Answer number three

Now its Amy's turn on the stage of Normal Chaos. Amy asks:

Fashion tips for guys over 30 (like...stop dressing like a teenager and other such stuff)

First thing Amy, there is very little maturity difference between 16 and 36. Seriously, we still think farts are funny, we still notice the length of the skirt that just walked into a room, we still think big guns, big ships, fast cars, and big machinery are cool and want to play with them. There is an old Cliche' that says "the only difference between men and boys is the price they pay for their toys" There is some truth to that. The typical teenage boy has some sense of what is appropriate dress and what is not, but they are just rebellious (or lazy) enough not to care. Men in their thirties have the same knowledge level as they did as teens, but a bit more concern since we are judged more harshly on our choices now. So I will provide some advice to the men and some clues/explanations for the women at the same time.

1. Guys, if your 30 or 40 something and married, and your wife tries to pick out your clothes for you, let her. She is doing this for a multitude of different reasons. First, your not doing it right and she wants to help you out. Second, your a reflection on her and she doesn't want to be embarrassed by you. Relax and go with it, she knows what others are saying about you and you don't. You think you look fine, she knows better. Go with the wife on this one.


2. A word to the ladies, men can't see wrinkles. We do not have the visual acuity to focus on them, in our world wrinkles are something that only exist on the face and hands of the elderly grandparent types, not something that happens to clothes. We do not know they are there and if you tell us they are there we will look, not see, and therefore not believe you. Guys, I don't think its wrinkled either, but it is a universal law that women see them and we don't, so, again, if a woman says you cant wear that shirt cause its wrinkled, just put it back in the closet, hung properly, and let her pick out another shirt.


3. Men in their late 30's and early 40's. You used to wear shorts that were short when you were a teen. Teens wear long shorts now, and so should you. A little too much thigh is not sexxy no matter what you think. Swim trunks should almost reach your knees unless your French. If your French, speedo's are fine, just know that the rest of the world is laughing at you, but you should be used to that by now.


4. The tie, this is were men and women part company. Men, do not let women pick out your tie and by all means do not let them tie it. Rule number one, if a women ties your tie, other men will know and laugh at you. Rule number two, the tie does not need to match unless your going to a job interview, or a funeral. Otherwise, anything you find pleasing is perfectly suitable because this is the one and only item that is a boys only club. Women may make fun of your tie, but you know they can't wear one properly and would look silly in it.


5. Men over 30 something, two words, loose jeans. I don't care if your a stacked body builder, Olympic swimmer or a marathon runner with rock hard shaved and sexxy legs. Tight jeans are forbodden past your mid twenties, period.


6. Men and teens, if your underwear can be seen they must be boxers. Nobody, and I mean no body, wants to see the fruit of the loom tag on your tighty whities. Men over thirty, really, nobody wants to see your boxers either. Its not too bad if your wearing casual shorts, etc, but with jeans or dress pants, wear a belt.


7. Next we have hair for men. Repeat after me. Bald is good, bald is beautiful, bald is sexxy, bald is functional and easy, bald is clean. Men, don't worry about your hair, if its thin shave it off, if its grey and still thick, just clip it short, the shorter the better. Rule of thumb, observe 10 teen boys, look at their heads, go in the opposite direction.


8. Next rule is one I oh so want to violate. Bright and strong colors coupled with big suits only look good on men of color. I so want to own a sage green zoot suit and wear a bright purple shirt with a magenta and shocking safety yellow tie. My skin, although my Greek heritage does show up in the summer, is too pale for this. So, my Caucasian brothers, we must look upon this fashion with envy because we cannot pull it off. And know this my African American and Hispanic and Islander brothers, yes we are jealous.


9. White socks only go with gym shoes, not dress shoes, not sandals, not flip flops, just gym shoes, got it.


10. Cologne, if its expensive use it sparingly, if its cheap, use it more sparingly.