Guy shopping

My friend Amy(HT to Amy) had a nice post about how difficult it is not to be sucked into overspending, particularly during this time of year. We, the consumers, are berated with every known means of coercion to spend spend spend and buy buy buy. We even convince ourselves that we are just doing our part to stimulate the economy and help out the retailers. The problem, however, is that in overspending we create too much debt. Now the banks have traditionally enjoyed our pain in this this area because the more debt we have the more money they make, but now we don't seem to be able to pay it all back and the banks are no longer happy with our out of control spending habits. We can swear off overspending all together, but my guess is that for most people that will be as effective as a New Years Resolution. I have come to save the day. I have some simple rules that will curb the tide and end this evil cycle of impulse buying.

Welcome to Guy Shopping 101.

All of the worlds economic problems can be laid square at the feet, or dare I say heels, of women. That is correct ladies, you are the reason for the national debt, you are the reason for the bank failures, you are the reason the big three are going under, you my lovely female friends are the root of all economic evil. How are responsible for all these things? You simply don't know how to shop, you have perverted shopping into an 'experience', you have turned shopping into a 'competitive sport', you have corrupted the word 'shopping' and gave it a meaning as if it were an event. That is not what shopping is ladies. We can cure all the economic ills of the world if you will just put on your big girl panties and learn to shop correctly. You must learn the fine art of Guy Shopping.

Here are the rules.

1. Number one, shop with a purpose and only with a purpose. When you shop you should behave as though you are on a mission. Seek out the fulfillment of your mission and when it is accomplished you are done, head to the checkout, pay and leave. Mission accomplished. Example: You are cold, go into the store and buy a coat, exit the store and you are not cold anymore. Mission accomplished. You do NOT go look at purses that match your new coat, the purse doesn't apply to the problem, it will not make you not cold. You do not need to go look at shoes that match either, same reason. You do not need to look at the sale rack because 'heck I'm already here I might as well'!


2. Number two, eliminate any and all opportunities to be tempted into a purchase. In order to do this you must be savvy and controlled. Only shop at store you know your way around in and take the most direct route to your destination. The stores know this is difficult, that is why they put all those tempting sale items on end caps that you walk by on the way to your destination. Do not stop and look at them. You need to have disciplined tunnel vision and see nothing until you reach your item.


3. Number three, Never ever ever do the 'stand and stare'. The stand and stare is what happens when you reach your intended destination and you stand in front of your choices trying to decide which one to purchase. If you do the 'stand and stare' for more than 10 seconds you need assistance from a buddy to drag you to safety because you have just become a victim. You mind will begin to race and you will be overwhelmed with anxiety as you try to choose. You will end up thinking about accessory options and buyers remorse, and what if I make the wrong choice or what if I see it cheaper tomorrow or someplace else. Ugh, lady your buying a pair of socks not a Lincoln Continental, if there are two socks, they fit and your feet are cold, buy the dang gum socks and move out of the aisle.


4. Number four, a truly successful guy shopping experience is one of those rare occurrences when you complete your mission with only one stop in continual motion. When we can walk into a store, grab a cart that some stand and stare person walked away from so we don't have to stop there (its okay, they stand there so long they forget they even had a cart) and proceed to 2 or three places inside the store and pick up our items off the shelf as we walk buy and toss it into the cart whilst it is still moving. We then carefully plot our way back to the check out while avoiding the 'stand and stares' the ' lets discuss it with aunt Betty's ' and the 'middle of the aisle is a good place to phone home' people. Once arriving at the check out we will dutifully pick the lane with the cutest young girl, er, maybe the shortest line, yeah, that's it, the shortest line. When we walk up, man card in hand, we will stop for the first time since arriving, Mission success.


5. Number five, women nag at men and give us a hard time because we don't like to ask for directions. Well ladies, here is the thing. We can read a map and use a compass and if you will just quiet yourselves for a moment we will find our way. You, however, will refuse to admit your shortcomings during a shopping expedition. If a guy walks into a store and needs help, we will seek help immediately. We will not wonder aimlessly hoping to find something useful or something on sale, we will seek professional assistance post haste. I don't care if I am buying a gun or a bra, a power tool or a Christmas dress for Miss Gracie. If I need help, I get it, guys just shop that way. Example: I walked into Best Buy on black Friday this year at 8:30 AM. I needed to buy a new remote control, ours died and we couldn't change the channel without it. (no ladies, it doesn't have a manual button or I would have been happy) I walked into the store and approached a counter that had employees behind it. I bellied up to the bar, picked out a friendly face and stared at him until he was uncomfortable enough with my presents to ask if he could help me. I pulled the broken unit out of my pants pocket and said, "its broken" He took me 12 paces to an aisle that had twelve options. I said" which ones do what this does" He pointed out three options, I picked the cheapest and I am done. I picked up a previously planned gift card on the way out, without stopping in the aisle (yeah me) and left with no other delays or purchases. Second example. I walked into Lane Bryant to purchase a requested sweater for my lovely wife. I successfully attracted the attention of not one, not two, but three employees as I approached. I managed to work with two out of the three and called home on my blue tooth, relayed information back and forth and purchased the perfect little treasure in under 10 minutes. Bottom line ladies, use the employees, that's what they are there for, they would rather chat and joke with you than count boxes and straighten bags.


6. Number six is a space issue. When shopping, always be aware of your surroundings. Never stop in doorways, never stop in middle of high traffic zones or at the end of escalators. When your done paying, move forward at least a few feet to check your receipt and enter your check. I understand you don't want to get to the car and find an error, but give the next guy two feet anyway.

All right ladies, repeat after me.

If I don't look at it, I cant buy it. Say it with me now.

If I don't look at it I cant buy it.

Good job.

Just because its on sale doesn't mean I need it. I know its tough, but just say it with me.

Just because I can get a discount if I buy two doesn't mean I saved money unless I really need two, and I never really need two unless it comes in a pair, like socks.

That's it for this edition of saving the world through proper shopping. Give it try ladies, you will be surprised how much more time you have for laundry when you don't spend it shopping. And buy the way, shopping isn't exercise, ironing is exercise.

Speaking of laundry, the buzzer just went off and I need to get Angie's sweater out before it wrinkles, gotta go.