an evening with Gracie

Okay, I have just spent the evening with my daughter Gracie. It didn't start off so well because I got a phone call from the hospital and mom wanted me to bring Gracie by for a visit. So, after I got home from work and scarfed down some dinner we got ready to take off to the hospital. She was concerned about Grandma being bored so she decided to take some toys along. She packed up a doctors kit, plastic stethoscope, syringe, medicine etc, and a terribly ugly doll she picked out from Mexico. We load up the stuff and we must be off.

PSA here, remove all liquids and food from the general vicinity of your computer.

We are only driving for a few blocks before Gracie asks me to turn off the her songs because she would rather talk than sing or listen to the radio. This immediately tells me that this will be an interesting trip. The jabbering ensues about a little bit of everything, but in the constant mix comes this statement.

" Daddy, Sarah feeds her baby with her nipple"

Okay, I can handle this, its abstract and out of the blue, but Gracie saw this for the first time 2 weeks ago while visiting a brand new mom friend of ours and although its been 2 weeks it is still something new to her, but.

"Yes she does hunny"

"Daddy, I am going to feed my baby with my nipple"

"Uh, please don't do that"

(I am flipin out right now, I don't want to be the one to deal with this issue, I know breastfeeding is normal, nonsexual and acceptable, but I am the dad and I don't know how to deal with it, I don't want to make it seem wrong but I don't want to encourage or allow her to walk around doing it with her doll either, and I know what is coming now)

"But why daddy, Sara does it, I want to do it too"

(yep, there it was, the 'why' question, now what do I do. I think I will fall back on the old parental standby of diversion when unwilling or unable to deal with the situation, luckily we pass a person walking a dog right then)

"Look Gracie, its a puppy, isn't it a cute puppy, looks like they are having fun walking on this beautiful day"

(whew, diversion worked, we are now talking about puppies.)

I know it shouldn't bother me, but I am the dad. I refuse to acknowledge that my daughter might one day have breasts let alone nipples attached to them. I don't want to discuss nipples or breasts with my daughter in terms of anything other than the best way to keep them covered up when she is older. Then there is the added trauma of the fact that she wants to imitate it with this ugly doll. This doll is from Mexico and thus Mexican, dressed in traditional Mexican poncho with a big sombrero and bright red lips. She kinda looks like Dora might look during a porcupine enema, its terrible. This is more than any dad should need to deal with on a short drive, but we are just getting started with the random chatter.

After the puppy conversations wanes, 30 seconds or so later, she starts talking about missing people. She tells me she misses her other Grandma and Grandpa and asks if mommy misses her Grandma too. She chatters about this for a while, but a usual she is headed somewhere with it.

"Are they with Jesus?"

"Yes sweety, they are with Jesus"

"Are they sleeping?"

"Yes, they are sleeping"

"Is He gonna wake them up?"

(Okay, its real obvious now that she is headed someplace with this. I am guessing its from a combination of me, mom, and Sunday school)

"Yes sweety, one day he will wake them up"

"Is He going to use instruments, does He have any"

(thinking, thinking, thinking, Revelation)

"Yes sweety, there will be trumpets"

"Will it be loud enough to wake me up too?"

"Yes, it will wake you up to"

"Ooooooooooh, Goodie, I like loud noises, will it be really loud, does he have a piano or guitar too?"

"no, just trumpets"

"Good, when I die, will you and mommy die with me so we are all together?"

(time for diversion again)

"Look, a ground hog, over in the woods"

"where daddy, I don't see it"

(Forgive me father for I have sinned and lied to my daughter, again)

We proceed to the hospital to a chorus of are we there yet, are we there yet. We go up to the room and a grand time is had by all. Gracie plays doctor and nurse with Grandma and Grandpa for a while until Grandma is tired and its time to leave. We all do hugs kisses high fives and group hugs and we are off back home. We enter the elevator to find about 6 people already there and Gracie looks at all of them and announces:

"Its crowded in here, why are they all in here?"

They all laugh and smile at the really really cute little girl, but she is not done yet.

"Its not nice to laugh at people, everybody knows that, what number are they getting"

(translate that to what floor are they getting off)

When the doors open on the ground floor one of them tells her they are getting off on this floor too. Another ones tells her that they are getting off to follow her.

"Daddy, run, they are following us, we have to run"

So of course, daddy being up for a good time starts running with her while holding her hand until we turn the corner.

"Daddy, lets hide"

So we pull up behind a pillar and she hides behind me and the pillar. One of the folks peeks around the pillar and says "boo"

Gracie screams.

"Its not nice to scare people. Everybody knows its not nice to scare little girls. You shouldn't do that to somebody"

She then looks at me and says:

"now, lets follow them and scare them back"

Daddy isn't willing to go quite that far so we just go get in the car and begin the ride home. The ride home is not without its adventures as well.

"Daddy, why does Jesus only have one instrument?"

"He only needs one hun"

"Well, I have more than Him and I am a girl so I am cooler than Jesus"

"No sweety, Jesus is the coolest, nobody is cooler than Jesus"

"I am so, and that was very rude of you to say so. Everybody is cooler than you, Bitty is cooler than you (our dog) Jesus is cooler than you, Kara is cooler than you, Cassie is cooler than you, and me and mommy are cooler than yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu because were cool like that"

"Look Gracie, a ground hog"

"Ground hogs live in the woods right daddy, and they have holes and some have clothes and televisions and talk and and and are beavers the same as groundhogs, do they have cars?"

Forgive me father for I have sinned.