Urine again.

Okay, I know for some this is a delicate subject, but for me it just daily life. The point of this post is just to talk a little about male bathroom etiquette, such as it is, and then relate a story of amazing proportions. I have had the privilege to witness just how talented a dad of three boys can be, when necessary.

The rules first.

1. Whenever it is possible, do not stand right next to another guy at a urinal.


2. Do not use a stall to pee unless it is an emergency.


3. If you have to wait to get to a urinal, and you are the only no peeing person in the bathroom at the moment, don't stand behind somebody, go wash your hands, pop a zit in the mirror, check the soap fixtures, whatever you can, just don't stand behind the guy your waiting on, its just creepy.


4. Never ever look across at the guy next to you if you have to have a guy next to you, no eye contact, no looking below the chin either, face the blank wall and be happy about it.


5. Unless you have known the other guy since 3rd grade, no talking to another urinal user.


6. Even if you have known the other guy since the 3rd grade, no talking to the other guy in the next stall.


7. Never ask somebody in another stall or in the room with you to roll you some paper in, just deal with it, you should have checked first. The nice rash and skid mark that will occur will just serve to teach you to check first next time.


8. Avoid eye contact with men in general if you are in the bathroom, a nod and grunt will serve for any needed communications, but this should only take place at the sink or in the entry and exit areas.


9. Never speak to strangers in the bathroom, period.


10. Exit the bathroom without lingering, in case you missed it, it stinks in there, be on your way.


11. And as a bonus, two shakes is the max to finish at a urinal, more than that is just having fun.

Now for the story.

I was a volunteer worker at Pumpkinfest this past weekend. Its a really nice church festival that our church does. Crosspointe has been doing this for only 4 years, so they are still kind of new at it. They get thousands of people thru in two days, lots of games, carnival rides, a band, fireworks, the whole deals. Its really huge considering the size of this little church. Average adult attendance is usually well under 100, frequently below 50 I would guess. A lot of the time kids outnumber the adults. The only thing at the festival really geared towards the adults is the band on Saturday night and one little beer booth. I mention this for a reason, its a kid oriented festival, lots of families, but there is a little beer, just enough to keep a dad from getting too dry.

I had been working the parking lot for several hours and things were beginning to slow down so I left my co-worker for a minute to take the long hike back to the restroom. I hadn't pee' d since Tuesday so I made the walk as briskly as I could. Once I arrived at the bathroom I quickly surveyed the situation. Two stalls, one adult urinal, one child urinal. One stall is occupied so I cannot occupy the other stall (rule violation). The adult urinal is occupied, so I have the child's urinal option still left. I would be standing next to another guy, but this is permitted (though awkward) since it is obviously the last option. I observe that the guy was already engaged in the activity when I arrived so I chose to wait. I also noticed that he had a 5 or so year old son with him, so this made not choosing the kids urinal all that more appropriate. Then I observe that the boy is watching dad pee. Now this requires effort on his part because dad is only an inch away from the urinal in the two handed position. Son is leaning around, only inches away from the urinal himself placing his face only inches aways from dads delivery unit. This is just a little creepy, son is close enough to get back splash. I have observed this long enough, to avoid further rule violations I check me forehead for zits, wash my hands and then assume a waiting position in the hall entry.

Just as a note of clarification, the two handed position is when the urinator has both hands on the delivery unit. The one hand position has one hand on deliverer, one hand on hip or when needed for balance one hand on wall. The no hand position has two hands on hips, or two hands on wall as needed. We will not discuss, at this time, the one knee position or the two knee position.

Anyway, while I was standing at the entry waiting, and waiting, and waiting I observed wonder dad headed my way. He has three boys, all seem to be under 5, the smallest was around 2 or 3 years old. This little one was riding on dads shoulders, the others each had a hand. Dad, my new hero, walks in, ducking as not to plow his kids forehead into the doorway, and keeps both of the other two maintained by holding their hands. Other man and pee faced son are now finishing and headed to the sink. I turn to head over just as wonder dad walks in front of me. He does what all men do when entering the bathroom zone, he stopped and surveyed to situation. Situational awareness is of utmost importance. He correctly observed the choice I had made and then motioned for me to go ahead to the adult urinal I had been waiting on. He however has made a different choice, or should I say the beer in his bladder made a choice for him. He walked up to the kids urinal, with all three of his kids still attached. Now I don't loiter in bathrooms so I finish my delivery and am off to the sink in two shakes. While at the sink I notice in the mirror that he still has the little one riding on his shoulders and this kid has his hands wrapped around dads eyes playing with him. Dad has the other two boys at his side and is still holding their hands keeping them from touching anything and keeping them back away from his beer drain. I was impressed by his modified hands free technique. He was keeping all three kids clean and out of trouble while doing what he needed to do. This is the mastery of a wonder dad.

I tip my hat to the inventiveness of dads. He pulled this off while essentially blindfolded as well.