Answer number four.

And the roll continues, this time with another request from Charlie.


Charlie asks for:

When Elvis Leaves the Building (not a photo essay, please)


First let me explain what this phrase means in this context. Elvis Presley was a hugely popular singer in his day. He had crowds of extremely excited and overly agitated young women following him everywhere he went, pulling at his clothes, tossing their clothes at him, fainting etc. Leaving a venue while on tour got to be a pretty serious hassle so Elvis and his team came up with this plan. Elvis would do his concert and then walk off stage, a few minutes later an announcer would walk out on stage and say something to the effect of "Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Presley" and Elvis would run back on stage and do another song or two as an encore. Elvis would then leave the stage again and the announcer would come back on stage and the process would repeat with another encore. This would happen some random number of times until the announcer would come out and say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis................has left the building." This would allow Elvis to escape. This process has become, to me anyways, a metaphor of vomiting. Think about it, wave after wave of nausea hits you, each time your struggling to constrict every orifice and sphincter in a southbound motion as food or drink keeps making an 'encore' appearance in the back of your throat until finally it makes its way 'out of the building'. Usually upon leaving the building it makes a grand announcement. I think its a rather apt metaphor.



Now, why would somebody, namely me, put quite this much thought into something most people would rather not think about. Simple, everybody is good at something, I am very good at the art of vomit. Not a skill I would encourage anyone to try and perfect mind you, but if your going to do it with regularity, you might as well get good at it. I have perfected the art over something like 30 years. In my youth and teen years I suffered from a nervous stomach and stress issues related to insecurity, in my late teens and early twenties I had the stress issue and alcohol issues that caused my in depth education, and for the last 15 years or so I have had the stresses associated with marriage, beginning a family and buying and maintaining a home etc. The doctors call these things by different names than those I just told you, they say things like GERD, Ulcer, Reflux esophageal disease, etc. Mentally I have usually handled stress just fine, physically is where I pay a price. I don't let stress bother my brain, so it eats my body for breakfast instead.


So, back to the humorous side of things. My best friend (we shall call him Dawg here) also left a request that I write about those times I was "strugglin". I will now address his request as it overlaps nicely with Charlie's. Strugglin is that process that takes place as you fight off wave after wave of nausea. It is that time when you have chills and you keep swallowing and constricting muscles in hopes of keeping the food (or drink) down. It is an acquired art form to know just when its time to give up this struggle and proceed to someplace where you might let 'Elvis leave the building' Dawg seemed to always find it fascinating that after obviously strugglin for an hour or better I could calmly stand up and walk, not run, to someplace that was safe to permit exit of struggle. It is simple really, you just allow that last wave of nausea to do what it has been attempting all along, just stop strugglin is all that is required. I remember (surprisingly) one night I spent in Dawgs apartment in Columbus when I was strugglin for hours. We were both away at college and I had consumed several too many Hudy Delights that evening. I remember coughing, once, and knowing that 'the end is near'. I stood up and walked calmly over the dead bodies lying all over the floor of his apartment on my way to his bathroom. Apparently my moving didn't awaken anybody, but the noise of the adoring fans resurrected the dead as Elvis left the building. Everyone was awake when I was done.

Some of the tricks I can share:

1. When nausea strikes, avoid the reflex to cough, when you notice the reflex is strong, you are short on time, proceed to a receptacle.
2. Walk to a receptacle, don't run, running requires deep breaths which increase that cough reflex.
3. Never let your face go parallel with the ground or worse yet let your forehead tilt lower than your chin. Always keep you forehead slightly higher than your chin so that Elvis may leave without his fans running up into your nose and sinus cavity. Nothing nastier than warm acid in you sinuses.
4. Breath through your nose, lessens the gage and cough reflexes.
5. Plan ahead for a receptacle, Toilets are great but require you to get into a kneeling position that bunches up muscles that might later spasm depending on how big a hurry Elvis is in. Standing up is usually a more comfortable position. Leaning over a railing is my personal favorite to minimize discomfort, when a railing is not available I prefer the kitchen sink, garbage disposal side of course. (run cool water if you need to do this one, warm water increases the olfactory sensations, not a good idea if you want Elvis to go and stay gone)
6. If your doing something that has a high probability of you meeting Elvis, do not eat spicy food.
7. If you can vomit in a cup while driving a car and other cars don't notice and you don't get any on you clothes, your doing this too often and need to seek medical assistance.

Well, enough tips, lets move on to other names.

1. Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.
   
2. I leggo my eggo




3. Technicolor yawn




4. Fertilizing the bushes


5. Modifying the landscaping
   
6. Chunder (just sounds foul doesn't it?)
   
7. Barf
   
8. Hallelujah chorus
   
9. Feeding the fishes
   
10. Spunkmeyer.

I will end this silliness with a short story explanation of number ten. I warn you now that its cute but bordering on offensive. Spunkmeyer is a brand name. Otis Spunkmeyer is a food producer. I have only heard this term used once in this context but it is a favorite of mine. I was at a party in my mid twenties, and a lady friend who was around 20 was there with several of her girlfriends. This lady was drunk and goofy, but safe as she was surrounded by friends. She was dressed in a skirt that was a little to short to be a good idea and was sitting on the couch when she began strugglin' The hostess of said party suggested to her that she get up off the couch, but when she leaned forward to do so, she coughed. The cough had volume and mass, which she promptly deposited in her lap, mostly missing her skirt due to the extreme shortness of it. Still drunk as can be she leaned back on the couch and while looking down made the following statement. (you were warned)

"Ohhhh noooooo, I just Spunkmeyered my muffin"

Told ya that was gonna be bad. This young lady got tossed in the shower to sober up and clean up. (the hostess and her friends took care of this while the guys took care of Elvis)

Public service announcement: This story is in no way meant to glamorize vomiting or drinking. I do not get drunk these days (Thank you Jesus) and I would just as soon avoid concerts with Elvis if my body permits.