"short on cash?"

I just stumbled on this very interestingly odd article.

Short on cash, some put a price on themselves
Lean times spur interest in payment for sperm, eggs, plasma — even hair

Link here ( http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28040824 )

" Seeking quick cash in a tanking financial market, would-be sellers of a variety of body products — sperm, eggs, blood plasma, even human hair — are filling waiting rooms and swamping agencies with inquiries."

"Increasingly, industry officials say people are hoping to trade spare body fluids, tissues and other parts for payments that can range from $20 to $50 a pop for blood plasma to $60 to $100 for a shot of sperm, $200 for a shiny ponytail and up to $7,000 for a fertile egg."

Oh where to start with this one? I guess the first oddity I would point out is the authors choice of adverbs in the above snippet. $50 a POP for plasma, choosing the word POP to associate with blood, fine choice I suppose, but then we have the next line. $100 a SHOT of sperm, choosing to apply the adverb SHOT in relation to sperm. I also notice that the sentence structure choice of this journalistic professional is also curious. Pop FOR plasma, vs. shot OF sperm. Curiouser and curiouser it would seem. An interestingly odd article indeed.

The article caught my attention with the title tag line of "short on cash?". Well of course, who isn't these days. I read the article hoping to find a little insightful wisdom that might lead to some course of action that I could engage in and make a couple of bucks. Please join me as I peruse through some of the options listed by this fine journalist.

1. I could sell some blood plasma. This is at the bottom end of the price range but it is worth considering. Just think, I could potentially save another human life by giving them just a little of my extra blood. I can make more after all. It only takes a few minutes to make the donation, there are plenty of places to go and make the donation, they let you lay down while your giving your donation, and they give you cookies and orange juice along with a cool little sticker when your done. Sounds simple enough, so will I be headed off to Hoxworth this weekend? Nope, I don't think so. Two reasons, first, the people in this area not only dont pay well for your blood, they pay in cookies. One pint translates into two Oreo's and 3 ounces of Sunny Delight. Now, before you go thinking I am all selfish and Scroogish, let me tell you reason number two. I have made a few donations to Hoxworth in the past, I even let them keep their cookies. The last time I went in, however, was the last time I will go in. The kind vampire nurse lady removed one nice pint from my left arm and deposited almost as much inside my left arm. She got just a little to happy with the needle and punctured something inside. My arm looked like the marshmallow treats in a bowl of lucky charms, with a heavy dose of the purple ones. I had yellow spots, green spots blue spots, purple spots, pink spots (frosted Lucky Charms, their magically delicious). My whole arm from my green knuckles to my pink arm pit was discolored and ached quite a bit. Not gonna risk that again



2. Next, lets talk about eggs. Well, being a guy, I don't have one of these precious little creations. I have been accused of laying an egg, but never of having one. I did notice that the 7 large offered was for a fertile egg, not a fertilized egg. Either way, however, I would have to question ones ethics if they simply sold off one of these little jewels to the highest bidder. I have no issue with donations to known folks for understood causes, but selling eggs is a bit to close to trafficking in children if done without some moral compass.



3. Now, lets talk about hair. I am bald so selling a twelve inch pony tail for a couple of saw bucks is also not in my future. If there is anyone out there who is in desperate need of a back hair transplant however, please feel free to call on me. I would make this donation on the cheap even. I also have nose hair and ear hair for sale if there is a market for it. I assure you I have plenty to spare. If you can wait a while, I will even regrow you a fresh crop. Maybe I should list this on Ebay, should be good for a buck or two don't ya think.



4. Well, I have saved the best of the journalists list for last. Now the extremely shy and demure can turn their heads and cough because its time to talk about sperm donations. I am a little too familiar with this procedure from back in the days when the wife and I were under the care of a fertility doctor. Nothing quite says romance like depositing your fellas in a glass container. Well, having spent a little time in the "donation room" let me tell you what they're are like on the inside. The first thing is that they are only semi-private. They tend to not have carpet, poor aim ya know. They are semi-private because the people in the waiting room and the nurse who directs you back know exactly what your doing, and the nurse waiting on the other side of the wall knows what your doing as they eagerly await you to place your fellas in the wall. Yes, I said in the wall, you see there is a little door mounted in the wall. You can open it from your side, set your beaker on the shelf and the lab tech can open the door on their side and remove your deposit. This keeps you from having to cart your fellas back through the waiting room and handing them over in person. There is actually a couch and a chair in the room, both made of fake leather. Easily sanitizable pleather should be a more accurate description. (This makes sure there is no left over butt sweat from the last guy) If I haven't taken this too far already, let me go farther. While I could potentially make about $600 bucks a month as a sperm donor, I will not be doing this either. A few reasons for this choice. First, the idea of a bunch of mini me's running around and me not even knowing them is a little too out there for me, not to mention not a good idea for the safety and comfort of the rest of the world. Second reason is, well, when people know what your doing, they like to wave hello, because nobody wants to shake your hand. Go figure. Lastly, I wouldn't pass the screening anyway. My fellas are not exactly the swim upstream rapidly type of guys. They are more the strap on a floaty and waft down the lazy river kind of guys. The few that are fast movers are what I would call Nascar fellas. The go really really fast, but they only turn left and swim in small circles. (technically speaking this is called poor motility).

Well, having exhausted this fine journalists list of possible body parts to auction off, I have a few suggestions of my own. I cant make a dime with the above suggestions, but with my suggestions I could easily retire in just a few years whilst working from home.

1. Did you know that crushed up toe nails and finger nails are actually an aphrodisiac? I could save the nail trimmings from my whole family for a year and pulverize them into a fine powder. Once pulverized I could encapsulate the mineral like substance and sell it to Bill Clinton for $10 a pill. (That would explain both Hillary and Monica if you asked me)



2. Next, I wonder if there is a market for extra elbow skin. This might be a painful procedure but if the cash is right I would be willing. The guy in need of the elbow skin would surely be willing to pay top dollar for it. ( If you don't get that, don't worry about it)



3. Whaling is an international crime. Whales are sought after for their blubber. I have about 20lbs I would be willing to sell to any whaling outfit that would be willing to pay the doctor who collects it. 20lbs may not seem like much in comparison to a whale, but its a lot safer and you don't get labels a pirate and hunted down by international Navy's for buying my belly blubber.



4. Last but not least, in today's super green eco-friendly environment of recycling at all costs, I have stumbled upon a potential biologically produced gold mine. My body produces a substance that when refined can be used anyplace that glue can be used. It is a biological adhesive. It can be processed to make tape sticky, it can be refined to be used from a bottle like Elmer's glue, it can be condensed into a super glue type of epoxy, it can even be used on the back of stamps. The best part is that my body produces a seemingly endless supply of this wonder substance. What is it you ask? Why its boogers of course. I produce something like a half pound of booger material a week. Ever get into your car and wonder what it is that makes your floor mates so sticky? You might have thought it was the scum off the road, or something that you stepped in. Nope, its all those boogers you drop in the floor. Don't shake your head like that, you know you do it too. People feel like they are alone when they are in their cars, so this is where most Americans take the time to clean out their nostrils. I don't know why we pick this place to pick our noses, but we do. We know other people can see us elbow deep in nasal mining, but they cant usually talk to us at 60 MPH so its like they aren't there. And what do we do with our crusty little prize. We exercise our wrist flicking skills and deposit this wonder matter on the floor of our cars. If every American were to go clean out there floorboards and recycle this emerald colored wonder, how much better off we would be.

Speaking of off,

I must be off (at least a little off I would say)

http://www.grandinncovina.com/Real%20Men%20of%20Genius/Mr%20In%20The%20Car%20Nose%20Picker.htm