Hallmark

For those of you who are avid greeting card senders, you know who you are, your the ones who send a birthday card signed by you and a paw print for you dog. Your the one one who sends cards on Arbor Day and Earth Day. Your the one who sends Christmas cards to people you haven't called on the phone in 5 years, if ever, and sends them to people you have never met. If you are this person, please don't be offended by what I write next. In fact, just stop reading now and come back later so that the rest of us can talk about you. I mean no disrespect by this, its just that your a victim and you wont understand. Maxine.com is an excellent blog for you to check out while the rest of us normal people talk about you, see you in a little while.

Buh bye now...........

Okay, now that "they" are gone, have you ever really thought about what you are doing when you buy, pick out, send a greeting card? Are we expressing some deep sentiment or are we even saying something like 'hay, your important enough that I just spent 3 minutes in hell (Hallmark store) and $3.99 plus 50 cents shipping to say this to you'

No says I. Why? Because we might have spent the 4 bucks plus the stamp, but WE didn't say squat. We paid that 4 bucks to have some generic verbiage penned by an college journalism student 2 decades ago written down to say something for us, so we didn't have to.

That's right, we send greeting cards for two reasons. First, to avoid actually having to engage the person we sent them to in person. Secondly is because we have been brainwashed and trained from a young age that "if you care, care enough to send the very best" I will address the conspiracy later in this post.

Lets talk about the avoidance issue first. My favorite example of this is the 'thinking of you' cards. What is that all about!!! You were thinking about me, what were you thinking? Well, I think you were thinking that it would be easier to send me some lame greeting card instead of actually calling to see how I was doing, that's what you were thinking. If you actually called you might get stuck in awkward conversations about what is really going on, like why you haven't called before now for starters.

Next we have Christmas cards from people I don't know. I look forward to my Christmas cards from Gracie's Hunan sisters because it is cool to see how they have grown. These cards are either picture post cards or have a family picture in them every year. I think this is appropriate and we oblige and usually do the same for them. Cards from cousins I haven't seen in decades and haven't spoken to EVER, on the other hand is just the greeting card industry selling 'indulgences' to help them not feel guilty. Well cousin whoever, let me save you 5 bucks, don't feel guilty, I haven't called you either, its really not an issue so don't worry about it. Save a tree and don't send me a card. Let me be honest about what happens to the card, I open it, read the signature, check for something in the envelope (picture, check, anthrax powder etc) and toss card in garbage without reading anything printed on it. I will read written words, but I rarely read the printed stuff. The only exception to this rule is my wife, in case she quizzes me later.

Now we have the anniversary cards. Is it just me, or is there a certain irony involved in the delicate task of anniversary cards. Most of the time a card arrives, addressed to both married people, and the sender usually doesn't like or doesn't know the other half of the wedded couple. Maybe this one is just me.

Last, and my all time fav is the sympathy card. I know the people who send these out have the best intentions in mind so I give them credit for making an effort, but, (and you knew there would be a but) there are a few rules you, the sender, need to keep in mind. Rule number one, if you didn't know or didn't like the deceased person, don't act like you do now. Rule number two, if you wouldn't send me flowers any other time, now is not good either. In fact let me change this around a little, rules for when I die.

1. If you didn't take the time to come visit when I was alive, stay home now, don't come to see how 'lifelike' I look in a casket.



2. If you didn't cry with me when I was alive, don't get your tears all over my casket now either, face it, you ain't gonna miss me that much.



3. If you didn't send me flowers before, don't send them now. Addendum to this rule, if you didn't send flowers because your a guy and its just creepy to send another guy flowers, I would agree with you, but what I am saying is that its still creepy so thanks but no thanks. My friends and I exchange things in life besides flowers, if we ever bought each other a beer, bring a Hudy to the funeral and that would be fine. Some of us guys randomly gift things to each other like knives, magazines, head blades, baseball cards, etc etc... I wont be needing to shave or gut a fish while napping until judgement day so just being there to give me a parting high five will be sufficient.



4. Don't send sympathy cards, just don't. Stop by and spend some time with whatever family I leave behind, help them out, be with them, but don't send the card, please.



5. Lastly, I would like to ask any and all whom might attend my last day in flesh above ground to keep this in mind. I would like to think that I am not dead, but just asleep and waiting to hear the words, " well done my good and faithful servant" With this in mind, I would like to not have to sleep thru too somber an event. I will be looking at my death as awaiting a victory celebration. In that vain, there is something that I have always wanted to experience. An odd cultural celebration of victory that takes place all over the NFL and NCAA football fields. That is correct, I have always wanted to be the victim of the Gatorade shower. Maybe, just maybe, one of my friends can dump a five gallon bucket of ice and Gatorade in my casket before it gets closed. It could start a new trend, who knows.

BUT, I digress. Moving on now...

The second issue with greeting cards is that we are brainwashed from a very young age to feel the need to send this devilish little paper products. Starting in pre-school, kids are encouraged to have their parents run out and get boxes of those goofy little Valentine cards so that they can pass them out to every kid in there class and have a few left over to pass out in the neighborhood. This is just one example of the indoctrination of our youth by the greeting card industry. Just think about it, have you ever really thought about why you send this things? You don't think about it, you just feel like your supposed to do it, don't you.

One last comment, I do sent the occasional card, not sure why, I just do. Mothers day and Fathers day come to mind here. When you pick a card, do you spend your time trying to find the one that says just the right thing, or are you more like me, and just try to find the one that doesn't say the wrong thing?