Answer number six

And we are now officially on a roll of silliness with the latest edition brought to you at the request of Cathy.



Cathy said:



*Can you please come to my job and explain the cologne rule to a coworker?



I would love to come visit you and explain things to your coworker, but Chicago is a long way from here so I will explain things to him here and you can just slip him this blog address and he will get the picture.



Attention all cologne wearing men, specifically you over there with the shmarmy head and drunk flies circling around you while they sing 'ring around the rosy' Yeah, Ima tawken ta you. Lighten up on the fragrance my brother, its not good, no really, its just not good. I know you think is smells good, I know it reminds you of your grandpa and he wore the same stuff when you were growing up. But you forget, gramps was a depression era pig farmer, anything smelled better than that and he had an excuse for using the stuff a pint at a time. You don't, you work in an air conditioned high rise and have your own cube. Your causing sinus pain to the rest of us. I know you most likely don't believe me, so let me give you a list of things that have been observed about you that may help convince you to back of the co - log - nee.

1. Chicago does have a smog problem at times, it can be a bit polluted on occasion, but smog and pollution are things that live outside. The reason your cubical is smoggy all the time is you. You bring your own air quality index down everyplace you go.


2. Chicago has clouds and cold winters. I know you may not have noticed this due to the hole you create in the ozone directly over your head everyplace you go. This hole allows unfiltered rays from the sun to warm your immediate area and is also the reason you have a perpetual sun burn going on under that thinning hair of yours.


3. The fact that your neighbor in the apartment complex where you live enters and exits the building in a really cool big yellow hazmat suit is not evidence that E.T. lives on your floor, nor is it because you had sauerkraut and burritos for lunch, although you may want to stop that as well.


4. Not every women in Chicago has terrible allergies. The reason your dates always have itchy watery eyes and frequent nose bleeds is because you put on the Olde English with a garden sprayer.


5. Every time a person turns up missing for a while, CSI shows up at your apartment and asks to look around. This isn't because they like you, its because the cadaver dogs brought them your way.

So my brother, if you have gotten a clear picture of things now and want to mend your ways, I will give you some standards to go by.

1. As previously mentioned, if the cologne is expensive, use it sparingly, if its cheap, use it more sparingly.


2. Most companies discourage if not flat out forbid inter office romance. Therefore, do not wear cologne to work, take a shower, use deodorant, wash your head, no cologne is needed. Save that for weekends and evenings.


3. Do not buy cologne without assistance. Take a female with you, let her apply a small amount to your inner arm and render some judgement. Hint: don't take your mom, that's just weird. A sister or a friend would be fine, or if there is something in the store that interests you give a stranger a shot, she will understand.


4. Choose from a selection of modern classics Drakkar Noir, Grey Flannel etc. If is says Faberge on the label, walk away. If it says Axe on the label walk away, I mean really, no amount of smell good is going to make a bunch of horny co-ed's chase you down. Stay away from the true classics as well, no Olde English, no Old Spice etc.


5. Avoid the fragrances that can substitute as mosquito repellent. Those would be things with the words Brut or Musk in them. These things are made by a subsidiary of Black Flag.


6. Aftershave is just cheap cologne with extra Bourbon added, skip it.


7. If your approved choice comes in a spray bottle, use one mist on each pectoral muscle before putting your shirt on. If it comes in the other style bottle turn bottle upside down with your finger over the hole and then rub finger on each side of your neck, hard to believe, but that's all you need.

Now Mr. Smarmy head, clean up and hose off, go shopping and try again. You might find you can make new friends now.