two. Problem was, he was telling the truth. When questioned, Oprah said she left her man because of her affair with Michelle Obama. When Michelle was asked to comment she said that yes it was true, and she would have done anything to help her husband win the election. She also said that Oprah was an incredibly talented women and that they might have a future together. (eww)




8. The republican party announces its candidates for the 2012 election season and vows to run the longest campaign ever. The ticket will be Gingrich/Palin and they have promised to nominate Ted Nugett as the Secretary of the Interior. They are going back to their conservative roots.




9. David Letterman finally realizes he isn't funny and hasn't been for years.




10. Sylvester Stallone makes another Rambo movie. This time he goes into Iraq to rescue his former compatriot's from a geriatric center in Baghdad.
    

Normal Chaos

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Ack, Eeeeeeeww, nasty............

Burger King’s new Flame body spray offers an eau de meat for men

Here's the Burger King mascot as you've never seen him. The company's Web site describes the product as a "scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

The way to a man's heart may be through his stomach, but the way to a woman's heart — according to Burger King — may be through a new meat-scented body spray.

Now I know this is a publicity stunt and American business is notorious for coming up with the ridiculous in order to sell. Advertisers are not even in new territory when trying to combine ridiculousness and sex to sell their wares, but there is a line someplace and this just crossed it. It does more than that even, is it just me or this nauseatingly creepy. They could scar an entire generation with this thing. I mean really, a hint of meat?

Will my mate be more attracted to me if I smell like a cooked up dead cow? I doubt it. I think I might have an issue with confused flies and maggots maybe, smells like dead cow looks like the Frisch's Big Boy only bald, poor flies wont know what to think.

Will single guys attract that oh so special somebody by emitting the aroma of fast food?

What next, an entire line of meat product perfume?

The whopper with onion maybe?

How about eau de swine sweat?

Or par fume de giblet (pronounce gibe- lay of course)

And the concept of the meat scent is bad enough, but they couldn't stop there could they? They had to go one step farther. Check out the actual commercial that is online about this product. (firemeetsdesire.com )

After the intro, click on the top of the spay bottle. Go ahead, I'll wait here for you to come back. Oh, take a brown bag to the site with you, you'll need it.

Okay, now that your back, if you clicked on the sprayer enough times you find the scene that the above screen shot is clipped from. Mr. King, nearly naked, patting the edge of the bed inviting us to join him. Crrrreeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I don't get advertising, but making stomach's churn does not seem to be the best way to push your food product. Maybe there is a whole demographic out there that finds burger scented men sexy, what do I know?

I think I am having a salad for supper is what I think.

One last parting shot. If food scents like meat fragrance are sexy, then when my farts smell like cabbage and boiled eggs am I bordering on irresistible?

No?

Waking up dead............

As I was sleep driving on my way into work this morning I took a brief walk back through my life and wondered if I stayed asleep would I look back on my life and have regrets. I woke up, just before my exit, with a sorted melancholy feeling and an answer that was both yes, and no, sorta.


Well, I guess this post is kind of a delayed, I just turned 40, midlife melodramatic crisis of sorts. I turned 40 back in September, (regret number 1 is that I forgot to renew my drivers license before then) and I was a little too pre-occupied with external stimuli to really feel any feelings that were my own. With the constant drama that is a 5 year old princess, and the family health issues that dominate my every waking moment I had just put me on hold for the moment. I didn't realize that I had stopped breathing for a couple of months until those handy little vibrating road edge markers woke me up this morning. Its not unusual for me to clock out for a few on the way into work, but this morning was a little too dramatic because the last thing I remember was the fast lane, the next thing was the edge markers on the right side of the road. Suddenly I was wide awake, I love the smell of adrenaline in the morning, or was that the smell of urine about to soak my green and red Grinch boxers? Either way, it spooked me a bit. I hope soaking them in Tide gets the skid mark out because the Grinch boxers are my favorite, Gracie bought them for me for Christmas last year and they are one of only a few that the elastic is not wearing out on yet.

Moving on, I took some time today to look backwards at my life and wonder if I have any regrets about what is past.

I think I regret growing up the most. If that sounds strange its because it is. I don't really recall a childhood, I grew up too fast. I don't really remember ever being just a care free kid, just go play and enjoy the moment kind of kid. I worried too much, planned too much, and concerned myself with things beyond my control too much. If I had it to do all again, I wouldn't take life so serious too soon. Planning career moves in elementary school is just not necessary.

I think I regret being a social mutant as well. This fact is an off shoot of the the above regret. I have never felt like I had an abundance of friends that were all my own. Usually I feel like I have a friend or three that are mine and the rest are friends of friends that I get to spend some time with. Growing up I had one friend (Dawg) maybe two and the other couple of guys I hung around with were their friends, just hanging around with me. As for female friends, being the moustache-e-ode feathered haired pot bellied Casanova that I was , they were few and far between.

I regret growing old too. I know, what are my options right? My body feels older than it really is, much older. To my way of thinking, as convoluted as it is, having arthritis, stomach issues, aching bones and baldness are things that shouldn't have happened before I turned 40. Some of these things are created by my own ignorance as I abused my body in my earlier years.

I regret I feel like I spent my youth as different characters from the Wizard of Oz. I spent a great deal of time as the Scarecrow (sing it with me, 'If I only had a brain') This was the point that I was wondering around questioning the purpose of life, why I was here, what should I do, who would notice if I wasn't here (a la , Its a Wonderful Life) I spent years as the Lion as well. I was scared of everything, scared of failure and frighted of success because with it came responsibility and that scared me even more. I cowered away from anything I wasn't comfortable with, and that was most things. Some people call this shyness, its more than that. I always had Tin Man issues growing up. I didn't want to get too close to people because I didn't know how to feel emotions properly. I couldn't bring myself to attach, commit, bond and love. There were also a lot of uncomfortable times when I felt like Toto. I needed carried around, I wanted to be carried around in the safety of a little basket with a lid on it so I could hide when witches and flying monkeys were around. My close friends did this for me and sheltered me from the monkeys when need be.

Finally, or in conclusion, or something like that. Finally I discovered the yellow brick road. At the end of the yellow brick road is not a Wizard, no. There is not a strange little man behind the curtain either. Behind the curtain, seated on His throne was God. ( and the curtain was torn and fell away)

God's first statement to me was something along the lines," Glad your here, took you long enough"
His next phrase was something like, " don't worry about anything, I'll handle it from here"

Then He gave the Lion courage by bringing me to problems and bringing me through them.
-- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Then He gave the Tin Man a heart by teaching me about Love.
--For God so loved the world...................

Then He gave the Scarecrow a brain by teaching me how to listen and learn and that there is a purpose for me being here.
-- I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to harm you.
The He gave comfort to Toto by telling me that I would always be safe and that He would carry me whenever it was needed. He told me not to be afraid of the flying monkeys of life.
-- I will raise a standard against the enemies.

Then, and most importantly, he gave me Grace.

I regret it took so long to find the yellow brick road, but you know what, I would do it all again, flying monkeys included, if it brings me back to this same place, this place in His Grace.
I have no plans to run out and buy a sports car or anything else silly like that, I will just work through this midlife crisis thing and move on. I may have to play Toto and get carried for a minute or two, but I know He will carry me through this just like he has carried me though everything else up till now.


Let us dance before Him.

I wonder if Heaven is anything like Oz. I mean think about it, yellow brick road (streets of gold) Emerald City, ( walls built of jewels), and the witch was destroyed by water (the Water of Life) Makes you think doesnt it.

Monster B Gone

It has been and interesting week at the Wilson's. Gracie got to cheer at her first basketball game this Saturday. I use the terms 'cheer' and 'game' rather loosely in this application. The game was started at 6:30 PM, which was a little late for the little ones. Gracie had a few issues, comical issues but issues none the less. First one was that the girls, all 5 of them, were not overly accustomed to the surrounding of a basketball game, so when the coach had them sit in a row beyond the end line (only about 3 feet of space before the wall) and wait for the previous game to be over, the girls did just that. They sat, and as little girls are want to do, they talked and giggled. Notice that I didn't say they were watching the game because they were not. Due to their lack of awareness, naturally, three of the five got balls bounced off of them. Nobody got hurt, therefore, it was just another cool thing for them to giggle and talk about.

Gracie was not one of the three to take a header compliments of the sixth grade basketball team. However, this event made her leery of the players and more focused on the game. Too focused on the game as it would turn out. When the coach lined them up she put Gracie, who is 4 to 6 inches shorter than the rest, at the end of the line, right next to the basket. Gracie didn't pay any attention to the coach at this point and just intently watched the ball. When players got near her she would back away from her spot and flinch if they drew to close with the ball in their hands. The coach soon decided that maybe lining them up from shortest to tallest would be a better idea and brought Gracie down to first in line, right next to her. Gracie did much better in this spot.

Now we come home and go to bed. Gracie is tired and so am I. After having been in bed for about an hour I see her perched sheepishly at the top of the stairs. She has "B" (her blanket) wrapped around her face just above her nose and she is carrying Bitty (her stuffed Bischon puppy) and is looking down at me. I call her down the stairs and she slowly comes down and crawls up into my lap and lays her head on my shoulder and snuggles in. Hmmm, something is amiss here. It might be time for (dumt dumt dumt dah) Super Plumber Ninja Dad to save the day. I ask the fine citizen what can I do for her. Short answer, bad dreams, again. Long answer, which is what we got, went something like this.

"Well, uhm, daddy, uhm, sometimes, uhm, you know, uhm, ( right about now I think she could be a speech writer for Obama) I haven't watched the, uhm, Disney princess show, you know, uh, the one with the scary witch, uh, and uhm, the things popping out, uh, in a very long really long time uhm, I haven't, but at school, the have a princess book with, uhm, witches and stuff, and uh, sometimes, I know I shouldn't, but, I know your going to tell me, um, they arent real, it just a cartoon, uh, but, I still, I, uhm, when I dream about them, I, uhm, I scared. So, I just wanted, uh, I know Jesus keeps me safe uhm, and you will keep......................"

At this point I interrupted her. Super Plumber Ninja Dad has an idea. First I asked what in the dream scared her. The answer was ," witches and wolf-is"

Okay, time to spring into action with my cat like reflexes, or in this case, turn her over to .......................... Super Facebook Samurai Mom.

While I cuddle the little citizen and keep her safe and cozy, mom goes into the other room and comes back with a spray bottle, not just any spray bottle mind you. This is a very special spray bottle. As momma explains, this bottle is filled with Monster Repellent, or Monster Be Gone. All a citizen needs to do is spray it around her room and she can run off all the withes, wolf-is, or other creatures that keep kids away at night. It smells nice and it runs off monsters. (its actually a bottle of Febreze fabric freshener.) My trusty side kick is ready to put her plan into action. The two of them bound up the steps and Gracie takes control of her dreams by hosing down her room in freshness. Gracie is happy and goes to sleep. Super Facebook Samurai Mom is happy she has conquered, and the house is again quiet.

Ever since that night, Gracie's room and bedding is oh so fresh...........

Guy shopping

My friend Amy(HT to Amy) had a nice post about how difficult it is not to be sucked into overspending, particularly during this time of year. We, the consumers, are berated with every known means of coercion to spend spend spend and buy buy buy. We even convince ourselves that we are just doing our part to stimulate the economy and help out the retailers. The problem, however, is that in overspending we create too much debt. Now the banks have traditionally enjoyed our pain in this this area because the more debt we have the more money they make, but now we don't seem to be able to pay it all back and the banks are no longer happy with our out of control spending habits. We can swear off overspending all together, but my guess is that for most people that will be as effective as a New Years Resolution. I have come to save the day. I have some simple rules that will curb the tide and end this evil cycle of impulse buying.

Welcome to Guy Shopping 101.

All of the worlds economic problems can be laid square at the feet, or dare I say heels, of women. That is correct ladies, you are the reason for the national debt, you are the reason for the bank failures, you are the reason the big three are going under, you my lovely female friends are the root of all economic evil. How are responsible for all these things? You simply don't know how to shop, you have perverted shopping into an 'experience', you have turned shopping into a 'competitive sport', you have corrupted the word 'shopping' and gave it a meaning as if it were an event. That is not what shopping is ladies. We can cure all the economic ills of the world if you will just put on your big girl panties and learn to shop correctly. You must learn the fine art of Guy Shopping.

Here are the rules.

1. Number one, shop with a purpose and only with a purpose. When you shop you should behave as though you are on a mission. Seek out the fulfillment of your mission and when it is accomplished you are done, head to the checkout, pay and leave. Mission accomplished. Example: You are cold, go into the store and buy a coat, exit the store and you are not cold anymore. Mission accomplished. You do NOT go look at purses that match your new coat, the purse doesn't apply to the problem, it will not make you not cold. You do not need to go look at shoes that match either, same reason. You do not need to look at the sale rack because 'heck I'm already here I might as well'!


2. Number two, eliminate any and all opportunities to be tempted into a purchase. In order to do this you must be savvy and controlled. Only shop at store you know your way around in and take the most direct route to your destination. The stores know this is difficult, that is why they put all those tempting sale items on end caps that you walk by on the way to your destination. Do not stop and look at them. You need to have disciplined tunnel vision and see nothing until you reach your item.


3. Number three, Never ever ever do the 'stand and stare'. The stand and stare is what happens when you reach your intended destination and you stand in front of your choices trying to decide which one to purchase. If you do the 'stand and stare' for more than 10 seconds you need assistance from a buddy to drag you to safety because you have just become a victim. You mind will begin to race and you will be overwhelmed with anxiety as you try to choose. You will end up thinking about accessory options and buyers remorse, and what if I make the wrong choice or what if I see it cheaper tomorrow or someplace else. Ugh, lady your buying a pair of socks not a Lincoln Continental, if there are two socks, they fit and your feet are cold, buy the dang gum socks and move out of the aisle.


4. Number four, a truly successful guy shopping experience is one of those rare occurrences when you complete your mission with only one stop in continual motion. When we can walk into a store, grab a cart that some stand and stare person walked away from so we don't have to stop there (its okay, they stand there so long they forget they even had a cart) and proceed to 2 or three places inside the store and pick up our items off the shelf as we walk buy and toss it into the cart whilst it is still moving. We then carefully plot our way back to the check out while avoiding the 'stand and stares' the ' lets discuss it with aunt Betty's ' and the 'middle of the aisle is a good place to phone home' people. Once arriving at the check out we will dutifully pick the lane with the cutest young girl, er, maybe the shortest line, yeah, that's it, the shortest line. When we walk up, man card in hand, we will stop for the first time since arriving, Mission success.


5. Number five, women nag at men and give us a hard time because we don't like to ask for directions. Well ladies, here is the thing. We can read a map and use a compass and if you will just quiet yourselves for a moment we will find our way. You, however, will refuse to admit your shortcomings during a shopping expedition. If a guy walks into a store and needs help, we will seek help immediately. We will not wonder aimlessly hoping to find something useful or something on sale, we will seek professional assistance post haste. I don't care if I am buying a gun or a bra, a power tool or a Christmas dress for Miss Gracie. If I need help, I get it, guys just shop that way. Example: I walked into Best Buy on black Friday this year at 8:30 AM. I needed to buy a new remote control, ours died and we couldn't change the channel without it. (no ladies, it doesn't have a manual button or I would have been happy) I walked into the store and approached a counter that had employees behind it. I bellied up to the bar, picked out a friendly face and stared at him until he was uncomfortable enough with my presents to ask if he could help me. I pulled the broken unit out of my pants pocket and said, "its broken" He took me 12 paces to an aisle that had twelve options. I said" which ones do what this does" He pointed out three options, I picked the cheapest and I am done. I picked up a previously planned gift card on the way out, without stopping in the aisle (yeah me) and left with no other delays or purchases. Second example. I walked into Lane Bryant to purchase a requested sweater for my lovely wife. I successfully attracted the attention of not one, not two, but three employees as I approached. I managed to work with two out of the three and called home on my blue tooth, relayed information back and forth and purchased the perfect little treasure in under 10 minutes. Bottom line ladies, use the employees, that's what they are there for, they would rather chat and joke with you than count boxes and straighten bags.


6. Number six is a space issue. When shopping, always be aware of your surroundings. Never stop in doorways, never stop in middle of high traffic zones or at the end of escalators. When your done paying, move forward at least a few feet to check your receipt and enter your check. I understand you don't want to get to the car and find an error, but give the next guy two feet anyway.

All right ladies, repeat after me.

If I don't look at it, I cant buy it. Say it with me now.

If I don't look at it I cant buy it.

Good job.

Just because its on sale doesn't mean I need it. I know its tough, but just say it with me.

Just because I can get a discount if I buy two doesn't mean I saved money unless I really need two, and I never really need two unless it comes in a pair, like socks.

That's it for this edition of saving the world through proper shopping. Give it try ladies, you will be surprised how much more time you have for laundry when you don't spend it shopping. And buy the way, shopping isn't exercise, ironing is exercise.

Speaking of laundry, the buzzer just went off and I need to get Angie's sweater out before it wrinkles, gotta go.

Church Crisis update

I went to a meeting last night about re-financing the note that has been called on the church. The meeting was run mostly by a man in banking whose was surprised to learn that the Sheriff's auction is only a few weeks away on Jan. 5Th. I say this man is in banking because my impression of him is that he is not a banker. This is what he does, not who he is. My impression is that he is a mighty warrior who has chosen to join us in this battle. He has been a guarantor in his own church when they were expanding and in tough times. He knows what is taking place and is willing to do what he can to help us win this battle, but time is growing short.

I formally drew my sword last night. My wife (jokingly) accused me of being a Pharisee and praying too loudly, but I prefer to look at it as being Peter. If I step out of the boat and don't sink to the bottom of the pond, maybe others will follow me.

As the battle rages on our side has taken some casualties. Some members have retreated from the battle after receiving too many wounds. I for one pray for their healing and hope they rejoin the flock once the battle is won.

Although the battle is not going well at the moment, and the darkness seems to be encroaching more and more, I received word yesterday that re-enforcements may be on the way. An older couple that we know are looking for someplace to attend church and have asked to join us one Sunday. I sense God at work in this. This couple are both fine children of God and their presence will be much welcomed at Crosspointe.

Praise Him in all things.
Amen.

"short on cash?"

I just stumbled on this very interestingly odd article.

Short on cash, some put a price on themselves
Lean times spur interest in payment for sperm, eggs, plasma — even hair

Link here ( http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28040824 )

" Seeking quick cash in a tanking financial market, would-be sellers of a variety of body products — sperm, eggs, blood plasma, even human hair — are filling waiting rooms and swamping agencies with inquiries."

"Increasingly, industry officials say people are hoping to trade spare body fluids, tissues and other parts for payments that can range from $20 to $50 a pop for blood plasma to $60 to $100 for a shot of sperm, $200 for a shiny ponytail and up to $7,000 for a fertile egg."

Oh where to start with this one? I guess the first oddity I would point out is the authors choice of adverbs in the above snippet. $50 a POP for plasma, choosing the word POP to associate with blood, fine choice I suppose, but then we have the next line. $100 a SHOT of sperm, choosing to apply the adverb SHOT in relation to sperm. I also notice that the sentence structure choice of this journalistic professional is also curious. Pop FOR plasma, vs. shot OF sperm. Curiouser and curiouser it would seem. An interestingly odd article indeed.

The article caught my attention with the title tag line of "short on cash?". Well of course, who isn't these days. I read the article hoping to find a little insightful wisdom that might lead to some course of action that I could engage in and make a couple of bucks. Please join me as I peruse through some of the options listed by this fine journalist.

1. I could sell some blood plasma. This is at the bottom end of the price range but it is worth considering. Just think, I could potentially save another human life by giving them just a little of my extra blood. I can make more after all. It only takes a few minutes to make the donation, there are plenty of places to go and make the donation, they let you lay down while your giving your donation, and they give you cookies and orange juice along with a cool little sticker when your done. Sounds simple enough, so will I be headed off to Hoxworth this weekend? Nope, I don't think so. Two reasons, first, the people in this area not only dont pay well for your blood, they pay in cookies. One pint translates into two Oreo's and 3 ounces of Sunny Delight. Now, before you go thinking I am all selfish and Scroogish, let me tell you reason number two. I have made a few donations to Hoxworth in the past, I even let them keep their cookies. The last time I went in, however, was the last time I will go in. The kind vampire nurse lady removed one nice pint from my left arm and deposited almost as much inside my left arm. She got just a little to happy with the needle and punctured something inside. My arm looked like the marshmallow treats in a bowl of lucky charms, with a heavy dose of the purple ones. I had yellow spots, green spots blue spots, purple spots, pink spots (frosted Lucky Charms, their magically delicious). My whole arm from my green knuckles to my pink arm pit was discolored and ached quite a bit. Not gonna risk that again



2. Next, lets talk about eggs. Well, being a guy, I don't have one of these precious little creations. I have been accused of laying an egg, but never of having one. I did notice that the 7 large offered was for a fertile egg, not a fertilized egg. Either way, however, I would have to question ones ethics if they simply sold off one of these little jewels to the highest bidder. I have no issue with donations to known folks for understood causes, but selling eggs is a bit to close to trafficking in children if done without some moral compass.



3. Now, lets talk about hair. I am bald so selling a twelve inch pony tail for a couple of saw bucks is also not in my future. If there is anyone out there who is in desperate need of a back hair transplant however, please feel free to call on me. I would make this donation on the cheap even. I also have nose hair and ear hair for sale if there is a market for it. I assure you I have plenty to spare. If you can wait a while, I will even regrow you a fresh crop. Maybe I should list this on Ebay, should be good for a buck or two don't ya think.



4. Well, I have saved the best of the journalists list for last. Now the extremely shy and demure can turn their heads and cough because its time to talk about sperm donations. I am a little too familiar with this procedure from back in the days when the wife and I were under the care of a fertility doctor. Nothing quite says romance like depositing your fellas in a glass container. Well, having spent a little time in the "donation room" let me tell you what they're are like on the inside. The first thing is that they are only semi-private. They tend to not have carpet, poor aim ya know. They are semi-private because the people in the waiting room and the nurse who directs you back know exactly what your doing, and the nurse waiting on the other side of the wall knows what your doing as they eagerly await you to place your fellas in the wall. Yes, I said in the wall, you see there is a little door mounted in the wall. You can open it from your side, set your beaker on the shelf and the lab tech can open the door on their side and remove your deposit. This keeps you from having to cart your fellas back through the waiting room and handing them over in person. There is actually a couch and a chair in the room, both made of fake leather. Easily sanitizable pleather should be a more accurate description. (This makes sure there is no left over butt sweat from the last guy) If I haven't taken this too far already, let me go farther. While I could potentially make about $600 bucks a month as a sperm donor, I will not be doing this either. A few reasons for this choice. First, the idea of a bunch of mini me's running around and me not even knowing them is a little too out there for me, not to mention not a good idea for the safety and comfort of the rest of the world. Second reason is, well, when people know what your doing, they like to wave hello, because nobody wants to shake your hand. Go figure. Lastly, I wouldn't pass the screening anyway. My fellas are not exactly the swim upstream rapidly type of guys. They are more the strap on a floaty and waft down the lazy river kind of guys. The few that are fast movers are what I would call Nascar fellas. The go really really fast, but they only turn left and swim in small circles. (technically speaking this is called poor motility).

Well, having exhausted this fine journalists list of possible body parts to auction off, I have a few suggestions of my own. I cant make a dime with the above suggestions, but with my suggestions I could easily retire in just a few years whilst working from home.

1. Did you know that crushed up toe nails and finger nails are actually an aphrodisiac? I could save the nail trimmings from my whole family for a year and pulverize them into a fine powder. Once pulverized I could encapsulate the mineral like substance and sell it to Bill Clinton for $10 a pill. (That would explain both Hillary and Monica if you asked me)



2. Next, I wonder if there is a market for extra elbow skin. This might be a painful procedure but if the cash is right I would be willing. The guy in need of the elbow skin would surely be willing to pay top dollar for it. ( If you don't get that, don't worry about it)



3. Whaling is an international crime. Whales are sought after for their blubber. I have about 20lbs I would be willing to sell to any whaling outfit that would be willing to pay the doctor who collects it. 20lbs may not seem like much in comparison to a whale, but its a lot safer and you don't get labels a pirate and hunted down by international Navy's for buying my belly blubber.



4. Last but not least, in today's super green eco-friendly environment of recycling at all costs, I have stumbled upon a potential biologically produced gold mine. My body produces a substance that when refined can be used anyplace that glue can be used. It is a biological adhesive. It can be processed to make tape sticky, it can be refined to be used from a bottle like Elmer's glue, it can be condensed into a super glue type of epoxy, it can even be used on the back of stamps. The best part is that my body produces a seemingly endless supply of this wonder substance. What is it you ask? Why its boogers of course. I produce something like a half pound of booger material a week. Ever get into your car and wonder what it is that makes your floor mates so sticky? You might have thought it was the scum off the road, or something that you stepped in. Nope, its all those boogers you drop in the floor. Don't shake your head like that, you know you do it too. People feel like they are alone when they are in their cars, so this is where most Americans take the time to clean out their nostrils. I don't know why we pick this place to pick our noses, but we do. We know other people can see us elbow deep in nasal mining, but they cant usually talk to us at 60 MPH so its like they aren't there. And what do we do with our crusty little prize. We exercise our wrist flicking skills and deposit this wonder matter on the floor of our cars. If every American were to go clean out there floorboards and recycle this emerald colored wonder, how much better off we would be.

Speaking of off,

I must be off (at least a little off I would say)

http://www.grandinncovina.com/Real%20Men%20of%20Genius/Mr%20In%20The%20Car%20Nose%20Picker.htm