Yearly review and prophicy...............

In a second annual version, I shall review the happenings of the previous year and then prognosticate some events for the coming year. I will then, in the next post, review my prognostications from last year and see just how well I did.



This past year was busy and full of events, some pleasant, some not so much so. Lets start with my favorite subject....... Gracie............

1. Gracie goes to kindergarten. This will be a movie title someday I am sure of it. When she started she was notably behind the other kids, but now with the help of a wonderful teacher, diligent parenting, ESL classes (English as a Second Language) and speech therapy she is even with and passing some of her peer. She reads on par for her age, writes, draws, cuts, etc all in line with her expectations. This is truly remarkable. The only place she is lacking at the moment is in that hand-eye coordination department, but that may never come.
   
2. Gracie gets a 2 wheeler. Bye bye tricycle, hello hell on wheels. She has a pink and white and blue bike, and a pink helmet. Somehow when she falls over its my fault. If you find yourself driving through Willow Pond during the warm seasons and see a fat, out of breath bald guy running in circles behind a little Chinese chickeepoo, that would be me. Beep and wave to say hi, but don't stop, I cant talk right now.
   
3. Gracie decides Halloween is not a good night and doesn't want anything to do with it (yeah we win), Gracie decides Santa is real even though she has been told, repetitively, that he is not (boo, we lose) Gracie's version of Santa is as follows. " Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus birthday and we give Him ourselves as presents, then He gives us presents in return, and Santa delivers them. " (oh, so close)
   
4. Gracie is a cheerleader. She is the smallest (too small for the smallest uniform even), the cutest, and the least coordinated cheerleader you ever saw.
   
5. Gracie has a sleep over. Momma is in a coma by morning.
   

There were some other events during the year as well. Hurricane takes half of our shingles off, in Ohio. Some election nonsense that just proves how gullible some people can be. My church goes up for auction. Detroit Lions go O'fer the season. O.J finally goes to jail. Total utter economic collapse with a government response of nationalizing whole industries and some companies. The Beijing Olympics and all the hoopla and controversy that it brought. yadda yadda and some other stuff.

Well, that's enough review. Lets look ahead to what 09 might bring.

1. U.S government buys GM and then sells it to Toyota making Toyota the biggest company in the world. Toyota refuses to honor UAW contracts, fires all union employees, replaces them with workers and then sells GM back to U.S government for a profit. Government then returns union-less unburdened and profitable company to private hands and GM stock is selling for $110 a share. Obama looks like a genius but it was really Newt working behind the scenes pulling it all off.





2. After all the banks get done gobbling each other and we end up funding the only one left, we will have only one bank, it will be called the Federal Reserve Bank of America.
   
   
3. We will NOT have an energy policy, we will NOT have affordable health care, we will NOT have lower taxes on the working class, we will NOT have improved trade, we will NOT have less immigration problems, and we will NOT get out of Iraq and Afghanistan any time soon. We will lose our HOPE and we will NOT have change. (cheerful aren't I?)
   
4. Sarah Palin announces that she is really Bill Clintons love child. To which Bill replied, " I did not have sexual relations with that teenager" (not buying it this time either)
   
5. Brett Farve retires, again, and resurfaces, again, but this time as a Dallas Cowboy.



6. Due to sponsorship cuts and pressure from a green administration Nascar cuts its season in half and only races hybrid vehicles like the Toyota Prius. Max speed is now 85 MPH. Ooogity Boogity, lets go rac-in.





7. Oprah leaves Steadman. She says it was the result of finding her one true love and her three month affair with Obama. Barack vehemently denied that there was any personal relationship between the two. Problem was, he was telling the truth. When questioned, Oprah said she left her man because of her affair with Michelle Obama. When Michelle was asked to comment she said that yes it was true, and she would have done anything to help her husband win the election. She also said that Oprah was an incredibly talented women and that they might have a future together. (eww)




8. The republican party announces its candidates for the 2012 election season and vows to run the longest campaign ever. The ticket will be Gingrich/Palin and they have promised to nominate Ted Nugett as the Secretary of the Interior. They are going back to their conservative roots.




9. David Letterman finally realizes he isn't funny and hasn't been for years.




10. Sylvester Stallone makes another Rambo movie. This time he goes into Iraq to rescue his former compatriot's from a geriatric center in Baghdad.
    

Normal Chaos

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Ack, Eeeeeeeww, nasty............

Burger King’s new Flame body spray offers an eau de meat for men

Here's the Burger King mascot as you've never seen him. The company's Web site describes the product as a "scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

The way to a man's heart may be through his stomach, but the way to a woman's heart — according to Burger King — may be through a new meat-scented body spray.

Now I know this is a publicity stunt and American business is notorious for coming up with the ridiculous in order to sell. Advertisers are not even in new territory when trying to combine ridiculousness and sex to sell their wares, but there is a line someplace and this just crossed it. It does more than that even, is it just me or this nauseatingly creepy. They could scar an entire generation with this thing. I mean really, a hint of meat?

Will my mate be more attracted to me if I smell like a cooked up dead cow? I doubt it. I think I might have an issue with confused flies and maggots maybe, smells like dead cow looks like the Frisch's Big Boy only bald, poor flies wont know what to think.

Will single guys attract that oh so special somebody by emitting the aroma of fast food?

What next, an entire line of meat product perfume?

The whopper with onion maybe?

How about eau de swine sweat?

Or par fume de giblet (pronounce gibe- lay of course)

And the concept of the meat scent is bad enough, but they couldn't stop there could they? They had to go one step farther. Check out the actual commercial that is online about this product. (firemeetsdesire.com )

After the intro, click on the top of the spay bottle. Go ahead, I'll wait here for you to come back. Oh, take a brown bag to the site with you, you'll need it.

Okay, now that your back, if you clicked on the sprayer enough times you find the scene that the above screen shot is clipped from. Mr. King, nearly naked, patting the edge of the bed inviting us to join him. Crrrreeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!!!!!

Maybe I don't get advertising, but making stomach's churn does not seem to be the best way to push your food product. Maybe there is a whole demographic out there that finds burger scented men sexy, what do I know?

I think I am having a salad for supper is what I think.

One last parting shot. If food scents like meat fragrance are sexy, then when my farts smell like cabbage and boiled eggs am I bordering on irresistible?

No?

Waking up dead............

As I was sleep driving on my way into work this morning I took a brief walk back through my life and wondered if I stayed asleep would I look back on my life and have regrets. I woke up, just before my exit, with a sorted melancholy feeling and an answer that was both yes, and no, sorta.


Well, I guess this post is kind of a delayed, I just turned 40, midlife melodramatic crisis of sorts. I turned 40 back in September, (regret number 1 is that I forgot to renew my drivers license before then) and I was a little too pre-occupied with external stimuli to really feel any feelings that were my own. With the constant drama that is a 5 year old princess, and the family health issues that dominate my every waking moment I had just put me on hold for the moment. I didn't realize that I had stopped breathing for a couple of months until those handy little vibrating road edge markers woke me up this morning. Its not unusual for me to clock out for a few on the way into work, but this morning was a little too dramatic because the last thing I remember was the fast lane, the next thing was the edge markers on the right side of the road. Suddenly I was wide awake, I love the smell of adrenaline in the morning, or was that the smell of urine about to soak my green and red Grinch boxers? Either way, it spooked me a bit. I hope soaking them in Tide gets the skid mark out because the Grinch boxers are my favorite, Gracie bought them for me for Christmas last year and they are one of only a few that the elastic is not wearing out on yet.

Moving on, I took some time today to look backwards at my life and wonder if I have any regrets about what is past.

I think I regret growing up the most. If that sounds strange its because it is. I don't really recall a childhood, I grew up too fast. I don't really remember ever being just a care free kid, just go play and enjoy the moment kind of kid. I worried too much, planned too much, and concerned myself with things beyond my control too much. If I had it to do all again, I wouldn't take life so serious too soon. Planning career moves in elementary school is just not necessary.

I think I regret being a social mutant as well. This fact is an off shoot of the the above regret. I have never felt like I had an abundance of friends that were all my own. Usually I feel like I have a friend or three that are mine and the rest are friends of friends that I get to spend some time with. Growing up I had one friend (Dawg) maybe two and the other couple of guys I hung around with were their friends, just hanging around with me. As for female friends, being the moustache-e-ode feathered haired pot bellied Casanova that I was , they were few and far between.

I regret growing old too. I know, what are my options right? My body feels older than it really is, much older. To my way of thinking, as convoluted as it is, having arthritis, stomach issues, aching bones and baldness are things that shouldn't have happened before I turned 40. Some of these things are created by my own ignorance as I abused my body in my earlier years.

I regret I feel like I spent my youth as different characters from the Wizard of Oz. I spent a great deal of time as the Scarecrow (sing it with me, 'If I only had a brain') This was the point that I was wondering around questioning the purpose of life, why I was here, what should I do, who would notice if I wasn't here (a la , Its a Wonderful Life) I spent years as the Lion as well. I was scared of everything, scared of failure and frighted of success because with it came responsibility and that scared me even more. I cowered away from anything I wasn't comfortable with, and that was most things. Some people call this shyness, its more than that. I always had Tin Man issues growing up. I didn't want to get too close to people because I didn't know how to feel emotions properly. I couldn't bring myself to attach, commit, bond and love. There were also a lot of uncomfortable times when I felt like Toto. I needed carried around, I wanted to be carried around in the safety of a little basket with a lid on it so I could hide when witches and flying monkeys were around. My close friends did this for me and sheltered me from the monkeys when need be.

Finally, or in conclusion, or something like that. Finally I discovered the yellow brick road. At the end of the yellow brick road is not a Wizard, no. There is not a strange little man behind the curtain either. Behind the curtain, seated on His throne was God. ( and the curtain was torn and fell away)

God's first statement to me was something along the lines," Glad your here, took you long enough"
His next phrase was something like, " don't worry about anything, I'll handle it from here"

Then He gave the Lion courage by bringing me to problems and bringing me through them.
-- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Then He gave the Tin Man a heart by teaching me about Love.
--For God so loved the world...................

Then He gave the Scarecrow a brain by teaching me how to listen and learn and that there is a purpose for me being here.
-- I know the plans I have for you, to prosper you and not to harm you.
The He gave comfort to Toto by telling me that I would always be safe and that He would carry me whenever it was needed. He told me not to be afraid of the flying monkeys of life.
-- I will raise a standard against the enemies.

Then, and most importantly, he gave me Grace.

I regret it took so long to find the yellow brick road, but you know what, I would do it all again, flying monkeys included, if it brings me back to this same place, this place in His Grace.
I have no plans to run out and buy a sports car or anything else silly like that, I will just work through this midlife crisis thing and move on. I may have to play Toto and get carried for a minute or two, but I know He will carry me through this just like he has carried me though everything else up till now.


Let us dance before Him.

I wonder if Heaven is anything like Oz. I mean think about it, yellow brick road (streets of gold) Emerald City, ( walls built of jewels), and the witch was destroyed by water (the Water of Life) Makes you think doesnt it.

Monster B Gone

It has been and interesting week at the Wilson's. Gracie got to cheer at her first basketball game this Saturday. I use the terms 'cheer' and 'game' rather loosely in this application. The game was started at 6:30 PM, which was a little late for the little ones. Gracie had a few issues, comical issues but issues none the less. First one was that the girls, all 5 of them, were not overly accustomed to the surrounding of a basketball game, so when the coach had them sit in a row beyond the end line (only about 3 feet of space before the wall) and wait for the previous game to be over, the girls did just that. They sat, and as little girls are want to do, they talked and giggled. Notice that I didn't say they were watching the game because they were not. Due to their lack of awareness, naturally, three of the five got balls bounced off of them. Nobody got hurt, therefore, it was just another cool thing for them to giggle and talk about.

Gracie was not one of the three to take a header compliments of the sixth grade basketball team. However, this event made her leery of the players and more focused on the game. Too focused on the game as it would turn out. When the coach lined them up she put Gracie, who is 4 to 6 inches shorter than the rest, at the end of the line, right next to the basket. Gracie didn't pay any attention to the coach at this point and just intently watched the ball. When players got near her she would back away from her spot and flinch if they drew to close with the ball in their hands. The coach soon decided that maybe lining them up from shortest to tallest would be a better idea and brought Gracie down to first in line, right next to her. Gracie did much better in this spot.

Now we come home and go to bed. Gracie is tired and so am I. After having been in bed for about an hour I see her perched sheepishly at the top of the stairs. She has "B" (her blanket) wrapped around her face just above her nose and she is carrying Bitty (her stuffed Bischon puppy) and is looking down at me. I call her down the stairs and she slowly comes down and crawls up into my lap and lays her head on my shoulder and snuggles in. Hmmm, something is amiss here. It might be time for (dumt dumt dumt dah) Super Plumber Ninja Dad to save the day. I ask the fine citizen what can I do for her. Short answer, bad dreams, again. Long answer, which is what we got, went something like this.

"Well, uhm, daddy, uhm, sometimes, uhm, you know, uhm, ( right about now I think she could be a speech writer for Obama) I haven't watched the, uhm, Disney princess show, you know, uh, the one with the scary witch, uh, and uhm, the things popping out, uh, in a very long really long time uhm, I haven't, but at school, the have a princess book with, uhm, witches and stuff, and uh, sometimes, I know I shouldn't, but, I know your going to tell me, um, they arent real, it just a cartoon, uh, but, I still, I, uhm, when I dream about them, I, uhm, I scared. So, I just wanted, uh, I know Jesus keeps me safe uhm, and you will keep......................"

At this point I interrupted her. Super Plumber Ninja Dad has an idea. First I asked what in the dream scared her. The answer was ," witches and wolf-is"

Okay, time to spring into action with my cat like reflexes, or in this case, turn her over to .......................... Super Facebook Samurai Mom.

While I cuddle the little citizen and keep her safe and cozy, mom goes into the other room and comes back with a spray bottle, not just any spray bottle mind you. This is a very special spray bottle. As momma explains, this bottle is filled with Monster Repellent, or Monster Be Gone. All a citizen needs to do is spray it around her room and she can run off all the withes, wolf-is, or other creatures that keep kids away at night. It smells nice and it runs off monsters. (its actually a bottle of Febreze fabric freshener.) My trusty side kick is ready to put her plan into action. The two of them bound up the steps and Gracie takes control of her dreams by hosing down her room in freshness. Gracie is happy and goes to sleep. Super Facebook Samurai Mom is happy she has conquered, and the house is again quiet.

Ever since that night, Gracie's room and bedding is oh so fresh...........

Guy shopping

My friend Amy(HT to Amy) had a nice post about how difficult it is not to be sucked into overspending, particularly during this time of year. We, the consumers, are berated with every known means of coercion to spend spend spend and buy buy buy. We even convince ourselves that we are just doing our part to stimulate the economy and help out the retailers. The problem, however, is that in overspending we create too much debt. Now the banks have traditionally enjoyed our pain in this this area because the more debt we have the more money they make, but now we don't seem to be able to pay it all back and the banks are no longer happy with our out of control spending habits. We can swear off overspending all together, but my guess is that for most people that will be as effective as a New Years Resolution. I have come to save the day. I have some simple rules that will curb the tide and end this evil cycle of impulse buying.

Welcome to Guy Shopping 101.

All of the worlds economic problems can be laid square at the feet, or dare I say heels, of women. That is correct ladies, you are the reason for the national debt, you are the reason for the bank failures, you are the reason the big three are going under, you my lovely female friends are the root of all economic evil. How are responsible for all these things? You simply don't know how to shop, you have perverted shopping into an 'experience', you have turned shopping into a 'competitive sport', you have corrupted the word 'shopping' and gave it a meaning as if it were an event. That is not what shopping is ladies. We can cure all the economic ills of the world if you will just put on your big girl panties and learn to shop correctly. You must learn the fine art of Guy Shopping.

Here are the rules.

1. Number one, shop with a purpose and only with a purpose. When you shop you should behave as though you are on a mission. Seek out the fulfillment of your mission and when it is accomplished you are done, head to the checkout, pay and leave. Mission accomplished. Example: You are cold, go into the store and buy a coat, exit the store and you are not cold anymore. Mission accomplished. You do NOT go look at purses that match your new coat, the purse doesn't apply to the problem, it will not make you not cold. You do not need to go look at shoes that match either, same reason. You do not need to look at the sale rack because 'heck I'm already here I might as well'!


2. Number two, eliminate any and all opportunities to be tempted into a purchase. In order to do this you must be savvy and controlled. Only shop at store you know your way around in and take the most direct route to your destination. The stores know this is difficult, that is why they put all those tempting sale items on end caps that you walk by on the way to your destination. Do not stop and look at them. You need to have disciplined tunnel vision and see nothing until you reach your item.


3. Number three, Never ever ever do the 'stand and stare'. The stand and stare is what happens when you reach your intended destination and you stand in front of your choices trying to decide which one to purchase. If you do the 'stand and stare' for more than 10 seconds you need assistance from a buddy to drag you to safety because you have just become a victim. You mind will begin to race and you will be overwhelmed with anxiety as you try to choose. You will end up thinking about accessory options and buyers remorse, and what if I make the wrong choice or what if I see it cheaper tomorrow or someplace else. Ugh, lady your buying a pair of socks not a Lincoln Continental, if there are two socks, they fit and your feet are cold, buy the dang gum socks and move out of the aisle.


4. Number four, a truly successful guy shopping experience is one of those rare occurrences when you complete your mission with only one stop in continual motion. When we can walk into a store, grab a cart that some stand and stare person walked away from so we don't have to stop there (its okay, they stand there so long they forget they even had a cart) and proceed to 2 or three places inside the store and pick up our items off the shelf as we walk buy and toss it into the cart whilst it is still moving. We then carefully plot our way back to the check out while avoiding the 'stand and stares' the ' lets discuss it with aunt Betty's ' and the 'middle of the aisle is a good place to phone home' people. Once arriving at the check out we will dutifully pick the lane with the cutest young girl, er, maybe the shortest line, yeah, that's it, the shortest line. When we walk up, man card in hand, we will stop for the first time since arriving, Mission success.


5. Number five, women nag at men and give us a hard time because we don't like to ask for directions. Well ladies, here is the thing. We can read a map and use a compass and if you will just quiet yourselves for a moment we will find our way. You, however, will refuse to admit your shortcomings during a shopping expedition. If a guy walks into a store and needs help, we will seek help immediately. We will not wonder aimlessly hoping to find something useful or something on sale, we will seek professional assistance post haste. I don't care if I am buying a gun or a bra, a power tool or a Christmas dress for Miss Gracie. If I need help, I get it, guys just shop that way. Example: I walked into Best Buy on black Friday this year at 8:30 AM. I needed to buy a new remote control, ours died and we couldn't change the channel without it. (no ladies, it doesn't have a manual button or I would have been happy) I walked into the store and approached a counter that had employees behind it. I bellied up to the bar, picked out a friendly face and stared at him until he was uncomfortable enough with my presents to ask if he could help me. I pulled the broken unit out of my pants pocket and said, "its broken" He took me 12 paces to an aisle that had twelve options. I said" which ones do what this does" He pointed out three options, I picked the cheapest and I am done. I picked up a previously planned gift card on the way out, without stopping in the aisle (yeah me) and left with no other delays or purchases. Second example. I walked into Lane Bryant to purchase a requested sweater for my lovely wife. I successfully attracted the attention of not one, not two, but three employees as I approached. I managed to work with two out of the three and called home on my blue tooth, relayed information back and forth and purchased the perfect little treasure in under 10 minutes. Bottom line ladies, use the employees, that's what they are there for, they would rather chat and joke with you than count boxes and straighten bags.


6. Number six is a space issue. When shopping, always be aware of your surroundings. Never stop in doorways, never stop in middle of high traffic zones or at the end of escalators. When your done paying, move forward at least a few feet to check your receipt and enter your check. I understand you don't want to get to the car and find an error, but give the next guy two feet anyway.

All right ladies, repeat after me.

If I don't look at it, I cant buy it. Say it with me now.

If I don't look at it I cant buy it.

Good job.

Just because its on sale doesn't mean I need it. I know its tough, but just say it with me.

Just because I can get a discount if I buy two doesn't mean I saved money unless I really need two, and I never really need two unless it comes in a pair, like socks.

That's it for this edition of saving the world through proper shopping. Give it try ladies, you will be surprised how much more time you have for laundry when you don't spend it shopping. And buy the way, shopping isn't exercise, ironing is exercise.

Speaking of laundry, the buzzer just went off and I need to get Angie's sweater out before it wrinkles, gotta go.

Church Crisis update

I went to a meeting last night about re-financing the note that has been called on the church. The meeting was run mostly by a man in banking whose was surprised to learn that the Sheriff's auction is only a few weeks away on Jan. 5Th. I say this man is in banking because my impression of him is that he is not a banker. This is what he does, not who he is. My impression is that he is a mighty warrior who has chosen to join us in this battle. He has been a guarantor in his own church when they were expanding and in tough times. He knows what is taking place and is willing to do what he can to help us win this battle, but time is growing short.

I formally drew my sword last night. My wife (jokingly) accused me of being a Pharisee and praying too loudly, but I prefer to look at it as being Peter. If I step out of the boat and don't sink to the bottom of the pond, maybe others will follow me.

As the battle rages on our side has taken some casualties. Some members have retreated from the battle after receiving too many wounds. I for one pray for their healing and hope they rejoin the flock once the battle is won.

Although the battle is not going well at the moment, and the darkness seems to be encroaching more and more, I received word yesterday that re-enforcements may be on the way. An older couple that we know are looking for someplace to attend church and have asked to join us one Sunday. I sense God at work in this. This couple are both fine children of God and their presence will be much welcomed at Crosspointe.

Praise Him in all things.
Amen.

"short on cash?"

I just stumbled on this very interestingly odd article.

Short on cash, some put a price on themselves
Lean times spur interest in payment for sperm, eggs, plasma — even hair

Link here ( http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28040824 )

" Seeking quick cash in a tanking financial market, would-be sellers of a variety of body products — sperm, eggs, blood plasma, even human hair — are filling waiting rooms and swamping agencies with inquiries."

"Increasingly, industry officials say people are hoping to trade spare body fluids, tissues and other parts for payments that can range from $20 to $50 a pop for blood plasma to $60 to $100 for a shot of sperm, $200 for a shiny ponytail and up to $7,000 for a fertile egg."

Oh where to start with this one? I guess the first oddity I would point out is the authors choice of adverbs in the above snippet. $50 a POP for plasma, choosing the word POP to associate with blood, fine choice I suppose, but then we have the next line. $100 a SHOT of sperm, choosing to apply the adverb SHOT in relation to sperm. I also notice that the sentence structure choice of this journalistic professional is also curious. Pop FOR plasma, vs. shot OF sperm. Curiouser and curiouser it would seem. An interestingly odd article indeed.

The article caught my attention with the title tag line of "short on cash?". Well of course, who isn't these days. I read the article hoping to find a little insightful wisdom that might lead to some course of action that I could engage in and make a couple of bucks. Please join me as I peruse through some of the options listed by this fine journalist.

1. I could sell some blood plasma. This is at the bottom end of the price range but it is worth considering. Just think, I could potentially save another human life by giving them just a little of my extra blood. I can make more after all. It only takes a few minutes to make the donation, there are plenty of places to go and make the donation, they let you lay down while your giving your donation, and they give you cookies and orange juice along with a cool little sticker when your done. Sounds simple enough, so will I be headed off to Hoxworth this weekend? Nope, I don't think so. Two reasons, first, the people in this area not only dont pay well for your blood, they pay in cookies. One pint translates into two Oreo's and 3 ounces of Sunny Delight. Now, before you go thinking I am all selfish and Scroogish, let me tell you reason number two. I have made a few donations to Hoxworth in the past, I even let them keep their cookies. The last time I went in, however, was the last time I will go in. The kind vampire nurse lady removed one nice pint from my left arm and deposited almost as much inside my left arm. She got just a little to happy with the needle and punctured something inside. My arm looked like the marshmallow treats in a bowl of lucky charms, with a heavy dose of the purple ones. I had yellow spots, green spots blue spots, purple spots, pink spots (frosted Lucky Charms, their magically delicious). My whole arm from my green knuckles to my pink arm pit was discolored and ached quite a bit. Not gonna risk that again



2. Next, lets talk about eggs. Well, being a guy, I don't have one of these precious little creations. I have been accused of laying an egg, but never of having one. I did notice that the 7 large offered was for a fertile egg, not a fertilized egg. Either way, however, I would have to question ones ethics if they simply sold off one of these little jewels to the highest bidder. I have no issue with donations to known folks for understood causes, but selling eggs is a bit to close to trafficking in children if done without some moral compass.



3. Now, lets talk about hair. I am bald so selling a twelve inch pony tail for a couple of saw bucks is also not in my future. If there is anyone out there who is in desperate need of a back hair transplant however, please feel free to call on me. I would make this donation on the cheap even. I also have nose hair and ear hair for sale if there is a market for it. I assure you I have plenty to spare. If you can wait a while, I will even regrow you a fresh crop. Maybe I should list this on Ebay, should be good for a buck or two don't ya think.



4. Well, I have saved the best of the journalists list for last. Now the extremely shy and demure can turn their heads and cough because its time to talk about sperm donations. I am a little too familiar with this procedure from back in the days when the wife and I were under the care of a fertility doctor. Nothing quite says romance like depositing your fellas in a glass container. Well, having spent a little time in the "donation room" let me tell you what they're are like on the inside. The first thing is that they are only semi-private. They tend to not have carpet, poor aim ya know. They are semi-private because the people in the waiting room and the nurse who directs you back know exactly what your doing, and the nurse waiting on the other side of the wall knows what your doing as they eagerly await you to place your fellas in the wall. Yes, I said in the wall, you see there is a little door mounted in the wall. You can open it from your side, set your beaker on the shelf and the lab tech can open the door on their side and remove your deposit. This keeps you from having to cart your fellas back through the waiting room and handing them over in person. There is actually a couch and a chair in the room, both made of fake leather. Easily sanitizable pleather should be a more accurate description. (This makes sure there is no left over butt sweat from the last guy) If I haven't taken this too far already, let me go farther. While I could potentially make about $600 bucks a month as a sperm donor, I will not be doing this either. A few reasons for this choice. First, the idea of a bunch of mini me's running around and me not even knowing them is a little too out there for me, not to mention not a good idea for the safety and comfort of the rest of the world. Second reason is, well, when people know what your doing, they like to wave hello, because nobody wants to shake your hand. Go figure. Lastly, I wouldn't pass the screening anyway. My fellas are not exactly the swim upstream rapidly type of guys. They are more the strap on a floaty and waft down the lazy river kind of guys. The few that are fast movers are what I would call Nascar fellas. The go really really fast, but they only turn left and swim in small circles. (technically speaking this is called poor motility).

Well, having exhausted this fine journalists list of possible body parts to auction off, I have a few suggestions of my own. I cant make a dime with the above suggestions, but with my suggestions I could easily retire in just a few years whilst working from home.

1. Did you know that crushed up toe nails and finger nails are actually an aphrodisiac? I could save the nail trimmings from my whole family for a year and pulverize them into a fine powder. Once pulverized I could encapsulate the mineral like substance and sell it to Bill Clinton for $10 a pill. (That would explain both Hillary and Monica if you asked me)



2. Next, I wonder if there is a market for extra elbow skin. This might be a painful procedure but if the cash is right I would be willing. The guy in need of the elbow skin would surely be willing to pay top dollar for it. ( If you don't get that, don't worry about it)



3. Whaling is an international crime. Whales are sought after for their blubber. I have about 20lbs I would be willing to sell to any whaling outfit that would be willing to pay the doctor who collects it. 20lbs may not seem like much in comparison to a whale, but its a lot safer and you don't get labels a pirate and hunted down by international Navy's for buying my belly blubber.



4. Last but not least, in today's super green eco-friendly environment of recycling at all costs, I have stumbled upon a potential biologically produced gold mine. My body produces a substance that when refined can be used anyplace that glue can be used. It is a biological adhesive. It can be processed to make tape sticky, it can be refined to be used from a bottle like Elmer's glue, it can be condensed into a super glue type of epoxy, it can even be used on the back of stamps. The best part is that my body produces a seemingly endless supply of this wonder substance. What is it you ask? Why its boogers of course. I produce something like a half pound of booger material a week. Ever get into your car and wonder what it is that makes your floor mates so sticky? You might have thought it was the scum off the road, or something that you stepped in. Nope, its all those boogers you drop in the floor. Don't shake your head like that, you know you do it too. People feel like they are alone when they are in their cars, so this is where most Americans take the time to clean out their nostrils. I don't know why we pick this place to pick our noses, but we do. We know other people can see us elbow deep in nasal mining, but they cant usually talk to us at 60 MPH so its like they aren't there. And what do we do with our crusty little prize. We exercise our wrist flicking skills and deposit this wonder matter on the floor of our cars. If every American were to go clean out there floorboards and recycle this emerald colored wonder, how much better off we would be.

Speaking of off,

I must be off (at least a little off I would say)

http://www.grandinncovina.com/Real%20Men%20of%20Genius/Mr%20In%20The%20Car%20Nose%20Picker.htm

Deep weekend

Our family has enjoyed this 4 day weekend. Thanksgiving was spent with some wonderful neighbors who invited us into their home. Our Christmas tree is up, decorated, lighted and the oh to many etc... that go with the yearly adventure of the accoutrement's of Christmas.

As most of my regular readers and friends know, I detest the Christmas decoration part of the holiday. It always seems so beside the point and such a physical and mental pain to do. The humorous side is that its always fodder for a good story and usually a mild tiff between Angie and I. This years tiff was milder than usual, I had to add lights to the pre lite tree because some of the lights were out. After waisting an hour looking for the cause (since Satan invented these little lights on a string I blame him for their random failures as well) I finally just added another string and that was finally, finally, good enough. The tree has been trimmed, and the garland has been hung, the wreath is on the door, and the stockings have been hung, I am tired of it already but at least it is done.

Saturday morning was the time of most note concerning our dear little Gracie. I got up early and took Gracie to breakfast and then to visit Grandma at the nursing home. Gracie watched cartoons and Grandma slept so this was not too great an adventure. On the way home however, Gracie whose mind and mouth have been in hyper drive all weekend hit me upside the head with another Gracie-ism that I did not see coming. Sometimes I have no choice but to be humbled by the understandings of a child.

Gracie : " Daddy, who gave me my names?"

Daddy: (not sure where this came from or where it is going, but I already know from the tone of her sweet little voice that she dug deep for this one) " Well, Gracie, God named you" ( a true statement if you know the story though a little too deep for a 5 year old)

Gracie:" How did He name me, did He tell you what to call me?"

Daddy: " Yes sweety, He told us what to call you, He made it very clear to us that you were a show of His Grace and that is what we should call you" ( still too deep for her I am thinking, but I can only tell her the truth and someday she will understand)

Gracie:" You could hear Him?"

Daddy:" Loud and clear Gracie, loud and clear"

Gracie:" Did you know God made us from playdoh?"

Daddy:" Playdoh?" ( she then breaks out into those sweet little uncontrolled giggles that mean she is teasing me and being silly)

Gracie:" No daddy, not playdoh, He made us from clay?"

Daddy:" Yes, yes he did make us from clay sweety" (now I am wondering if somebody had tried to teach her about the "Potter" and the "Clay" or if she pulled this from a song or where this came from)

Gracie:" And do you know what color the clay was daddy?"

Daddy:" No honey, what color was the clay?" (loaded and leading question, I am just along for the ride at this point because I want to know where this is going)

Gracie:" Different colors of clay, He made you and mommy from pink clay and He made me from brown clay. Mommy says she wishes her skin was dark like mine and my eyes are the MOST beautiful" (pronounced Be-ute-eeeeeeee- full)

Daddy:" That's right Gracie your skin and eyes are very beautiful"

Gracie:" Well daddy, you can I tell you something, (note she does this when she is unsure of what she is saying, but she never waits for an answer she just talks anyway) I think mommy's big brown eyes and pink skin are just beautiful too. I think your pink skin is handsome and I like your eyes too. We should just be happy the way God made us, he made us all beautiful, you don't need to look like me"

Daddy:" That's very sweet Gracie, thank you."

Gracie:" Your welcome, I love you daddy, can I have a treat when we get home?"

Daddy:" yes sweety, you can have a treat after your nap"

Gracie:" Daddy, can you please go faster, I have to go potty, I need to poop"

Daddy:" I'll hurry, just hang on a few more minutes there love, we will be home soon"


I have no idea where she gets these things sometimes, but it is humbling just to listen to her when she takes off on them. Her mind is just scary sometimes. I worked with her for an hour trying to teach her to write, read, and recognize the word "the" a few weeks ago and she just could not or would not grasp it, but yet she will bring up events and conversations from a year or two ago with perfect clarity and recognition. Sometimes these conversations start because of something that she is thinking about that happened a long time ago and you cannot put them in present context. It can be frustrating for her and for us, but if you just listen, she usually has something she wants to talk about.

End of the story is this, I am often reminded how unworthy of Grace or of grace that I am.

Peace.

10 things

Ten things I learned or was reminded of recently:

1. A 37 pound 5 year old has the ability to exceed 50 tons of pressure on her little baby toe when said toe is applied directly to the left family jewel.
2. An obsessive compulsive child will not only pick the "thingy" off her toe after being told not to pick her nails, she will pick at the loose "thingy" until the entire nail has been peeled off the nail bed. No this is not one of my usual exaggerations, Gracie picked her toenail all the way back to the quick and then asked for help because she ran out of nail but the loose "thingy" was still attached. Angie dutifully took care of this like a skilled combat surgeon a la MASH 4077, I was curled up in a corner squealing like a girl. I have no doubt however that this is the exact same toe that she then used to try and puncture my egg bag.
3. One has better driving habits when one has their eyes open.
4. When one is twenty it is nice to be able to touch your toes. When one is forty it is nice to just be able to see your toes. I have finally made it back below 220 pounds. I think the 9 extra trips up and down the stairs each night for laundry has been enough to tip me past the dead spot.
5. The best medicine for any ailment is the sound of the utterly uncontrollable laughter and giggling of a small child. Unless the giggles are caused by them bouncing up and down on your belly right after dinner while yelling "are you going to blow?"
6. Little girls can be taught to catch a football and run like Barry Sanders, they cannot be taught to watch football quietly or how to toss a spiral until they are much much older.
7. Jim Tressel owns Michigan, period.
8. Joe Pa defines what class is.
9. The crock pot is my friend, tonight's entree was seasoned pork roast cooked in pork gravy, cheddar mashed potato's and green beans cooked with vidalia onions, itty bitty tiny tatters and a host of seasonings, yumm-o.
10. Laundry and dishes are never ending self defeating propositions. The laundry is never done because you are most likely wearing clothes that at the end of the day will start the cycle all over. The same holds true with dishes, unless you stop eating you will always have dishes either dirty or in the dish washer. ( I don't think eating naked off paper plates is ever going to be an option, but it is one I would have to consider if I lived alone.)

As an aside, I got an email today from St. Louis and the Chinese New Year celebration is on. I am so very looking forward to it. We will get to meet Max for the first time and see several of the Hunan 'Sisters' for the first time in a couple of years. I just cant wait.

And then the phone rang.

So today started off as your normal crappy, running late for work and the dog peed in the floor kinda day. Nothing too out of the ordinary, I got my usual 10 minute nap in on the way to work and was kindly awakened by the horn on the tractor trailer I was trying to share a lane with. I could have gotten mad at him for being selfish and not wanting to share, or for waking me up when I just wasn't ready to wake up yet, or I could just be grateful he woke me up because I was about to sleep/drive past my exit. Thanks mister trucker.

I have been unusually tired this week because my stomach has about returned to its previous state of constant flux, reflux that is, foamy spit that burns my throat and unfortunately (or misfortunately) burns my nose holes. My stomach is, once again, a total mess. I don't know why, nothing too stressful in my life right now that I can think of. My wife is recovering from abdomidable surgery, my daughter has a sinus infection, the economy is collapsing, a depression is on its way, a hurricane in Ohio blew a good portion of my roof to Kansas and Toto didn't even send me thank you note. Gracie is pushing the limits because she knows she is being monitored by dad more than mom, my mom is in a rehab center yet again with a walnut sized hole in her foot, I think I am coming down with either irritable bowel or Crones disease because I blow brown water out my bung hole 15 minutes after each meal. And to top things off, I got a ticket for an expired drivers license on my way to my church which, by the way, is in the middle of foreclosure proceeding. Nope, nothing stressful going on here for the last few months.

Speaking of that ticket, I got a phone call today from the Maineville Clerk of Courts. She called to thank me for my prompt delivery of my check with my ticket enclosed. However, and you knew there would be a however, however, the amount of the check was incorrect. I thought $71.19 was a strange amount, but I just kinda figured that if I multiplied the number of civil employees times the cost of breakfast at Denny's I would get $71.19. Well the price of hash browns and toast must have gone up because the number circled on the ticket was 71.19, but that's the violation code, not the price of the infraction. The ticket was actually $120 so I still owe $48.81 for my crime. And while this nice lady, who sounds just like Mrs. Butterworth by the way, has me on the phone, she also requested that I bring a copy of my current unexpired drivers license with my second check. I took both the copy and the check to the Village Building of Maineville, which is about the size of the Starbucks in the mall, and deposited them in the drop box. No one was home because the village shuts down at 4 PM. (4 minutes till Whapner, yeah) I will be calling Mrs. Butterworth to ask a few questions tomorrow, if you dont hear from me again in the next few days it means they sent the S.W.A.T team after me and I have become a matter of National Security. Homeland Security will be the ones detaining me. My new address will probably be Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

All this background noise is taking its toll on my psyche. I feel tired, I feel ugly, I feel like the pooper scooper in a bull fight. I feel as ugly as H. Ross Perot in butt less leather chaps, lacy panties, a fish net bustier, red lipstick and a long blond Lady Godiva wig. (Folks, now that's just ugly) I feel tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog will play with him ugly. I am so tired I expect to wake up to see a man in a face mask with two paddles in his hands who keeps yelling "CLEAR" (thoomp)

But,

BUT,

Just about the time I am ready to waller (country word) in my own self pity something always happens. Something like running through the parking lot at Skyline after kids night because the alligators, crocodiles and penguins are chasing us, "run daddy run, OOOOOOOooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh they got you!!!!!!!!!"

The giggles that take place during this type of play have the power to chase away any thing that my be bothering a person. My ankles are still burning in pain, I will probably sing three choruses of Blue Hawaii tonight before Elvis leaves the building and my 401K will still allow me to retire at age 114, but tomorrow I will get up, trudge along, and do it all again.

Slow but sure, slow but sure. I have to go do some laundry now because yesterday the dog peed on Angie and I really need to get that sweatshirt washed, ( got her hair too)

Guilty

Well I am now considered a law breaker. I have done a terrible terrible terrible thing and violated the laws of these here United States. Specifically, I have broken a law in the great State of Ohio. You can now look for my picture to be posted in the post office. My story may show up on Americas most Wanted, you just never know. My name may become as common as Bonnie and Clyde, or maybe even Jesse James. My crime spree may become a mini-series on the Life Channel or even the History Channel. I must apologize to my family and my friends for letting them down, but truth be known, I am just a common criminal at this point.

Here is the story.

I was driving on Sunday morning, just as I should be, on my way to church. My family, lovely wife and beautiful daughter in tow as we go on our way. On the way to church I notice flashing lights behind me so I slow down. and scoot to the right, as I should, expecting him to pass. He does not pass, he scoots over with me. He is pulling me over. The speed limit on this state route goes from 55 to 45 to 35 when you hit town and then back to 45 and then 55 as you leave. In town there is one stop sign. Now I go back through my mind, yes I made the correct adjustments as I came through, yes I counted to 3 seconds while sitting at the stop sign. I am not weaving and I am even wearing my seat belt. My lovely wife, even though she recently had abdominal surgery is also wearing her seat belt. Gracie, of course, is strapped into her booster seat as is expected. I have no idea why he is pulling me over.

The nice officer, all of about 22 years old it would appear, comes up along side and stays behind my door and informs me that I had a birthday in September. Yes I did, did he pull me over to wish me a belated happy birthday? Well, of course he did, and to let me know that my drivers license expired on my birthday, just shy of two months ago. He asked for my drivers licence and proof of insurance and asked why I hadn't gotten it fixed yet. I explained that Angie had surgery and I just wasn't something I had made time to do yet, but I will get it taken care of. He asked when the surgery was, I said about 4 weeks ago. He pointed out that my license expired two months ago and told me to stay in the car and he would be back. I stayed in the car and took opportunity to wave at the rest of our congregation as they passed on this main road to the church. One of our friends even commented that he really hoped I hadn't been drinking! No, I drink on beverage about every 3-6 months, not on Sunday mornings.

The officer sits in his car for about 13 minutes and then returns to inform me that he is 'issuing me a citation'. I said, " are you serious?" He said, "yes, I took into account her surgery, but your license expired almost two months ago" He explained what my options were, I could go to mayors court and protest it if I choose, or I could follow the instructions listed on the ticket and mail it in. He then asked if I understood. I said," I will pay it, but no I don't get it!" He then said in the best aggressive tone his young skinny pimply face could muster, "Do you have a question for me?" I said "yes, I don't get it, I got a reminder notice from the State of Ohio that said something about 90 days and 180 days on it, I thought I had more time and was going to get around to it before the 90 days was up, I just haven't moved it up on the priority list yet because of the other things going on!" He said," In the State of Ohio, you have to renew before your birthday, that is all, any other questions?"

"No, No sir, well, yes, can I just pay you?"

He laughed, although I don't think my implication was totally lost on him because he made sure to inform me of his authority one last time. "Well, then, if you have no further questions you are free to go"

(Free at last free at last, thank God almighty.....................)

Thanks Barney for telling me I am free ( Do they let you keep one bullet in your left front pocket?). This guy is a Maineville police officer. The actual town of Maineville is pretty stinking small and they have something like 3 or 6 police officers.(Cooter works in the garage to make sure all the cars stay running) I know going to Mayors court is going to be a waist of energy so I put my $71.19 in the mail on Sunday afternoon. I also took off work for a little while on Monday morning and went to the BMV and spent another $25 to get me picture took-en.

I had to sign the back of the ticket stating that I was guilty as charged and my penalty was remitted.

I am guilty, guilty as charged. My license had expired. I am a bad bad man. But I am a free man, for now.

If the check bounces I will become a hobo and hop freight car after freight car until I can sneak across the Rio Grande and make my way to the Mexican shore of the Caribbean. You will be able to find me there on a resort beach selling friendship beads and sleeping in a hut. My new name will be Juan Valdez. I will be wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a burro on it.

All kidding aside, I just forgot to get it done and I did think I had 90 days to do so. I had no idea that I could get pulled over just for that reason and that reason alone. This guy must have been really bored to just sit and run every plate that came through the only intersection in town that morning, but the law is the law and I have paid my fine and corrected the situation. (even thought I am giving the guy grief I do respect the officers of the law)

Memory.

Leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn’t matter if you knew me a little or a lot, or even only online, anything you remember! Don’t send a message, leave a comment on here. Next, re-post this on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It’s actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses

HT to Todd, I picked this one off his blog.

I am a little scared of what some might say, but that just part of the fun.

Vote GOD 2012

...............This just in on the AP news ticker........................





New candidate announces He is going to enter the campaign for President in the 2012 election. Seeming to come out of no where, yet this new candidate seems to have an awful lot going for Him. He has over 2000 years of experience in dealing with both domestic and foreign affairs. He has a unique economic plan that has been completely spelled out. He has a simple new plan for the tax code. He may run into some difficulties with His extremely hard line stance on some of Americas hot button issues however. Last night on 60 Minutes he did an interview with Mike Wallace to announce His candidacy.





............Transcript from 60 Minutes interview.............................





Mike:" So, uhm, Mr. God, you seem to have just suddenly appeared on the political scene, wha....."


God:" Mike, its just God, not Mr. God please, "


Mike:" Okay, God, first let me ask then, do you have a last name?"


God:" I am"


Mike:" Fine then, Mr. I Am, as I started to ask before, You are new here and not many people have ever heard of You before, so what makes You think You are qualified to be president of the most powerful country on earth. I mean no disrespect, but it seems a little strange don't You think."


God:" Not really Mike, I created it after all so I would think I could manage to help you straighten out this mess you have made of things:


Mike:"You created what? The presidency or America. According to my history books Washington created the presidency and a host of our forefathers created America, what could you possibly have had to do with it."


God," Not exactly Mike, I created the earth is what I meant"


Mike:" Oh, so you say. It seems to me that all the science books and scientists say the 'Big Bang' created it"


God," Nope, that was Me too"


Mike:" Well, lets move on, Your platform states that you have a simplified tax plan that would be fair and equitable to all, what exactly is that plan, can you give us any details?"


God," Sure Mike, 10%, the first 10%, from every single individual. Simple"


Mike." Simple yes, but is it fair? What about the poor, what about tax deductions to encourage home ownership, what about the rich, shouldn't they pay more to help out the poor?"


God:" Mike, 10% period. its the job of the rich to help take care of the poor, true, but not through their taxes, they should help the poor in their own cities and neighborhoods"


Mike:" Okay, next topic, it has been said that You already have Your entire staff picked, including Your VP candidate, is this true?"


God:" Yes, of course"


Mike:" May I ask who they are?"


God:" My VP would be my only begotten Son, His name is Jesus. The other cabinet posts would be filled by my Angels, the ambassadorships would be filled by the Disciples"



Mike:" I am afraid I don't know them either. You seem to have a strong following, if not huge in number, they seem to be very rabid supporters"

God:" I prefer to think of them as devout, not rabid."

Mike:" It says here that you have a health care plan, a plan that would provide health care for everyone, how will that work?"

God:" My Son is in charge of that, He has gifted many people to help Him, they are the Apostles. Anyone who is ill or injured, infirm or blind, need only seek Him or one of the Apostles with a healing gift and they will be healed of whatever ails them, free of charge."

Mike:" Oh, your Son is a doctor, you didn't mention that before"

God:" He is a Great Physician"

Mike:" It also says You have a plan for peace, could You tell us about that?"

God:" For years now there have been wars and rumors of wars, hate, and rampant destruction. I will unleash one last great battle and at the end of the battle there will be no more war, no more destruction, no more hunger, no more hate, every tear will be wiped away."

Mike:" You plan on a war, that's interesting, will you build up the US military a little more first, strengthen the Air Force maybe, or........."

God:" No, I have no use for the military. I have my own army, an army of Children"

Mike: (losing his temper and screaming)" Children? Children? You want to send children into battle? Isn't it bad enough to send our young men, but to send children? Why would you even give a child a gun?

God:" I wouldn't give a child a gun, I give my Children a sword, a shield, and a helmet, but not a gun"

Mike:" I just don't understand you, wanting to send children to war. Do you not think their parents might object to this."

God:" I would only send My children so no there will be no objections. My Son will lead them and I will carry a standard behind them. I assure you, they will win this battle without a single loss."

Mike:" Well, that is utter nonsense in my opinion Mr. I Am. Mr. I Am, we have been taking emails from our viewers since the beginning of this interview, would you be willing to answer whatever random questions they might put to you. A town hall type of situation. Are you willing to answer to the voters at this time?"

God:" Of course Mike, what is the first question?"

Mike:" Okay, from Lily in Wisconsin, Lily asks what kind of car to you own? To us here in Wisconsin protecting our environment is important so I want to know if you drive a responsible car."

God:" Good question Lily, I do not own a car, I have no use for one"
Mike:" How do you get from place to place then?"

God:" A pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. The fire helps light the way, makes night time travel a bit easier"

Mike:" Does your 'pillar' burn fossil fuel?"

God:" Of course not"

Mike:" From Micheal in Alabama, Micheal asks what is your favorite breakfast cereal. I think you can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to put into their bodies."

God:" Micheal, I am just coo coo for Coco Puffs. I love a chocolate and milk morning. I will tell you a little secret, I even add sugar to them."

Mike:" From Shameless Sandy in Michigan. Sandy asks the age old presidential question, boxers or briefs?"

God:" Commando, (leans in to whisper) but don't tell the Mormons, that would mess with their heads. And by the way Sandy, ditch that boyfriend of yours, he is trouble, mark My words"

Mike:" From John in Kentucky, John wants to know what religion are you?"

God:" I don't care much for religion, that is something that man invented"

Mike:" Last question is from David in Israel. David asks if you think you have a chance of winning a popular vote election?"

God:" David, a man after my own heart, yes David, I could win, but right now I am behind in the polls."

Mike:" One last question from me Mr. I AM. How would you describe your foreign policy?"

God:" My foreign policy and My domestic policy are identical. Love thy neighbor."


................End transcript..................................

God has received numerous requestions for interviews since His announcement. He is currently scheduled to appear on Oprah later this week and on the O'Reily factor next week. He has turned down a request from the NFL to appear at the Superbowl, He says he prefers not to work on Sunday, but He would be happy to sit next to Kornheiser on Monday night Football.

...........End Ticker................

Church Crisis cont...

Normally I use this space for milder things, sometimes humorous things, sometimes family things. This time I am going to use this space to put a call out to go to war. Its time for the members of my church (Crosspointe Community Church) to put on their armor and pick up the sword. Brothers and Sisters, its on.



If the story that follows seems irreverent, I apologize in advance, but I am ticked and it will likely show.



I am a member of an LCMS church. That is Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. I was warned about the Lutheran branches before joining Crosspointe, but I just couldn't find any of what I was being warned about. The reason I couldn't find it was because its not there. Crosspointe is not your typical Lutheran church and its not at all typical of your LCMS. Our pastor follows the teachings of the discipline, but the church does not feel like or function like your typical LCMS body.



If you would please, please, please read the information linked in the below post so that you understand what is taking place before indulging me further in what will likely become an incoherent tirade.



This past Sunday our pastor asked us to come to a sister church, King of Kings LCMS, for a reformation rally because the President of the Ohio District was going to be the speaker. This person has some influence over the dilemma that our church finds itself in, being president and all. This so called president has not returned a myriad of phone calls and has refused meetings with representatives of Crosspointe on more than one occasion. This president has never even been to our area before now so his presence was a timely occurrence and rare opportunity. Our pastor decided that this was too valuable and too 'coincidental' to not take full advantage of. Let me provide the briefest of explanations on the history of Lutheran.

Martin Luther presented something called the 95 Thesis on this date. These Thesis pointed out inconsistencies and corruptions that were taking over the church and silencing the gospels. He stood up in protest of these corruptions and called out the leadership (the Popes) and eventually caused the dismemberment of the church (Roman) as it was known at the time.

I give this excessively brief and generic explanation only to point out that this reformation rally provided a unique opportunity to 'protest' against the current corrupt state of the LCMS in relation to its financial arm called ODLCEF. (Ohio District Lutheran Church Extension Fund) So, as requested by my pastor I attended the Rally.

Problem one, I don't always listen real well. I was not requested to attend the rally, but simply the protest held by our congregation outside the rally. Oops. No problem it just meant that I had to sit through one more church service on Sunday, no biggy, right?

Wrong--O.

(this is were my obvious irreverence starts, sorry)

So I enter the sanctuary 20 seconds ahead of the start of the service, nice timing. I observe my surroundings carefully, as I always do when in an unfamiliar, or potentially hostile environment. I am in a church sanctuary,how hostile can it be. Well, that was clue number one to myself that something is just not right here if I have been here less than 60 and have already gone on full paranoia alert, identified my exits and sized up the men in my general area to read the threat level. (no I am not kidding, yes my paranoia meter went nuts)

As I continue to scan my surroundings an usher dutifully observed that I did not have a program, ( a program? what do I need a program for?) and presented me with one. With the exception of the message, every word uttered for the next hour was carefully written down for my reading pleasure. ( this is not worship, its lemming training)

I observed that this service, this church, is everything I dislike about religion, rolled up into one nicely robed and tasseled package. (backwards collars included) This is everything I was warned about being Lutheran. It was everything I was warned about LCMS as well.

The dirges ( Lutheran German Hymns) began about now. My eyes are still darting back and forth uncomfortably. This is church but it feels like I am an extra in an "OMEN III" movie or some other bad horror flick of the the 70's or 80's.

"Oman Domino's................. Pepperoni............. with Cheese"

Or something like that.

It might be time to exit before my skin begins to rash up.

Well at some point, 3 dirges in, and a long, long, long responsive prayer. (the responsive prayer is where the pastor reads a sentence, or paragraph in this case, and the congregation reads the next paragraph, back and forth about 6 times until at the end the pastor and the congregation read together.) The president takes the pulpit and begins by trying to be personable. He doesn't do a bad job, but his timing is a little too rehearsed if you know what I mean. Once this guy gets going I find myself wanting to hear him but struggling to focus on what he is saying. I decide that I should take a moment and offer up a prayer of my own, I am in a church ( I think) after all. So I pray a very specific, though extremely selfish prayer. I bow my head and pray Lord, please open my ears and let me hear and open my eyes and let me see what is really going on here. Lord help me to discern Your will and obey as your servant. Lord show me what is true so that I may not be deceived and let me see that which is good and that which is evil. Amen.

Well I raised my head hoping I would see bright lights and peaceful wisps fluttering above the congregation. I hoped to maybe see an Angelic sword toting giant guarding the entrance to the sanctuary. I thought I might even see a dark twisting stormy patch or two hovering in a corner or looking in a window. (I know I know) But alas I saw nothing new when I opened my eyes. Oh, well, cant blame a brother for asking. This is not a gift for me to have and that's okay, but I can ask cant I?

The message goes on.

The president goes into great detail about how the church needs to get the gospel out there, and the gospel should not be silenced, and we need to bring people into the church through the message of the gospels. He is actually doing rather well in covering the basic 'what makes a church body' stuff from his perspective. He even mentioned that the church suffers from a lack of new, "young" people. ( and Methuselah in the front row said Amen, as did his parents and his parents parents because they were all there. Average age in attendance was someplace between 70 and dead, closer to dead) All in all it was the message you would expect on a reformation event.

There was one more thing I observed however and its important that I share it will you. During the entire service, the stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, put your left foot in, take your left foot out, put your left foot in and shake it all about service. The hymnal dirges, the bell choir, ( insert eye roll here) the message, the offering, the lemming training er, uhm, responsive reading, the gospel reading, the old testament reading, new testament reading, and dinner recipe reading. During the entire hour-ish I was there, I had two young boys about ages 4 and 5 sitting in front of me with their dad ( I assume) This two boys were too young to understand or do much so dad had the good foresight to bring something quiet for them to do to keep them occupied and quiet during the entire service. Kudos to dad for thinking of it, and kudos again for actually pulling it off, they made nary a peep the entire hour.

What did dad bring? He brought some really cool (sarcasm implied) pop up books for them. With each turn of the page some paper thing would rise up out of the center of the book. If they opened the book slowly, it rose slowly, fast and it would almost jump out of the book. The boys paged back and forth in this book at different speeds and paces for an entire hour. The book only has something like 10 pages so it is obvious they are fascinated by it. Neither one is really old enough to read much, but the books needed little in the way of words as each new adventure crawled or lept off the turn of the page. What is the title of the book you might ask?
" Who will you find on Scary Street?" Page one, a witch and her cauldron with a frog leaping from it, page two, a werewolf with a mail sack, page three, a spider with items in each hand, page four a Aztec looking gateway with ghouls, skulls, bones, and reaper like imagery bouncing up from the page, page five, Frankenstein, page six a bottle labeled 'spirit potion', page seven, the same bottle only now its open with wispy ghostly strands running from it with ghoulish faces at their ends. My thought at the time was that this was not exactly appropriate material to be thumbing through during a church service, but we move on.

Once the message was over and the crowd began to head for the line to glad hand the president I made a quick left out the side rear exit, skirted the masses and made it out the door unscathed and unspoken to and I belief unobserved. I made it out to the parking lot and took my place with my congregation. I was informed that during my absence from them, while in the service, the trustees of this church had threatened to have them arrested if they (we) entered the church. (nice huh) What were they (we) doing that was so offensive. Well, we were handing out information on a little yellow card that said save our church, don't silence the gospel. Hmm, terribly threatening and offensive, particularly to another church. We had on t shirts that depicted Luther hanging the thesis on the church door along with a little heart that said 'living thesis number ( 1,2,3 whatever)

We hung around and tried to pass out our pamphlets and be as discreet and unobtrusive as possible, per our pastors instructions. We were told speak love and truth only, do not be offensive or belligerent, and we were not. After some time our pastor managed to bring the president out to speak with one member of our congregation and hear her story in hope of reaching his heart, gaining his favor and obtaining his influence. He came out and listened to her story and then answered that there was nothing that he could do, it wasn't his issue and we needed to take care of things ourselves. He then added that, and I quote ;" I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you"

DING DING DING DING DING ..................

I finally got it ( I think)

I prayed Lord let me see, let me hear, I should have let Him know I am a bit slow too.

The picture book tied into the magic wand and told me a story, a story only I would piece together this way. He answered my prayer. ( If any of my brothers or sisters would like to help me discern this differently, please please do so, Charlie.... that means you)

I now know what the trouble is, and better yet I know we will fix it.

When I look at the congregation at Crosspointe I see folks who know how to put their boots on.

I see folks who know to put on the chin strap with that helmet.

I see folks who are not afraid to put on a breast plate or pick up a shield.

And most importantly I see people who have held the sword with great skill in the past and are willing to wield it again.

I know now the battle is one and I must join in with my sword as well.

So let me leave you my brothers and sisters with this...........

Damn demon I fear you not, know my name, I will not let you destroy this place and you will not and cannot defeat me because I stand with my brothers and sisters and the Lord stands with us. In the name of Jesus leave us be to worship our Father,

Dear Lord guide us and lead us and let me serve Your will. Amen.



Brothers and Sisters please pray with me, with us, and Praise be to Him whose Grace is all and everything.

Church Crisis

Please go here and read what is going on. We are struggling not to lose our church. I refuse to lose so please pick up your sword and join me.

http://www.cccforyou.com/crisis.htm

Please be sure to read the Time Line as well, you will be stunned.

I will add my own part to this story in the near future.

Thank you and please pray with me dear warriors.

Obama won

5 years ago Obama won the presidency of these here United States of America. This is what has happened since then.

We have universal health care but no doctors or nurses or functional hospitals to care for our health.

We have a low tax rate on poor individuals but a 75% tax rate on the wealthy and on businesses, consequently we have no wealthy citizens and the businesses have all moved overseas.

Mexico is threatening to build a wall and place armed patrols along its northern border to stem the ever increasing tide of immigration from the US. Mexico says we need to get a handle on our people and keep them here because they have enough people that they need Americans to come down there even though they are looking to fill the lowest paying jobs that the Mexicans don't want to do themselves.

After several failed assassination attempts Obama received a sever head wound. A half inch hole was blown in his head and he lost his left eye. This would have killed anyone, but the unflappable Obama just flinched and said that it wasn't his time, not just yet.

The polar ice cap has melted completely and the only real estate worth anything in this country is the newly formed beach front property in Vegas. All government functions were moved from D.C, which is now under water, to the Vegas strip. Obama says its just because its more comfortable there.

Obama's first act as president was to recall all troops from abroad and cut the military active duty roster by 2/3rds. An immediate power vacuum set off a huge conflict in the middle east the end result of which was the formation of one large Muslim nation state. Obama sent Nancy Pelosi to be the ambassador to the newly formed region. As odd as it seems, she exerted such power and authority in this area the populace began to call her the new Queen, Queen of Babylon. (There are rumors that she maintains her power and influence through sexual means)

The financial crisis that led up to Obama's election worsened until all the banks across the globe eventually failed and the entire global economy collapsed. Obama came up with a rescue plan that was centered around the creation of one world banking system with one single accepted global monetary unit. This unit replaced all the dollars, yen, yuan, peso, and Euro's as well as every other monetary denomination. It is called the NeWO. The NeWO is simple though odd in the way it works. In Dollars, you have a system based on 100, one hundred cents equals one dollar for example. I the NeWo system you don't have change, you dont have 5's 10's or 20's. You have only three denominations. 6 NeWO, 60 NeWO, or 600 NeWO.

When Israel fell in the last war the Prime Minister and his Wife were taken to the square where they suffered before the new people of Babylon for some time before they died. There are reports that they were left in the streets after they died for some time and when their bodies turned up missing some time later reports are that there was quite a ruckus.

By the time the war in the middle east was over, all the worlds oil in the area had been burned or fouled by the war. The resulting lack of oil and financial collapse of the global economy set off a world wide famine. Our dependence on petrol chemical fertilizer and loss of tillable real estate meant we could no longer even feed ourselves let alone the world. The populations of Africa and Asia decreased by some 45 % as a result of the wars, earthquakes, volcano's and famine. Things got so bad her in the US that Obama decided that our food should only be used to feed members in good standing of the global economic community, so he passed a law that said in order to by food you had to us NeWO's and show the ID number that would need to be tattooed on your forearm.

A once large and powerful group of individuals that were known as Christians have now all but disappeared. There are still rumors however that small pockets of them still exist and are in hiding in the woods and countrysides. They are sought after because it is believed that they are food hoarders and no explanations can be found as to why they always seem to have been well fed and cared for when they are located. A group of them were reportedly seen headed into a cave with no food, no belongings, no water or anything and when asked why they were not packing to survive in this cave they simply responded by saying that they would be provided anything they would need. No one knows who is providing for them but Obama says its not him. Reports are that this group walked into the cave and have not been seen since. One has to wonder.

Mr. Mom #3

Well week one is over and I am back to work.

This week we are depending on the help of those good friends around us. One neighbor is picking up Gracie every morning and taking her to the bus stop for us. I stay home long enough to get her fed and dressed and get momma up and then its up to others from there.

Other neighbors are taking turns bringing Angie lunch and picking up Gracie from the bus. Gracie has a play date everyday this week after school.

Neighbors are even fixing and bringing by dinner.

I just want to take a second and thank the many people who have put forth such effort and shown such love in this crisis.

Thank you to Amie, Amy, Andrea, Penny, Rachael, Jill, Linda, Pam, Glenda and any others I may have forgotten. I want to make a special thank you to Mrs. Nicole who took charge of organizing the schedule and providing a special safe place for Miss Gracie with the love of her home. I also want to make a special thank you to Pastor Tim for his spiritual guidance.

Thank you as well to all who have lifted us up in prayer this last little while, your prayers have been felt and Angie is doing well.

Now I will endeavor a short trip from the sublime into the ridiculous.

I know its a bit early for Christmas songs but I know you know the tune so sing with me brothers and sisters.

The twelve days of Mr. Mom.

Twelve loads of laundry
Eleven hours of HGTV (each and every ^$&%T$#^ day)
Ten loads of dishes
Nine games of Candyland
Eight hours of homework
Seven fish caught by Gracie (one so big is scared her)
Six bandage changes
Five more weeks of recovery
Four pain pills
Three missing socks
Two scrambled eggs
And a Blessed neighborhood of Friends.

Thanks again everybody................................