As I was sleep driving on my way into work this morning I took a brief walk back through my life and wondered if I stayed asleep would I look back on my life and have regrets. I woke up, just before my exit, with a sorted melancholy feeling and an answer that was both yes, and no, sorta.
Well, I guess this post is kind of a delayed, I just turned 40, midlife melodramatic crisis of sorts. I turned 40 back in September, (regret number 1 is that I forgot to renew my drivers license before then) and I was a little too pre-occupied with external stimuli to really feel any feelings that were my own. With the constant drama that is a 5 year old princess, and the family health issues that dominate my every waking moment I had just put me on hold for the moment. I didn't realize that I had stopped breathing for a couple of months until those handy little vibrating road edge markers woke me up this morning. Its not unusual for me to clock out for a few on the way into work, but this morning was a little too dramatic because the last thing I remember was the fast lane, the next thing was the edge markers on the right side of the road. Suddenly I was wide awake, I love the smell of adrenaline in the morning, or was that the smell of urine about to soak my green and red Grinch boxers? Either way, it spooked me a bit. I hope soaking them in Tide gets the skid mark out because the Grinch boxers are my favorite, Gracie bought them for me for Christmas last year and they are one of only a few that the elastic is not wearing out on yet.
Moving on, I took some time today to look backwards at my life and wonder if I have any regrets about what is past.
I think I regret growing up the most. If that sounds strange its because it is. I don't really recall a childhood, I grew up too fast. I don't really remember ever being just a care free kid, just go play and enjoy the moment kind of kid. I worried too much, planned too much, and concerned myself with things beyond my control too much. If I had it to do all again, I wouldn't take life so serious too soon. Planning career moves in elementary school is just not necessary.
I think I regret being a social mutant as well. This fact is an off shoot of the the above regret. I have never felt like I had an abundance of friends that were all my own. Usually I feel like I have a friend or three that are mine and the rest are friends of friends that I get to spend some time with. Growing up I had one friend (Dawg) maybe two and the other couple of guys I hung around with were their friends, just hanging around with me. As for female friends, being the moustache-e-ode feathered haired pot bellied Casanova that I was , they were few and far between.
I regret growing old too. I know, what are my options right? My body feels older than it really is, much older. To my way of thinking, as convoluted as it is, having arthritis, stomach issues, aching bones and baldness are things that shouldn't have happened before I turned 40. Some of these things are created by my own ignorance as I abused my body in my earlier years.
I regret I feel like I spent my youth as different characters from the Wizard of Oz. I spent a great deal of time as the Scarecrow (sing it with me, 'If I only had a brain') This was the point that I was wondering around questioning the purpose of life, why I was here, what should I do, who would notice if I wasn't here (a la , Its a Wonderful Life) I spent years as the Lion as well. I was scared of everything, scared of failure and frighted of success because with it came responsibility and that scared me even more. I cowered away from anything I wasn't comfortable with, and that was most things. Some people call this shyness, its more than that. I always had Tin Man issues growing up. I didn't want to get too close to people because I didn't know how to feel emotions properly. I couldn't bring myself to attach, commit, bond and love. There were also a lot of uncomfortable times when I felt like Toto. I needed carried around, I wanted to be carried around in the safety of a little basket with a lid on it so I could hide when witches and flying monkeys were around. My close friends did this for me and sheltered me from the monkeys when need be.
Finally, or in conclusion, or something like that. Finally I discovered the yellow brick road. At the end of the yellow brick road is not a Wizard, no. There is not a strange little man behind the curtain either. Behind the curtain, seated on His throne was God. ( and the curtain was torn and fell away)
God's first statement to me was something along the lines," Glad your here, took you long enough"
His next phrase was something like, " don't worry about anything, I'll handle it from here"
Well, I guess this post is kind of a delayed, I just turned 40, midlife melodramatic crisis of sorts. I turned 40 back in September, (regret number 1 is that I forgot to renew my drivers license before then) and I was a little too pre-occupied with external stimuli to really feel any feelings that were my own. With the constant drama that is a 5 year old princess, and the family health issues that dominate my every waking moment I had just put me on hold for the moment. I didn't realize that I had stopped breathing for a couple of months until those handy little vibrating road edge markers woke me up this morning. Its not unusual for me to clock out for a few on the way into work, but this morning was a little too dramatic because the last thing I remember was the fast lane, the next thing was the edge markers on the right side of the road. Suddenly I was wide awake, I love the smell of adrenaline in the morning, or was that the smell of urine about to soak my green and red Grinch boxers? Either way, it spooked me a bit. I hope soaking them in Tide gets the skid mark out because the Grinch boxers are my favorite, Gracie bought them for me for Christmas last year and they are one of only a few that the elastic is not wearing out on yet.
Moving on, I took some time today to look backwards at my life and wonder if I have any regrets about what is past.
I think I regret growing up the most. If that sounds strange its because it is. I don't really recall a childhood, I grew up too fast. I don't really remember ever being just a care free kid, just go play and enjoy the moment kind of kid. I worried too much, planned too much, and concerned myself with things beyond my control too much. If I had it to do all again, I wouldn't take life so serious too soon. Planning career moves in elementary school is just not necessary.
I think I regret being a social mutant as well. This fact is an off shoot of the the above regret. I have never felt like I had an abundance of friends that were all my own. Usually I feel like I have a friend or three that are mine and the rest are friends of friends that I get to spend some time with. Growing up I had one friend (Dawg) maybe two and the other couple of guys I hung around with were their friends, just hanging around with me. As for female friends, being the moustache-e-ode feathered haired pot bellied Casanova that I was , they were few and far between.
I regret growing old too. I know, what are my options right? My body feels older than it really is, much older. To my way of thinking, as convoluted as it is, having arthritis, stomach issues, aching bones and baldness are things that shouldn't have happened before I turned 40. Some of these things are created by my own ignorance as I abused my body in my earlier years.
I regret I feel like I spent my youth as different characters from the Wizard of Oz. I spent a great deal of time as the Scarecrow (sing it with me, 'If I only had a brain') This was the point that I was wondering around questioning the purpose of life, why I was here, what should I do, who would notice if I wasn't here (a la , Its a Wonderful Life) I spent years as the Lion as well. I was scared of everything, scared of failure and frighted of success because with it came responsibility and that scared me even more. I cowered away from anything I wasn't comfortable with, and that was most things. Some people call this shyness, its more than that. I always had Tin Man issues growing up. I didn't want to get too close to people because I didn't know how to feel emotions properly. I couldn't bring myself to attach, commit, bond and love. There were also a lot of uncomfortable times when I felt like Toto. I needed carried around, I wanted to be carried around in the safety of a little basket with a lid on it so I could hide when witches and flying monkeys were around. My close friends did this for me and sheltered me from the monkeys when need be.
Finally, or in conclusion, or something like that. Finally I discovered the yellow brick road. At the end of the yellow brick road is not a Wizard, no. There is not a strange little man behind the curtain either. Behind the curtain, seated on His throne was God. ( and the curtain was torn and fell away)
God's first statement to me was something along the lines," Glad your here, took you long enough"
His next phrase was something like, " don't worry about anything, I'll handle it from here"
Then He gave the Lion courage by bringing me to problems and bringing me through them.
-- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Then He gave the Tin Man a heart by teaching me about Love.
--For God so loved the world...................
Then He gave the Scarecrow a brain by teaching me how to listen and learn and that there is a purpose for me being here.
-- I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to harm you.
The He gave comfort to Toto by telling me that I would always be safe and that He would carry me whenever it was needed. He told me not to be afraid of the flying monkeys of life.
-- I will raise a standard against the enemies.
Then, and most importantly, he gave me Grace.
I regret it took so long to find the yellow brick road, but you know what, I would do it all again, flying monkeys included, if it brings me back to this same place, this place in His Grace.
I have no plans to run out and buy a sports car or anything else silly like that, I will just work through this midlife crisis thing and move on. I may have to play Toto and get carried for a minute or two, but I know He will carry me through this just like he has carried me though everything else up till now.
Let us dance before Him.
I wonder if Heaven is anything like Oz. I mean think about it, yellow brick road (streets of gold) Emerald City, ( walls built of jewels), and the witch was destroyed by water (the Water of Life) Makes you think doesnt it.
1 comment:
That was wonderfully eloquent...and a most moving analogy to the characters of the Wizard of OZ, which we all grew up knowing so well, and your faith in Christ. You should publish this. Well done. Gracie will be proud.
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