Black Friday

I have never been out shopping in the madness known as Black Friday, that is until this year. Yes, I know its not correct, but the curiosity finally got the best of me. I yearn to experience as much of life as I possibly can ( within some moral and legal limits mind you ) so I felt this was something that I was just missing out on. I know its traditionally a 'girl' thing as well but I just wanted to find out what its all about. I don't take Christmas shopping too seriously most of the time because my wife is easy to buy for :

1. Vera Bradley
2. Bling Bling
3. Estee Lauder
4. Nothing with a cord
5. Nothing that requires work
6. Anything Mac/Apple/ I-phone related.

Those are the rules and she is happy. ( Happy wife/happy life. (psssst, that's BS by the way)) Gracie isn't too hard to buy for either because these days she sees commercials and she has friends who have stuff she doesn't , so just listen to the " I want ....................." and there ya go. This year and last year have been pretty financially troubled so that's my whole list to buy for. This year my wife wont be getting anything from her list because the $ just isn't there. Gracie gets 3 things for Christmas, we do this to help tie Jesus into the season for her. Having said all this, shopping should be reasonably affordable and the list is short, so I decided this year was the year to venture into the mayhem and foolishness.

I did go about this in a rather male-brain sort of way however. I planned ahead in a logical manner, mapped out my movements, planned my purchases, etc. I checked out adds, and went online to find the items I was searching for. I even went so far as to call one of the stores, find out what time they opened and verified that they did indeed have the item I was interested in and that they had several of them. I was rather pleased with myself at this point, but ( and you who've been out on Black Friday are already laughing at me) this effort was pointless and the effort that I needed to engage in went undone.

Lesson one, actually go to the store to verify not only the existence of the item, but more importantly the exact location of the item. Why you ask? Well, I called and talked to Neil at Gamestop to make sure they had a PINK refurbished DS Lite for Gracie, and the accessories and games to go with it. Neil told me that he had 8 to choose from, plenty of games and accessories and they opened at 6 but there was no need to be there that early for this item. Well my silly ignorant self listened to Neil. More on that in a minute.

So, Black Friday morning 5 AM. I arise, gird my loins and prepare myself for the butt whoopin' I am about to receive. I proudly observe that I am up early and the entire neighborhood is dark. I later realize that is because the other Black Friday shoppers have left long ago, and the rest of the normal people are still snug in their beds with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. I put on my Kevlar under britches, grab a can of mace and put 911 on my speed dial, now I am ready to head to Walmart. I figure I can hit Walmart at 5:45 and still be at Gamestop by 6:30. ( stop laughing, I only wanted one thing from Walmart, it wasn't like I was going to walk around and look at stuff and Gamestop is in the same area so how long could it take?)

As I arrive at the scene of the conflict I am surprised that I cannot even park with 1/2 mile or better of Walmart.

Lesson two: If I had really needed to go to Walmart I would need a driver to circle around, drop me off and then initiate a holding pattern like a bank robber. Once leaving I could phone the get away driver to come past and I could run out into the fray and dive in the backseat without the car ever actually stopping.

I decided that my rotund,bald, flat footed and yet sexy frame of a man didn't really need to go into Walmart after all. If I did it would through my schedule off by hours and I still had places I needed to go. So I went on over to Gamestop since it hadn't opened yet. Oh, wait a minute, Neil said they open at 6, its only 5:45 and they are crowded out the door. How can this be? Did Neil lie to me? No, Neil didn't lie, they had to open early because of the crowd, didn't want anybody getting hurt. I manage to worm, (yes worm, walk isn't possible in this sea of humanity) into the store. I make my first observation, if somebody yells fire, we are all gonna die trying to squeeze back out of here. My second observation is that I cant actually shop in here (see Lesson one) because I cant move around and find what I need. This is a problem, I don't know what games I need to get, where the accessories are, or where the DS itself is.

Now its time to rely on the Christmas kindness of other more experienced shoppers. I have learned that "find the moms" is always a good shopping rule, the more kids the moms have, the more likely they are to be able to help, but sometimes the more kids they have, the less willing they are to help. I spot a mom with 2 daughters, I figure she is in the safe zone, enough kids to know how to help, not so many she is going to poke me in the eye for getting in her zip code. She is pressed up against the wall sorting through the game selection and her two daughters (age 8 and 12) are sitting on the floor going through the lower racks. I say something helpless and ignorant sounding and much to my glorious happiness they take pity on me, the poor lost dad who should have had enough sense to stay home. As I beam inside that my minor deception has worked (I really am not that helpless and ignorant, that's my story and I'm sticking to it) the nice lady informs me that the DS are behind the counter, and asks how old my child is and what gender or what genre of games. I said she is 6 and likes littlest pet shops. Each child setting in the floor then sticks up a hand with a game in it, one Littlest Pet Shop adventure and one Princess something or other, one more and I am done. Mom hands me the third seconds later, and I am off to get in line.

I now spend the next 35 minutes in line with nose jammed into the bouffant in front of me while trying to spot the accessories out the side of my eye because peripheral vision is all I had, not being able to move and all. I do wish she had used a little less hairspray, it was pokin me in the eye and making me want to sneeze. If I had sneezed, I think she may have turned and beat me to death with her purse, but I wasn't going to find out. Remember the scene from Finding Nemo when Dori gets into the net with the Tuna and tells them all to just keep swimming? Yeah, that's the line at Gamestop, I was a tuna. I finally get to the front of the line and ask him about the 8 PINK DS refurbs, he tells me he has two left and I check them out and pick and pay. Doing my best Sweetness impersonation I stiff arm a teen and do a spin move on a mom and plow through the line to reach the door. Touchdown, I am outside, and can breath again.

I then head to Children's Place to buy some clothes for Gracie. Not a chance of seeing any dads in there, trust me. I am headed into enemy territory, the moms only zone, buying clothes for a little girl. I do enjoy the oddity of it all though, and I do pretty well picking clothes for Gracie. I just have enough sense to get help, both finding things and making sure they work together. On Black Friday I got almost $200 worth of stuff for $50, I was happy. Nothing too extraordinary happened after this point, but the deals were worth the effort, so I will do it again.

Next year I am thinking of either a seeing eye dog to help me get better parking, ( that might not work, blind people don't drive much so I don't know that anybody will buy that one), or maybe renting a wheel chair and asking someone in the store to be my shopping assistant, that might work.

"Til the break of day"

I have been in a transitional period for some time now. I have not always been aware of it on a conscious level, but that doesn't make it any less real. I want to start this post by once again talking about Jacob and the wrestling match he engaged in. I have posted a few times about this subject in the past, you can review my thoughts here if you wish. ( to my Facebook friends, sometimes the links don't transfer, so if this link didn't then you will need to go to my actual blog to see the other post.)

Okay, this is going to be one of those whiny, raw, theologically disturbed ( not to mention mentally challenged) posts, just so you have been warned.

Jacob wrestled with a man, or so it starts. In life we wrestle with things, things we don't always understand but in so we battle. We often give our battles names or representations that we are familiar with, like Jacob labeling his conflict with 'man'. Jacob wrestles in the night, or more accurately, in the darkness. As the battle moves on Jacob slowly begins to understand it is not a man at all that he is wrestling (resisting), but now he calls it the Angel of the Lord. In the end Jacob gives up his resistance and in so doing realized that he was battling against God himself. As he gives in, the Morning Sun is rising. Jacob has battled "Til the break of day". Jacob is given a new name, he is a new being. He has succumbed to God's will.

What this text doesn't say is that after you, we, I have wrestled though the night and now you, we, I walk in the Light with Christ as our Saviour, we shouldn't have any more battles should we? The text doesn't warn us (at this point) that there are more battles yet ahead of us. Just when you thought it was going to get easier, in reality it is going to get much more difficult.

You see, before daybreak, the demons didn't worry about you much, you were no threat, you were theirs. God was working on you to bring you to Him. Now that we have entered the light, the demons are working on you all the time, deceiving you, misleading you, etc. However, the Holy Spirit is now convicting you as well, and just to add a little more to it, man shuns you as well. So much for easier......

I don't know about you, but I could have used a little warning that the demons are smarter than me. I don't know why I am surprised by this, but I guess maybe I am not as smart as I thought I was. I thought my main battle would be against man, and honestly, I couldn't care less. I read the scripture that warned me that man would ridicule me for my faith, that I would be hated because of Him and all that. Well, I feel like most people don't like me much anyway, so if they have a new reason not to like me, not much difference there. I was willing and I thought able to take on persecution by man. I was willing and able to wrestle the man. Well, like Jacob, I am slowly getting the point that once again its not man I am resisting. Seemed to me that this battle only was supposed to happen once, but I am learning that this is not the case.

Let us have a metaphor, I love metaphors. We have all heard, (most of us anyway) how once Jesus is in our lives as our Redeemer, He will walk with us and guide us through all things. We simply need to focus on Him to find our way. We have heard the poem called footprints in the sand. of how He walks with us. We also have been told He will guide us if we focus on Him, take the narrow path, not the wide path with the big gate. I feel like Jesus sometimes leaves my side and runs out in front me. Once He gets aways out in front of my path He gets down on His hands and knees and waits. When I come up on Him, one of two things happens, I either am focused on Him and stop in front of Him, or I don't see Him and trip right over Him planting my face in the sand. Of course, being a kind soul, He will AGAIN pick me up and dust me off. I know He only does this to alter my path back towards the narrow road, but geez I wish He would just send me a postcard with new Mapquest directions instead of knocking me over. Hmm, let me think about that for a minute. Maybe that is the problem, yep I thought about it, that's that problem.

The post card came in the mail, but I just tossed it aside with the bills I cant pay and didn't read it. That is one thing that has been missing for the last 2 years or so. I have to get back into reading the mail God sends me. ( for the slower folks, I need a daily dose of His Word which I have been too lax on for too long.) I opened my bible this week and have begun to read Mathew all over again. Its not that I don't know the story, its that God cant speak to me if I don't listen. He hates not being listened too as much as I do, ironic isn't it. Speaking of irony, the first two nights I tried to read I started reading in bed. Both nights I had to quit reading to change the sheets because one of our dogs decided to pee right in the middle of the bed. Damn demons will stoop to anything to keep me from figuring out what is going wrong. Well, take note, I didn't give up reading, and will not give it up this time no matter how much you pee in my bed !!

Have I gleaned anything new in the first 12 chapters of Mathew?

Yes............

Things like wolves wearing sheep's clothing, and know a tree by the fruit it produces. I can look back on my life and know that I have been a wolf, a sheep, and a wolf dressed as a sheep even. I can identify these things by the fruit. I can also now see some bad fruit, or lack of fruit, in some others. I wont go into that however, I am too busy trying to pull this plank out of my eye to worry about the dust in theirs.

One of the things that has happened lately is that we have left our church and have begun to attend a new one. This new church, LCC, is a church with an interesting twist. They are not concerned with or built around 'membership'. They don't care if you ever become a member or not. (sound strange?) They pray regularly that the Lord will send them people who have a need for something, something that LCC can provide for them. Sometimes people show up just for one sermon, something they needed to hear was spoken, and while they are happy to receive the word they needed, they go back to there own church, or whatever, the next week. Sometimes people need to meet someone, or need to have someone pray with them, or whatever the need might be, LCC strives to meet the need that God sent someone to receive. This is an interestingly new take on things as far as my ignorant self is concerned. We left our former church on a mission to find someplace that we could serve in either youth, children, or some kind of adoption ministry. After finding out that our pastor is adopted, and there are several other adoption situations around the church, maybe this was the place. But now I am not so sure I have this correct. Maybe I have again become confused about what I am supposed to do for others when its really what God is using others to do in me.

Again, from reading Mathew lately I can feel the axe and fork in my life. I am starting to see things differently, I am starting to see people differently, I am starting to see myself differently. Let me just tell you, I don't like it much.

One thing scripture tells me over and over again is that I need to put Him first. In Mathew Jesus says He didn't come to be a peacemaker, but to put mother against daughter. He is telling us that He MUST come first. (die to self, die to self) We are to keep our focus on Him, and He will guide us. ( die to self, die to self ). We are supposed to try and mirror His life and pick up our cross and follow Him. ( die to self, die to self ).

Does anybody else find this extremely difficult to do? If I give up all of me, who am I? If every last little thing that is me dies, haven't I died too? If I need to give up the things that make me who I am, then why am I me, and why am I here? Any answers, any?

I guess its time to shake things up again, change is good and healthy. (Right? uh, right.)

I try to do the things I am supposed to. I invite the righteous into my home because they are righteous, I take care of the widows and orphans, I listen and learn and help the little children, but again and again I am reminded, this is not enough, die to self and put Him first.... So as I sit here trying not to worry about tomorrow because today has enough trouble of its own, and thinking about the lilies and the sparrows, I have but one request.

Like Niecy Nash would say it:

Somebody pray for me::::::

Word nonsense

Dear friends of Chaos, I requested that you all, (ya'll) donate some words to me and I would endeavor to generate a story based on the words you provided. Immediatly below this introduction is the list of words that you brought forth, and below the list I will spin a tale attempting to use them all. As is typical of stories from me, parts will be absolute truth, parts will be approximate truth, and parts will be absolute fiction. As is common of my life, I doubt you can tell the difference. Thank you to Mrs. Lois, Mrs. Beth, Mrs. Ruth, Mrs. Joy, Mrs. Peggy, and the one and only Mr. Pastor Charlie Tuna for your kind donations, and thank you to my wife for her words as well, and allowing me the time to write this nonsense. Just a reminder of the real, Fritz is the name of a dog who is staying with us temporarily while his owners are away in South Korea, he is real. If you have followed any of my rantings about the adventures of Tickle and Fritz, you have already been introduced to this canine. Some of what I write below will have him in it. Shall we all jump off the cliff together now?



1. Tree
2. Cheerleader
3. Mini van...
4. Pizza
5. Sloth

1. Flap
2. Push
3. Chew
4. Doodle
5. Puke

1. sparkly
2. vivacious
3. bitter
4. antique
5. colorful


1. Cantankerous
2. Sputtery
3. Clandestine
4. Chary


1. Netherlands
2. Uranus
3. Intercourse, Pennsylvania

spit

giggle

flounce

observe

jostle

Shortly

Avidly

Triumphantly

suspiciously

courageously

biscuit

albatross

teak deck

arc welder

heffalump

As I was coming home from the office this Sunday afternoon, I was driving down the highway looking forward to getting home and resting a bit, watch some football, play with my daughter, you know the usual kind of stuff. I changed lanes into the fast lane, carefully as always, and nothing was behind me for miles in either lane. Then, only moments later, I look into my rear view mirror to observe a strange sight. A large jolly man, with a beard and sparkly eyes was coming up fast, much to my surprise. Santa was tailgating me in the fast lane, on a Kawasaki Ninja, his hurry was plain. I quickly got over, to get out of his path, surely I did not want to acquire St. Nicks obvious wrath. That cantankerous old coot blew right on past, but I nearly spit out my chew as he flipped me the bird and stomped on the gas. I was astonished at his boldness and his bad demeanor, so I put the peddle to the metal to catch up to this wiener. As luck would have it, the next light was red, I rolled down my window and yelled, " what has got in your head?" As his large jolly countenance got off of his bike, he stuck his face in my window and said,

" Heffalumps and woosles, save the cheerleader, save the world"

I thought to myself, old St. Nick has gone mad.

I looked at him suspiciously as I thought what I could say, I was just sure I wanted to get out of his way. Courageously I thought what thoughts I could think, but surely, oh surely every thought did just stink. I though maybe just maybe I could fool the old cad and spout off something that was equally as mad, so I said.

"Thou hast gotten to be'th more chary about driving, thou carriage has runneth a foul of plain logic"

He looked at me triumphantly and gave me hug, and said to me clearly as he squished me like a bug.

"Alas I have found ye' in the oddest of places"

I was not expecting him to answer me, let alone I was now wondering why we are both speaking in the Kings English. Once I recovered from this man hug I was given, I informed him that he must indeed be mistaken.

" I knoweth not ye, so please go away, Ye have mistaketh me for another bloke on this day."

Santa looked at me all confused and befuddled, but he spoke again, much to my chagrin.

" I knoweth ye, if you knoweth me not, ye are the one to get us out of this spot"

"What spot is this, what spot do you speaketh of? I knoweth not of this plot, or this spot"

"I speaketh the truth, it is ye who must hurry, Fritz the French spy is loose and a worry"

"Fritz the French spy, tell me more, tell me why"

"He hath escapeth from his place of confinement, he is loose and in hiding, it is you who must find him"

" I have'th not a skill that may lend itself to this mission, I have'th nothing to offer to alleviate this tension"

" Ye brethren ye forget who ye are, ye are the father of a daughter and that will take ye far"

As I pondered and pondered what this St. had told me I remembered that is true that I have super powers, I am a Ninja, a plumber, and a fixer of things, a healer, a mender, and a buyer of blings. I am a father, and therefore can do all things.

" I accept ye mission to find the one called Fritz, tell me more my brethren big man, where do I start."

He gave me wink ( which was kind of creepy) and pointed towards the east. With a wink of his eye and his thumb up his nose, the light turned green,

He hit the gas and was gone.

So now I have a mission to find some spy named Fritz, who is supposedly off to the east of me. Not even knowing what Fritz looks like, I first go to my local library and sit down to do my homework. I find a picture and am shocked to find out that Fritz is a spy, and he is a dog. He is known by a few aliases, In the Dakota's he goes by his Indian name, Walks When He Pees. I am glad that he is east of me when I found this out. He also goes by his flower child name when in California, Fritzy Boo, but again, I am looking east. I learn more and more about his colorful personality as I dug into the research. Finally I find a useful clue, he was last seen in a small Amish village in Pennsylvania. A place called Intercourse Pennsylvania. So I hopped in my rented minivan and off I go, Super Plumber Ninja dad is off to Intercourse. Since I had a long drive to get there I had some time to think about Fritz. How does a little dog, who bears a strong resemblance to a sloth, gain such a vivacious reputation as an international spy? As I drove the many hard miles on my way to Intercourse I kept playing the stories over and over in my head of Fritz's cat like reflexes, his savvy demeanor, his many clandestine encounters ending in chaos. I found myself asking what have I gotten myself into. Finally I arrived in Intercourse and found myself immediately in a traffic jam of bearded men in buggies. Something else seemed clear to me as I could hear the din of the men chatting back and forth to their horses. Santa on a Ninja was really just a renegade Amish guy, that's why he seemed to acknowledge and speak the Kings English even though I spoke to him in jest. I now needed to find the man who last saw Fritz, his name is Romeo. Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo? Over yonder in ye field was the answer that was spoketh to me. Friendly folk these Amish gents. I found ol' Romeo and presented him with a picture of Fritz and inquired if he knew anything of his whereabouts. In a sputtery and angry voice Romeo answered me, " Arrh, that scallywag plum gots away from me a fortnight past. I threatened to run him through for making eye at me daughter, arrrh. He run off with the local beer wench from the next town over." I started to ask Romeo why he was talking like a pirate when the rest of the Amish folk around these parts seemed to prefer the Kings English, but upon taking a look at the crazed glare of the albatross resting on his shoulder, I thought maybe I should just find that bar, I could use a cold one right about now.

I found a little hole in the wall bar just outside of Amish country, right on the border to be exact. I found it strange that both cars and buggies were parked, or hitched out front, but I got up the dander to walk in for a quick gander around. I took myself a seat on a bar stool near the end of the bar and a fine looking lass shortly came to take my order. I asked for a Strawberry Daiquiri, and the young lady did a giggle at me. She then informed me that I would have a biscuit and a beer like everyone else in the place. I was not in the mood to argue, but now that I had her attention I asked if she knew anything about a beer wench and a dog named Fritz. She shhhhssst me right up and drug me to a small room. She whispered into my startled ears that Inga had left with Fritz stowed away under the teak deck of a pirate ship bound for the Netherlands. With a jostle she shoved me out the back door, without my biscuit or my beer. Having no luck with Intercourse, I was now off to the Netherlands to continue my adventure in search of Fritz, maybe the Netherlands would be more engaging.

On the plane ride over it occurred to me that maybe Fritz was making a break for the Hague and was going to claim some kind of immunity. While pondering this ponder I also had to wonder exactly what was I going to do if I located Fritz, I mean, I was sent after him by a crazed Santa driving like a madman on his crotch rocket, who turned out to really be a renegade Amish guy who was ticked off that Fritz had stolen his shiny buttons. Super Plumber Ninja Dad was not afraid, but I was questioning my sanity as to why I would take on this mission. Sure, Fritz was a bad character, a first class terrorist whose primary method of destruction was the vile and deadly urine land mine and fecal grenade. Sure he was an international threat, but why me, oh well, I guess if I have come this far I might as well keep going.

Once arriving in Amsterdam I found my way to the nearest port to hang out and wait for something that looked like a pirate ship. I realized I hadn't eaten in days so I pulled up a chair at a safe looking harbor side pizza joint and ordered a lobster and anchovy pizza with extra cheese. I was still questioning what I was going to do when Fritz and his Wench arrived. I figured if push came to shove I could use my Ninja skills to capture him and then take him to the U.S embassy, surely they would handle it from there. I avidly watched and waited for hours for a antique looking ship to pull into the harbor, presumably flying the Jolly Roger.

Just as the sun was setting and the anchovies were making me want to puke I saw an old sailing ship pull up to the harbor. Surely this is the vessel that contains Fritz. Its an old pirate ship with a teak wood deck, how could it be anything else. I could hear the flap of its sails as it drew nearer to shore. (the suspense is killing ya isn't it?) The bitter taste of the sea was shown on the faces of the men who were walking the plank of this old boat. One after another they staggered off of her and seamed to drag themselves off into the distance. I began to worry as I saw neither a women or a dog exit the ship. I was aware that Fritz was a master of disguises, but he would have had to disguise himself as a tree to have snuck past me. Finally, finally, finally at last, I see something suspicious. I see a man dragging a large box with the words Arc Welder printed on the side. A box that is big enough to hide a dog and his bride. I approached this rogue who was dragging the box and asked him politely if I might look in it. I expected by now that he would either be Amish or a Pirate, or perhaps even an Amish Pirate, but the man looked at me and spoke perfect Brooklyn eaz. "Forget about it" was his answer.

I implored him to be compliant and threaten him with my robust parenting skills. He shrugged his shoulders and did a flounce with his heal, but he agreed to let me see inside the box. I told him he didn't really look like a welder to me and that the doodle on the side of the box was suspicious. We preyed open the box and just as I suspected. a stowaway. But, only one stowaway, a wench. I asked the beer wench what had happened to Fritz.

The young lady told me quit a tale of how the aliens had come and taken Fritz away. I asked her over and over where he was and all she would tell me was that the aliens had taken him home with them to Uranus. I am not going to go to Uranus to look for him and I have no further leads, so I must now end this sorted tale with Fritz still on the loose.

Friends of Chaos

Okay friends of my blog, I have a request.

I have been suffering from some writers block as of late. I haven't had as many cute Gracie stories to share, and without those I don't have much interesting in life to write about. I could bore you with stories about managing a machine shop and your eyes would glaze over in minutes. I could discuss the my family relations, my financial activities, or daily chores, but again, the yawning would deplete oxygen is left in the atmosphere.

The the holidays are upon us , sucking the life from us like a dead walrus laying across our chests, I would like to find something new to write about this holiday season.

I could write more stories about reindeer poop, Santa's crack habit, or the newest technology in urinal development. I could write more political commentary about what "change" we "hoped" for and what change we have left now. I could write some deep theological commentary about the Theology of the Cross vs. the Theology of Glory. I have a large repertoire of vomit stories I could share, but alas I will move on.

In moving on, I would like to break the staleness of my mind by providing myself with a challenge. I have done this once before and with your help created several foolish stories that were at least moderately entertaining, and good work outs for my creative brain.

Here is my request of my few faithful readers.

I would like each of you to take ONE part of speech and give me a list of 5 options. Clarifying a bit, I would like one of you to give me 5 nouns, someone else to give me 5 proper nouns, some one else to give me 5 verbs, and someone to give me 5 adjectives, etc. I will then take this random list of items, actions, conditions, and people and see what my slightly twisted mind can generate.

Oh, and one last thing, if your late to the party and somebody has already 'stolen' your part of speech, I am certainly willing to make this a mini series, so if you feel froggy you can give me 5 of each all on your own, and I will see what I can do............

Thanks for your input

Tickle has been found

Tickle has been found by our crack investigator Barney. Mr. Fife looked us straight in the eye and told us he has seen Tickle himself, as of yet nothing bad has happened too her. He said its a story you wouldn't believe.

Barney said:

My first lead took me to the Louvre in Pari'. I had to seek out and speak with an odd women. She wouldn't say anything, but she just kept grinning at me with the strangest little smile on her face. I continued to look for clues, and eventually I was led to ---

this guy. I asked him if he had any information about Tickle and he told me that he was gonna keep his big mouth shut......

Having exhausted my information in Pari' France, the alleged home to Fritz the counter to intelligence spy, code named 'walks when he pees'. I was left with only my second lead. This took me to a remote outpost in Kalamazoo Michigan. I was led to a man who said he was employed by a King. He said he used to be a King, but now he just worked for one. I questioned him for hours and hours. This 'former' King just kept speaking in riddles. I asked him if he knew Tickle, and the answer was, " He aint nothin' but a hound dog, rocking all the time" , I point out that Tickle was a she, but the 'former' King didn't seem to care. I asked if he knew where Tickle was, and he said, " Are you Lonesome tonight", and I said yes, I need to find Tickle. could you point me in a direction please. and he said" Aloha from Haw-a-ii", I said, I am fine, haw -a -you. Oh wait, your saying Tickle is in Hawaii, now I get it. What else can you tell me? He said," the King has a hunk a hunk a burnin love", so the King being his boss I proceeded to go find out what that meant.

Upon meeting the King, the boss of the one known as Elvis, I didn't want to know anymore about his hunk of burning anything, so I just moved on.


Upon my arrival in Hawaii I was led to mysterious figure who was the head of the super secret spy stuff. Dick Wilson, code name Mr. Whipple said he had information on Tickle and would share it for a price. I told him that was fine and for a few sawbucks he told me I needed to see one called the Governator. While I was listening to him I noticed that this odd little man had a roll of toilet paper on his desk, so just out of curiosity I picked it up. Mr. Wilson, immediately started jumping up and down screaming at the top of his voice to put it down put it down, don't squeeze Charmin, don't squeeze Charmin. I fled quickly with my bullet still in my left front shirt pocket even though I was in fear of my life from this madman. It wasn't till later that I discovered that Mr. Wilson and Mr. Whipple were really one schizophrenic person, and Mr. Whipple thought the roll of toilet paper was his imaginary friend and if you squeezed it you hurt his little friend. In spite of this mans obvious insanity I still sought out and met with the Governator.

The Governator turned out to be a code name as well. He introduced himself to me as Are- Nold. Mr. Nold and I spoke for some time, but alas he was speaking in riddles as well. He just kept on saying "I'll be back" . He did eventually tell me that I needed to speak to the Godfather. I said, " the Holy Father or the Pope?", and he said no, the Godfather. He said if I went to him on his daughters wedding day, which was tomorrow, I could make a request of him, so I did.

I explained everything to the Godfather, and we had a nice long chat while some guy name Tom was over in the corner listening and taking notes. Finally I made the request that he should tell me where I could find Tickle. To my surprise he dad only one statement and one fairly good answer. The Godfather said that he would do this thing for me, but one day he might call on me to do him a service. Sounded fair to me. He then gave me the name of a guy, a guy named Fred. He said that Fred would take me to the Middle Kingdom and escort me around his neighborhood. He said Fred would be my friend for a while and he would help me to locate Tickle. I asked if that meant Tickles location was actually known, he said it wasn't, but Tickle had left the land of the morning sun and arrived in the Middle Kingdom only a few weeks ago, so Fred could find her because this was his neighborhood.



So, I went and met Fred, who insisted that I call him Mr. Rogers for some reason. He said he wanted to be my friend and show me around his neighborhood. So off we went. After a few days of searching we started to find some clues.


Tickle had been spotted on Tienanmen Square overlooking the picture of Chairman Mao.

Then we discovered that Tickle had been seen in the Forbidden City so we went there quickly.

We actually caught a fleeting glimpse of Tickle for the first time in person. Tickle was pretending to be one of the stone dragons in the City to avoid being caught. I asked Mr. Rogers how we were going to get Tickle to allow us to find her if she was running from everyone. Mr. Rogers said that it was a simple matter, we just need to work with the children. The children are my friends and the like me. I asked how that would help and he said just to follow him.

Sure enough, it wasn't all that much longer before Mr. Rogers asked a group of kids if they knew where Tickle was hiding. The group just stood there like they were made of stone, all of them except one little girl. One little girl raised her hand and politely asked if Tickle was in trouble and needed help from the nice men. Mr. Rogers assured her that we were there to help Tickle. Once we covered all this, much to our surprise Tickle was standing fight behind the little girl.



Alas, Tickle was back in safe custody.

Tickle has since been placed in protective custody and will be kept on a high shelf until the time is appropriate to publicly reveal her whereabouts.

( Reality disclaimer, don't read the rest aloud: for those wanting the true story only. Tickle, the toy dog from McDonald's was in South Korea and has been either lost or misplaced. The toy was sent there with Gracie's sister Lia to keep her company while her real dog Fritz stays with us while she is away. I needed to find a new Tickle dog so that when Lia comes back from Korea the sisters can exchange Tickle back for Fritz. I purchased Tickle at an online collectibles website this morning and it should be arriving in two weeks. Tickle will be kept in a box in the garage until next June or July when Fritz's family comes home to get him. Oh the things we will do for our kids I guess.)

Annual annoying post.

Tis the season to ann-oy me, fa la la la la........... la.........la..........la..........la.


Okay, long time readers feel free to skip this one, you've heard it before.

The rest of you, prepare for me to offend you, again.

I hate Halloween. Hate it Hate it Hate it.

I be hatin'

Why? Because I am an over the top conservative Christian, self proclaimed Jesus Freak, and worshiper of the one and only true and Living God? Well, call it what you wish, I don't like this holiday.

And I am gonna tell you why..........

" Oh its just sweet little kids having a good time, eating some candy, and playing dress up, what could be wrong with that "

Nothing, if that's all it was. That is not all it is no matter how much you want to paint it that way. You can stick your head in the sand all you want, that's not all it is, that's not what it was, and it keeps getting worse and worse every year.

Some people might say that it 'was' a pagan festival, but that's not what it is now. They would be wrong (in my opinion of course). There is no positive or alternative spin you can put on it, its a celebration of the occult. It is condoning witchcraft, sorcery, and divination. It is a Wicca holiday, a witches holiday, and a celebration of moving out of the light into the darkness. The purpose of the date is because that is the time at which we begin to have more darkness and less light in the calender day.

Some might say, but what about all hallows eve, the celebration of the Saints. Well, back in the day, the Roman Catholic church, in one of its more corrupt moments ( my opinion again) attempted to move a holiday from May to a place where it overlapped with this pagan holiday in an attempt to bring the pagans into the Catholic faith. The told the Druids ( or maybe the Celts, cant remember) that they could keep their holiday, but now it was a celebration of something different. The pagans said thank you, but kept practicing the old traditions. The attempt at conversion never fully took, the pagans were still pagans but the Roman Catholic church of the day profited from the expansion.

Some might say, well, just going trick or treating cant be that big a deal, right? Well, its roots are not exactly pristine either. The ancient priests of the pagan religions would go out among the people to collect needed items for their festival. They would approach the villagers and tell them that they needed to treat them or else they would be tricked. In this way they forced the population to provide for their sacrifices and ceremonies. The alter for these things would be decorated with the skulls of their enemies. These people believe in reincarnation. Dead souls would be punished by being returned to earth in the form of animal, cats were a favorite.

Are you starting to see where some of this 'harmless' stuff has its roots?

My kid came home from school today with a goody bag she got IN CLASS that contained candied human body parts. Is this acceptable, or is it just me? (don't answer that) They also had a Halloween party. There had better be a Christmas party that at least mentions the reason for the season. In fact, if some mom or dad thought it was appropriate to send ghosts, pumpkins, and sweet tarts shaped like arms and legs home, I hope they appreciate the goody bag I send in for Christmas with stickers that proclaim Christ as the Saviour home with them!! ( okay, maybe I better think that thru a little, but I am grumpy right now)

I just sucks (pardon my language) that I now have to find a way to tell Gracie she cant keep the ghostly sucker, witch covered pencil, and candied thigh bones.

One more thing, the Jack o Lantern. Look up who Jack was. Too evil to go to heaven, too powerful to go to hell. Its just a story, but its a story that still produces millions of representations all around America every year.

I know I am extreme. We celebrate Christ, not Santa. We celebrate Jesus, not some dopey bunny, and we don't celebrate the darkness that wants to attack us.

If your not a Christian because you don't believe and don't want to, then that's your decision and I pray that someday God reaches you. If you are a Christian and don't see anything wrong with doing Halloween, I don't judge you, its your choice, but I would ask that you look a little deeper into the Word and pray about the issue in Faith.

Well, I know I have annoyed you at this point, so I will stop now.........

Comments welcome and I will attempt to respond to each one.. Thank you.

APB

All Points Bulletin:

This just in:

Tickle has been reported missing. MIA, AWOL, vaporized, gone, location unknown. She was last seen in Mt. Vernon Illinois in route to South Korea via Kansas. It is unknown at this time what exactly happened or when she disappeared. There are many rumors and stories however.

The first rumor is that she has been abducted by aliens. Worshippers of the Hale Bopp comet have been reported as saying they saw her just a few weeks ago near a black hole just outside our solar system. They claim that she was wearing a hula skirt and coconut bra with Perry Como playing in the background. This is the least likely scenario because it is a well known fact that she hates Perry Como.

The second rumor is that she has been abducted by a renegade gang of escaped penguins. One witness, a trustworthy looking heffalump, claims to have spotted her in an alley in the Bronx being chased by some penguins. The heffalump called the police but when they arrived they could find nothing of Tickle. The penguins were still there, but they just stood there a looked cute and cuddly. The heffalump also claimed to have seen Elvis in a Burger King in Kalamazoo Michigan a few years ago, so her story is skeptical. The police were all woozles, so we are skeptical about trusting them either.

A third rumored sighting comes to us from an island off the south eastern shore of Africa. A king, King Julian to be exact, claims to have seen the New York Giants on his Island as well as claiming that Tickle was with them. I don't know about you, but this reporter doesn't think the Giants have a game in Madagascar, so why would they be there, and why would Tickle have hitched a ride with them? Upon further conversations with King Julian, he seems to be just a little too enamored with himself and might just be seeking attention.

The fourth, last, and most plausible rumor is that Tickle is actually a double super secret double agent. Tickle is actually a spy working for both North and South Korea. She may have gone underground if she thought her cover had been blown, or one of the two parties has her and is trying to pry information out of her. The truth might just be that she really is loyal to the United States and may be in hiding trying to find a way to contact her superiors in Washington. Once she makes this contact a commando force of Green Beret squirrels will be sent in to rescue her. If this doesn't go as planned she may be held hostage until a hostage exchange program can be arranged. It is rumored that a French spy ( named Fritz) of some prestige is being held somewhere in the Midwest, Ohio most likely, and he could be traded for Tickles freedom some time in the future.

Now for the Weather:

I partly sunny with a chance of rain or snow followed by flood warnings, hurricanes, and lost children in helium mylar balloons, film at 11..............

Lets talk..........

President Obama just won the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, bully for him, but can somebody please explain to me how exactly he pulled that off at this exact moment?

First lets make sure we understand what the prize is for, and lets read it instead of assuming shall we?

The Nobel Foundation is established under the terms of the will of the engineer Dr. Alfred Bernhard Nobel, drawn up on November 27, 1895, which in its relevant parts states:
"The whole of my remaining realizable estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit to mankind. The said interest shall be divided into five equal parts, which shall be apportioned as follows: one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery or invention within the field of physics; one part to the person who shall have made the most important chemical discovery or improvement; one part to the person who shall have made the most important discovery within the domain of physiology or medicine; one part to the person who shall have produced in the field of literature the most outstanding work in an ideal direction; and one part to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses. The prize for physics and chemistry shall be awarded by the Swedish Academy of Sciences; that for physiological or medical works by Karolinska Institute in Stockholm; that for literature by the Academy in Stockholm; and that for champions of peace by a committee of five persons to be elected by the Norwegian Storting. It is my express wish that in awarding the prizes no consideration whatever shall be given to the nationality of the candidates, but that the most worthy shall receive the prize, whether he be a Scandinavian or not."

Okay, there it is, now lets discuss it. The first thing I highlighted was the words, preceding year. I will allow for options here, was the preceding year the standard calendar year from January to January? If it was, the what was Mr. Obama (not yet President Obama) doing during that year that made him eligible for the prize? As far as I can tell, all he was doing was running an election campaign and raising money for said campaign. He spent a small amount of that time on the foreign circuit glad handing and such after his victory, but by and large that was a year full of nothing but campaigning. Does that campaign do anything to work towards Fraternity between nations? No I don't believe it did. As he was not yet president he could not reduce standing armies, nor could he do much towards a peace congress. So, if the year were to run from January to January, I don't see that he did anything that would even remotely put him in the running for the prize.

Now lets assume that maybe the year is defined like a fiscal year and runs oh say from June to June or something like that. That would put him in a better position to accomplish some of the requirements listed in Mr. Nobels will. That does however limit his time significantly. Instead of having 12 months worth of deeds to qualify, he only has something like 5 months give or take a month since we eliminated everything prior to him actually taking office and having the ability to accomplish any of these tasks.

Now lets repeat the process, what has President Obama done since inauguration to earn himself a peace prize? Has he been: the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses? I can't say that he has. He certainly has not reduced or abolished any standing armies. If anything he has increased our presence in Afghanistan with the intention of increasing it even more as he adds and shifts troops away from Iraq. He has implemented, or at least requested, a host of budget cutting measures like cutting funding to the Air Force and cancelling a missile deployment program, but he has not reduced the standing armies in any way. As an aside on these two budget items, President Obama was quoted as saying that he wanted to cut funding to the Raptor (F-22) because it was fiscally irresponsible to keep spending such large amounts of money on outdated technology. Well, that sounds good to me on the surface, unless you realize that the Raptor is the most high tech warbird ever devised or built and is still decades ahead of anything anyone else in the world has been able to come up with. Its the pinnacle of stealth, speed, and performance, but its cut as being outdated technology? One of two things just happened, either the President is ignorant and/or hopes we are ignorant of what the Raptor is, or, the next generation of warbird is ready and hasn't been revealed to the public yet. Either way, this was a dumb thing to say out loud. As for the missile deployment, that would happen no matter who was in office because it was only ever a diplomatic ploy to begin with. We neither have the materials, the resources, or the interest in renewing the cold war, which is what that deployment would do. This was just a reminder of what could happen if we went back to the days of ol'. Russia got the message and we withdrew the proposal. In light of this, the President has done nothing to reduce the standing armies. That only leaves holding and promoting peace congresses. So, what has he done to do this? Well, nothing. The administration has offered to give Pakistan 1.5 billion a year for 5 years if they keep after the Taliban and allow us to do the same, but they haven't even yet accepted that offer. The administration has engaged in a global apology tour with a nice stop in the middle east to basically say that maybe we have been a little hasty in the past, and now we should be a little more discreet in our actions. I don't think that's it either.

At this point, I am at a loss. I could toss out two cynical guesses. He got it for his campaign that kept Hillary out of office and tossed the Republicans out of power. That's one lame guess. Another lame guess would be that the folks in Norway figure he is going to bankrupt the country here shortly and thus we will recall our troops due to lack of ability to fund our global influence. I doubt that's it either, although its not out of the question.

The last thing that I have highlighted is the statement that, " The most worthy shall receive the prize" This alone should worry us because even if I missed something that the President has done, should I have been able to miss it if it was grandiose enough to get him the recognition of the most worthy?

Here is a fun fact for you, along the topic of bankrupting America. The total sum of U.S. currency now in circulation (as of October 9th) is just over 900 billion dollars. As of the end of the fiscal year, the national debt topped 1.4 Trillion dollars. We spent 500 billion more dollars than what is even in existence. That means our government spent every existing dollar over and over and over and over again, and then spent billion upon billions in dollars that don't even exist.

Let us now begin to prepare for the fall of the Greatest civilization. I suggest we begin by hoarding food and ammunition. I think I will run out an by a HAM radio and a CB radio while I am purchasing a couple of 10 lb. bags of flour. You can use a window screen to shift the bugs out ya know.

Observe - O - Meter reports........

This weekend was a great weekend for football in spite of the fact that most of the teams I follow lost their behinds this week, it was still great. My Buckeyes did manage an impressive win, but the Browns are still struggling. The best football game was my local high school game, the Little Miami Panthers put up a good fight against Wilmington but they were just not up to the task. Those Wilmington boys were just freakin huge. I don't know the real stats, but from the stands it looked like the Panthers had safeties and cornerbacks that were about 5'-3" tall and Wilmington had receivers who where 6'-7" or so. The mismatch was huge. Anyway, I wont bore you with this stuff, I want to bore you with something else instead.

I don't attend many high school football games. Its just not my thing. I went to a few while in school and a few rivalry games (Reading vs. Deer Park) in the last few years, but with children comes changes. I now attend several pee wee football games each year and Little Miami Homecoming each year. I do this because Gracie gets to cheer at homecoming with the big girl cheerleaders. Its the cutest thing in the world to watch all these half pint cheerleaders do their thing standing next to some serious teens. The little ones love it because they get to feel special and share the 'big stage' and the teens seem to love it too, because the half pints are just so stinkin cute, and they are working and trying so hard. Something like 15 squads of girls from 5th grade down to kindergarten get to be on the sideline the entire first half with the varsity girls scattered amongst them. It is a real event. I don't know about the rest of the kids but to Gracie its like a jie jie mei mei ( I am sure I spelled that wrong) kind of thing. ( Big sister little sister in Chinese).

Well enough of that, the thing I wanted to bore you with today is my observations at the football game. I spent most of the first half watching the cheerleaders and the game upon occasion while sitting in my seat, or standing as events warranted. I enjoyed the game and enjoyed my Gracie, but with 2 minutes left in the half it was time for me to go face the crowds and retrieve Gracie from her coaches. I was now running loose in the crowd and it is time to start observing my surroundings.

One thing I notice right away is that there is a fence that surrounds the entire compound. There are grassy areas, shelters, high spots, low spots, observation towers, and mud flats. I am at a high school football stadium, but suddenly I realize that its really a wildlife nature preserve.

I mean think about it.

Out on the plains (the field) you have two herds of rams butting heads over and over again, most of which are trying to impress the lambs and all of which are trying to win the title of being the strongest.

Through the rubble and in the small places you have packs of wild hyenas roaming loose looking for food and harmless mayhem ( that would be boys between 9-13 years old). They roam around and get into stuff while hunting game such as hot dogs, pretzels, and the ever elusive wild Mountain Dew. They stay tightly packed together until they accidentally stumble upon a lions den, and when the lion roars they all freeze for a moment until most of them scatter. ( One of their mommas is the lion of course)

Over on the grassy knoll you have a herd of Zebras all milling around in circles talking with each other, but they are tightly packed and looking in all directions like there is something amiss but they are not sure what. ( they are the Freshman girls ) Around them you have a circling pack of salivating dogs that keep wandering and roaming around waiting for one of the Zebras to stray too far out from the herd. ( they are the Freshman boys)

On the one edge of the stadium you have what is called the "student" section. This area is filled with monkeys. You have your chest beating gorilla guys, your crack smokin spider monkeys, your bouncing and flipping chimpanzees, and your co-ed lemurs. Next to the student section is where you will find the penguin section. ( the police, cute and cuddly boys, cute and cuddly)

Behind the stadium, and almost under the stadium you will find some random odd creatures. You will find male and female rabbits who are obviously frightened and cold because they are snuggled up in a little dark hole trying to keep each other warm. Tomorrow there will be more bunnies I am guessing. ( get a room kids, or not, go home alone and take a cold shower my brotha )

This is also the place to find the pink headed cockatoo and green headed song birds. You will also see Motto Motto and the other male hippos trying to find their way to the pond. This is also the place where you see the alligators chasing the lemmings. ( lemmings are the 6-9 year olds that big brother and big sister were supposed to be watching but have since escaped and now dad (gator) has to coral before momma (lion) finds out.

Lastly we have the peacocks. Now, I realize in the real animal kingdom, the peacocks with the colorful plumage are male, but in this world the teen girls are the peacocks. The teen girls all walking around with their short skirts, foofed hair, make-up, and hooters hangin' out. (what did he say?) Observation, teen breasts are pretty, perky, attractive, plumpy plumpy, oh -la. They are nice to look at and pleasant............ HEY, girls, I mean peacocks, cover that stuff up a bit would ya !!!!!!!!!! I am 41 years old, I don't need to see your 17 year old mammaries. I know its October and that means its Breast Cancer Awareness month, but that doesn't mean you need to walk around with 'em hangin' out all over the place......

Maybe I am getting old, maybe I am losing my mind, or maybe I am just raising a daughter, (or possibly all three), but the peacocks really need to not flaunt the plumage so much.!!

Well the park rangers (coaches) eventually helped me find my way off the reserve, all is well.

Random deep thinks...........

1. Decisions now become your circumstances later
2. Don't push the red button!
3. You cannot bludgeon, cajole, or manipulate someone towards revelation, you can only lead by mirroring the image, the work cannot be done by you. ( now that was deep)
4. Not even the rocks are forever.
5. Successful education comes from being able to discern the difference between need to know, nice to know and not to know.
6. Don't lie to your friends, your memory isn't that good, don't lie to your enemies, they have already assumed the worst anyway.
7. If a salesman has three first names, don't trust him, if he has three last names, you cant afford him.
8. Man who throws shoes has cold feet.
9. Never be ashamed of who you are, always exercise caution in what you do.
10. Trivia is the accumulation of things in your head, knowledge is understanding those things, wisdom is knowing how to use them.
11. Grow through adversity, it magnifies the joys.
12. Spend time with your children everyday and they may actually want to spend time with you when they are grown.
13. Give of yourself and share what you have, but do not expect recompense or you will surely be disappointed.
14. Our level of success is not connected to tone of our skin, but to the tune in our hearts.
15. Success can be defined as only dying once.
16. Talking is a skill, listening is a virtue.
17. Almost nothing in this world can be accomplished alone, but sometimes the ones that helped us the most are the ones who stood in our way, or tore us down, because it is they who taught us about strength, courage, and perseverance.
18. If you can help, reach out your hand and do so, if you need help, reach out your hand and accept it, if no one is there to help you, then that means you have the strength to do it yourself, so get up and do it anyway.
19. Just because your not perfect, and your not, doesn't mean you should accept your flaws, or give up trying.
20. Measure twice, cut once.
21. Strength can be determined by knowing when to stand up and fight, and when to walk away.
22. Always remember and never forget you have a choice.
23. Be nice to fuzzy things and to scuzzy things.
24. Getting to the top requires a climb, if you are climbing up, that means you were at the bottom, so don't look down at those who are not climbing as far or as fast.
25. Pay attention to your surroundings, enjoy them and be aware of them because you are surrounded by beauty but frequently too absorbed in your own issues to notice.

You ain't gonna believe this

This is going to be one of those stories where you just shake your head and think, there is no way that really happens, but trust me, it happens, at least in my world.

Gracie turned six on Saturday and for her party we had 5 little girls over for a sleep over. One of the younger ones only made it to 11 of so,but that was by plan, she didn't want to stay all night. As a whole, the girls were actually really good. There was 6 or so hours of running and loud giggling that took place, but no major drama, not one scrappin fight, and only minor issues your just gonna have with that many little ones running loose.

I did my part by ordering the pizza, serving it and the kool aid and then cleaning up, making the popcorn and hot chocolate, serving it and then cleaning up, and the next morning, I made scrambled eggs and biscuits. I also started the movie when it was time. Angie did her part in crowd control, activity leadership, and did manicures and provided the adult supervision all evening. Angie had the unfortunate task of sleeping on the couch with the girls strewn in sleeping bags all over the living room floor.

As I already mention, all was going well. Sleep arrived shortly after the movie was over and only a few muffled giggles were heard past this point, the girls had had a busy evening and were tired and ready for some shut eye. I had taken Fritz, the dog, to the basement with me and I was going to sleep on the clic-clack down here so I could hear the footsteps above me and be available if needed. Then it starts.

About 1 AM Fritz pushes me just a little too far and I need to get up. Fritz has effectively hogged the bed and I am out of room, Rather than readjust him, I choose just to roll out and let him get good and asleep first. I figure in half an hour or so, I will just crawl back in, or use the other clic-clack and all will be well. I come over here and just try to kill a few minutes on the computer while I wait my next move. While here I notice I keep hearing feet upstairs. After feet I hear flushing. This happens a few times, but then I notice a difference. At first it was feet, flush, feet flush, feet flush. But not any longer, now its feet, flush, flush, flush, flush. The only reason I even notice is because the drainage pipe for the toilets runs down the inside of the wall right behind my computer. Why is someone flushing repetitively? ( I will soon have an answer)

I hear feet again. This time I hear feet that are plodding with a purpose. I then hear the door open at the top of the stairs, the door closes and the feet start coming down the steps, one deliberate step at a time. I need to point out that the only light is the light from the monitor, because, as I said, I was trying to sleep down here. Next I hear the word, "Daddy?"

Yes love....

Daddy, I had an accident and I tried to clean it up, but you need to see it..........

Okay baby, what happened.........

I had a big poop accident, it got on my night gown, I cleaned it up, but I did this.........

( okay, right now my daughter is standing in front of me with her brand new birthday present night gown on and tucked into her panties, but she puts her hand out to hand me something and instinctively when my daughter reaches towards me and tells me I need to do or see something I reach out and take what she has. What my little love has just handed me is the panties she was wearing a few minutes and six flushes ago. As I take the panties from her I immediately notice an issue, the panties are first warm, second, damp, third, stanky, and fourth (get this) they weigh like 5 pounds. My daughter laid some hug logs in her drawers and brought the whole load down from the upstairs bathroom all the way to the basement just to show it to me. I now am holding a 5 pound gift of crap filled Littlest Pet Shop panties in the palm of my hand. Nice. Well, whats a dad to do. As I struggle through the shock of this palm full of love, I look up into Gracie's face and her face is not happy. Its sleepy and on the verge of melt down, so I cant react harshly, I just plop the poop on my desk and move on.)

Gracie, lets see what we have here and lets get it fixed up okay?

Okay Daddy, I tried to fix it myself, but..........

Gracie, let me check out the night gown and panties.

She had skid marks up past her crack and poop on her sleeve, wiping hand of course, so the gown was done. She also had put her waist into the leg hole of the second set of panties, they were done also. So I pick up my prize and Gracie and I quietly walk upstairs, I take the lump o' love out to the garbage can on the way and we go up and get cleaned up, new gown, new panties again, and kill a wash rag as well. Now Gracie needs some more love and attention so at her request I end up retrieving Fritz from the basement and the three of us make it to my bedroom and sack out in a ball in our bed. Fritz and Gracie were none the worse for wear when morning came, but mommy and daddy have fried egg eyes and sore bodies today.

Gracie pulled through her whole day the next day like a good little soldier. She had a game to cheer at, and she went and did her best. After the game and things were calmer I asked how it happened and she said she pulled her panties up before she was done and then she felt them and they were squishy. I also asked why she brought them to the basement, she said since she had a problem and needed my help, she just wanted to show me what the problem was.

Cant argue with the logic,

Gracie is 6 today

Gracie is 6 today. I could tell stories about each of the 2190 days, I could reminisce about the 131400 hours (give or take a few hundred hours), I could at least comment on each of the below pictures. I will refrain, the pictures tell a story all their own. There is a small gap in them but in general I think you get the idea.

You've come a long long way baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The amount of growth , physically, emotionally, spiritually, oh I just cant get the words out. My little girl is a first grader and she is just so cool.

Gracie ROCKS!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to my favorite flying flapa sar us, Love you sweetness..............

Daddy

Sure ways to drive your spouse nuts.

Ladies, stop reading now.

NO, seriously, stop reading now.

Okay, I know women have difficulty listening, but your gonna regret it if you keep going.

Last time ladies, I will say it slow 'cause I know you can't hear fast,

S-t-o-p r-e-a-d-i-n-g n-o-w.

Well guys, its just us now.

Have you ever just been in that ornery mood and just wanted to watch you wife's head spin in circles while her body stands still? Ever wanted to do this and live to tell about it? I have a few suggestions for you. Its all harmless and money back guaranteed.

1. First, you have a plunger in your house and odds are its been around a while. Now is the time to buy a new one, but make sure it looks just like the old trusty one you've had around for years. Now, keep this prized purchase to yourself, and keep it in the garage or someplace out of sight for now. Sooner or later you gonna have another one of those events when you wife calls and informs you that your last mud snake has stopped up the toilet again. (ever notice its always the guy who gets blamed for this?) As a dutiful husband should, you grasp your trusty plunger from its proud position of honor and attend to the task at hand. A few good shoves and the mud snake is gone swimming with the fishes down the drain. As most guys know, there is usually a little bit of residue left behind on the plunger, some toilet paper Klingon's and some mud snake skid marks are common. What most of us guys will do is stick it back in the clean toilet and give it another flush or two, or if the wife isn't playing foreman and watching your efforts, we might stick it in the shower for a quick hose down. This is required before returning the plunger to its pedestal. Oh, but not this time, this time is the last time you will use this plunger. Here is what you do. Take the plunger out to the trash, discreetly. Dispose of the tool honorably. Now walk back into the house quietly, and stick the NEW NEVER BEEN USED plunger in the dishwasher without saying a word. Turn the dishwasher on and go about your business. Sooner or later she is gonna open the dishwasher and find the plunger. She will not know its brand new, she will think you just ............ well.......... you know what she thinks. She thinks your a moron and deserve to die right now. Once the shrieking starts, just walk in calmly with a look of confusion and explain, well, it needed cleaned, looks like new now doesn't it......... and just walk off and put the plunger back were it belongs. If you can keep a straight face you might even add, " I don't know what the problem is, everything in there has been sanitized now"



2. Next we have the " you just did not" moment that's just fun sometimes. Sometime when the moment is just right and all the stars are aligned just so, and you have an exit route to flee quickly if need be, I have another little gem for you to try out. While you both happen to be standing in the kitchen, oh say making sandwiches or something, reach into the drawer and pull out a fork. Take the fork and turn it upside down and reach over your head and use the fork as a back scratcher. Make sure to make some of those 'oh oh that's the spot' kind of noises and gestures while your doing it. Then quickly wipe the fork off on your shirt or your pants and put it back in the drawer. Now, be prepared to do some dishes after this one, else wise your gonna have to buy her some new silverware. ( don't forget to duck and run either)



3. This next one is the best (or worst) for making our lovely wife's faces turn colors. One morning while you wife is in the bathroom primping or whatever it is that they do in there, just walk in and make your way to the toilet. It is time for the manly art of peeing whilst standing up. While your standing there 'going' kind of swoosh things around in circles and make those naval combat noises you made as a kid. Put out an imaginary fire with your fire hose, whatever middleschoolish stuff you can come off with at the moment. Now, someplace in this bathroom is a hand towel. Every bathroom that is ever occupied by a married women at any time has a hand towel in it someplace. You guys know which towel it is that I'm talking about, its the towel that hangs there and looks pretty, the one that she uses and we don't because we will get it dirty and her hands are wet but never dirty. Okay, after your done 'going' reach up and grab 'the' towel and gently dry off then end of your fire hose, hang towel neatly back on rack, flush, put lid back down, and calmly walk out. Once clear of the bathroom................ run.............

Here are just three ways to cause your spouse to instantaneously combust. Just remember, use these at your own risk, make sure the couch is comfy 'cause you might need it, and just because your wife is a girl doesn't mean she always throws like a girl, so if a fork or a shoe take flight towards you, duck now, laugh later............

Cheers.........

PS: Ladies, I know you read this anyway, I know it because you couldn't resist the train wreck like quality that exists here, and because it goes against everything in your being to do what your told when a man says it. So, because I know your down here already anyway, you cant say you were not warned, and I bet you wish you'd listened after all. In fact, I bet you thinking about washing that hand towel today aren't you?